A manifesto against the tyranny of luxury kitchens.
Before the internet, you only had to keep up with the Joneses– they were real people who lived nextdoor and probably drove a Corvette.
And even if you might have liked their car for yourself, you knew for a fact that they wore too much cologne, misused the word Machiavellian, and were just generally unlikable people who let their dog poop in everyone’s yard.
You used to have to subscribe to Town & Country or Architectural Digest if you wanted to feel bad about your house… But then the internet came along—eradicating every shred of reality and replacing it with Christopher Peacock.
Now you can discover for FREE, any time of day or night, that your kitchen, your bathroom, your entire house… actually, your whole life is so subpar that it’s amazing you haven’t flat out died.
The internet has given the entire home-luxury-design-industry access to the inside of our minds at all times. This is extra convenient for them because they can constantly remind us that anything less than a kitchen filled with glamour and elegance and a wine refrigerator is just sad… so, so, so sad.
And the sadder your life looks, the fancier the faucet you will buy – advertising 101.
(Incase you are wondering where on the sadness-scale my life falls, apparently it is here. I am pretty sure that faucet would make me a better person.)
But eventually I will have to replace that faucet… Because it will go out of style. Because all of this is a trend.
A TREND.
The most expensive trend ever—white, white, white, white, splash of soapstone for contrast, white, white, white.
But someday Christopher Peacock will be the equivalent of the ubiquitous oak cabinetry from the 80’s. Remember country kitchens?
DON’T YOU REMEMBER?
Soon there will be a whole new trend. (Once they figure out how to make something more expensive.)
I personally think it should be THE-KITCHEN-I-HAVE-IS-FINE trend. We should all STOP redoing our kitchens. It is MADNESS people. Do you have a stove? A refrigerator? A place to rinse stuff and chop it? Then you HAVE A KITCHEN.
This is my message for the day—acceptance. Accept the kitchen you have. A new one will not bring you health or happiness. (Except, maybe the one below.)
Let us band together and KEEP the kitchen we have. Let us embrace oak cabinetry from 1980.
Let us rise up against the tyranny of stainless steel.
There is nothing wrong with your taupe electric range.
And Formica!
Let us bring Formica back!
I mean, I personally am not planning to do that. I write a blog about restoring our house… therefore I am legally obligated to bring new meaning to whimsy and creativity and a mindbogglingly giant range hood.
Infact, I will probably be required to travel to a small town in Italy to mine the marble slabs myself.
When I get home, I will do a peppy post about DIY-mining your own marble. And I will include tips about where to find delicious artisanal (gluten free!) pastries made by villagers who have been growing specialty grains for over 900 years.
I will be sure to annotate the pictures for Pinterest with captions that are overlaid with squiggles and dots and three different fonts. (So that it will appeal to both four year olds, and women who are shopping for kitchen counters.)
May 31, 2014 @ 3:43 am
Victoria, I’ve been reading your blog for a while now and you always give me a fit of uncontrollable giggles, but this is the first time I’m leaving a comment. I completely agree about these all white kitchens. All white rooms make me want to run screaming from them. Do I drool over kitchens on Houzz? You bet, but I’m living in a rental property with, you guessed it, all white walls…IN EVERY ROOM. Thank God for the artwork and the plants or I might have damaged myself by now. Do I want one of those big honking kitchens? Yes, I do, as the one I have is quite small. I want company while I cook, windows in my kitchen, a walk-in pantry, a beautiful/functional backsplash, bookshelves for my cookbooks, an island with a prep sink, a dishwasher, a refrigerator and freezer large enough to store more than food for gnomes, room to store all my stuff, and the option of eating in the kitchen or the dining room, walls that are not WHITE…Sorry, Kitchen Envy got the better of me. **Sigh** I will continue to live vicariously through your remodeling adventures. What I cannot believe is that you VEB, the Envy of All, do not have that faucet yet.
May 31, 2014 @ 1:45 pm
You are such a funny writer, I simply love reading your posts. It’s never just one snicker or snort. My husband looks up and says oh, you’re reading that blog again!
May 31, 2014 @ 4:19 pm
I laughed so hard reading this. Just this morning, I was cleaning off my stove while glaring at my cherry wood finish (remember that trend) cabinets out of the corner of my eye. So you know right where I’m livin’ sista!
June 1, 2014 @ 10:48 am
Ha!! This is one of the funniest things I’ve read lately. For sanity’s sake, let’s all hope Christopher Peacock becomes the new mauve.
June 1, 2014 @ 2:02 pm
As we’re in the middle of a kitchen update, I’ve been looking at kitchens in houzz and other shelter sites. I remembered Ms. Barnes name when this post was referenced in a houzz kitchen post (another white kitchen) which brought me here. Thanks to Ms Barnes for doing an Emperor-has-no-clothes number on the megakitchen thing. I’ve taken to referring to our project as the nonwhite kitchen.
June 1, 2014 @ 5:46 pm
Victoria and all- Many wise comments were written here but the obvious has been overlooked- white kitchens emphasize your wrinkles. Take it from a retired real estate broker – white kitchens AGE you. Seriously, standing in a white kitchen with the sun streaming in makes one not look so fantastic. Who needs that in addition to all of the aforementioned issues?
June 2, 2014 @ 10:49 pm
As the Paul analogue (without the talent) at the beginning of our project, I heartily endorse this post
June 3, 2014 @ 10:31 am
I saw this: http://www.decorsteals.com/ and thought of you….then I thought “hahahahaha these people don’t know what *huge* is…please that is not a kingdom mirror!…but it’s gold…and it’s a mirror.”
June 3, 2014 @ 11:56 am
I am embracing my formica as being on trend and ahead of my time.
June 3, 2014 @ 11:23 pm
You are my hero. Thanks for restoring a touch of my self-worth… damn Pinterest kitchens are seriously the bane of my existence.
🙂
June 4, 2014 @ 3:06 pm
I think formica is great – it’s durable, comes in tons of colours/options and is so reasonably priced.
That said, I still want to redo my kitchen. But it’s not because it’s not white (though it isn’t). It’s because the layout was designed by someone more concerned with form than function. Makes me crazy because it looks relatively nice, but sucks donkey balls to actually cook/entertain in. I’m definitely over the ALL WHITE ALL THE TIME trend though. I like a little pizazz.
June 4, 2014 @ 5:49 pm
I sing to your glory. I mean, this is what I mean. Gluten-free marble and all. [That’s what you said, right? Or did I just read your mind?]
June 4, 2014 @ 7:04 pm
That faucet is very interesting. I didn’t even know they made them like that, and unusual is definitely captivating per se. But in case you’ve missed it, you do realize it’s an ordinary commercial faucet as reimagined by Dr. Seuss, right? Not that he wouldn’t have been a fabulous kitchen designer. I just want to make sure you see the Sneetches before you spend $2500 on a fixture.
June 5, 2014 @ 10:29 am
I got so stuck on one of the photos, I was lost for some time. I pondered the name Atho Mear Kansas — because KANSAS! It took longer than I’d care to admit.
June 5, 2014 @ 12:26 pm
Amen. Home decor is the new beauty/fashion routine where you feel like crap because you don’t have (fill in blank). Hysterical post about this madness!
June 6, 2014 @ 12:55 pm
These kitchens are beautiful, but quite frankly, I’d be embarrassed to have one. I prefer a more humble space — in size and style.
June 6, 2014 @ 4:01 pm
For real, I can IRON directly on my Formica countertops. I’m never upgrading!
June 7, 2014 @ 8:47 pm
That faucet in the link looks like it should be performing Da Vinci robotic prostate surgery…
June 9, 2014 @ 8:55 am
You had me until “Let us embrace oak cabinetry from 1980.” As we must face the tragedy of the current trend (painted cabinetry, especially white painted cabinetry, looks like a disaster in a few short years. As the wood shrinks and contracts, the painted joints crack and pop, leaving unsightly breaks in the paint, and flaking and bare wood showing), we must also face the failings of the 1980’s. Never, ever embrace oak cabinetry unless it is perhaps rift sawn. Those who embrace fashion over functionality will have many years to regret their decision. Those marble countertops however, will last several lifetimes.
June 9, 2014 @ 3:19 pm
Love this post… While playing in the beach in France today my son found your starter chunk of marble. Due to it’s weight, I declined his request to bring it home for you as it may out our suitcase over the weight limit. You will, thus, need to keep hand mining on your “To Do” list.