For years I have suffered from ARCD: Antique Ribbon Cabinet Deficiency… a little-known, (but fatal) plague.
I have bravely clung to life, despite this debilitating condition… surviving somehow, in the face of the knowledge that I might never acquire the useless glory of a massive case that serves no modern purpose.
But behold– a miracle has occurred.
I am cured!
A lesser person would have given up– succumbing to the agony of a life bereft of yet another pointless piece of unneeded furniture.
A richer person would have simply bought one on eBay.
But I chose to live in limbo… hoping that one day all of my dreams would come true and I could clutter up my house with EVEN MORE STUFF.
I showed Paul… braced to fail his salient-question-interrogation; prepared to explain how we need a cabinet that I want to put nothing in. (Although as the days have passed, it has come to seem increasingly likely that I am now shopping for a huge bin of antique ribbon from 1880… is my work never done?)
I expected Paul to resist… but instead, he just nodded and said— nice.
Then he went back to his email.
He did NOT say:
where will you put it?
what will you do with it?
why do you need that?
As you can imagine, Self and I were alarmed.
Self whispered to me:
WHAT is HE doing?
Is Paul broken?
Is he abdicating the office of logic and frugality?
Will someone else be forced to assume the mantle?
WILL THAT SOMEONE ELSE BE US?
Self and I looked at each other in dismay… we cannot be the voice of reason!
We are already the voice of excess and Freddie Mercury!
We need to be chauffeured to the destination while wearing gold sequin pants, rhinestone armbands, and an impressive mustache! We cannot drive the tour bus!
Self and I do not have time to serve as BOTH rock god of extravagance AND overlord of prudence!
Self and I are agitated by all of these endless expectations!
Besides, have we not learned that self-governance leads to misuse of funds, abuse of power, and eventual economic collapse?
Finally Self was compelled to say this to Paul, because SOMEONE must mount a protest against bankruptcy! But Paul dismissed the dire warning… he said— it’s fine. It’s not like you’re collecting NASCAR figurines.
Self was like– eh? What? Well… ok then!
ps– if I want to collect NASCAR figurines, TRY AND STOP ME!
Anyway… enough about my hardships!
The original spot I’d planned for this was on the second floor; I thought I’d use it as a base for the large spool cabinet I use for jewelry storage… because randomly stacking old, general-store display cases one on top of the other is basically a visual representation of my soul.
But now that it is here, I love it even more than I thought I would, and I hate to hide it away upstairs in a bedroom.
If you’ve never seen one of these before but NOW YOU NEED ONE… I’ll share some thoughts because I’ve been searching FOREVER and am legitimately an expert on things-I-must-have-but-(irritatingly)-cannot-afford.
It’s hard to find a nice (or otherwise!) one of these for a “good” price (whatever that concept means to you.) In the Philadelphia/NYC area, these sell for anywhere between $2,000 and $5,000; depending on size and condition.
Some are just one column– narrow with flip-out doors. Some are HUGE with all kinds of pull outs. Some are small, table-top versions.
As of writing this post, there are two on eBay… link to each listing under respective photo.
I went to check etsy for you, and suffered a GFT-seizure of itchy disatisfaction after clicking on this listing and having my entire life revealed to be a sham: I am a lowly-pond-mud-dwelling-troll with zero satisfactory furnishings… also, I am poor.
If you would like to buy it for me, I will trade you any of my internal organs. EVEN THE ONES NECESSARY TO SUSTAIN LIFE… I mean, I’m going to die lonely and bereft anyway if I don’t acquire a Ukrainian pharmacy!
Anyway. Ribbon cabinets.
If you can find one that has the original advertising print on it, it’s worth more. (This applies to all antiques everywhere.) And if the text is unmarred, it increases the value quite a bit… if you can find one full of original ribbon, you have hit the jackpot and should feel satisfied that you have won life.
There are clever repurposing ideas like wine storage, but that’s not my style… I mean, I like wine as much as the next
person who uses alcohol to self-medicate anxiety and stress lush, but as a GFT* purist, I prefer my antique ribbon cabinet to hold rarified air rather than cluttering up its glory with a grocery item.
*Giant Fancy Thing
OK! That’s it! I have to go now and figure out how to:
A- get to the Ukraine.
B- find a bank that has sufficiently-poor security to allow me to rob them without consequence.
C- pack a 20′ by 12′ wall of cabinetry by myself because there is no way I’ll be able to convince Paul to help.
D- re-evaluate all of my (shortsighted) life choices that culminated in me NOT marrying an elderly billionaire… and see if it is too late to rectify that situation.
New here? Start with THE KINGDOM MIRROR
This is the second half of putting drawers in the piano… the video of making the actual drawers is here.