Random February Post.
Last week was stressful, kind of blurry, and made me wish I was a shire hobbit — no contact with the outside world, plenty of time to loom my own homespun linen, cheerful disposition, abundant moss for decorating projects.
I should have dealt with everything by being proactive and organized, but instead I spent all my free time making a sparkly-unicorn-collage representing my family.
It was surprisingly time-consuming.
But also incredibly important because when things are chaotic, I cope by expending huge amounts of energy to ignore whatever is on fire… It is a subcategory of my ability to avoid doing anything of actual value with my life.
Example:
I also bought a ticket to Haven — a weekend-long, DIY-home-blog conference in Georgia. (The state, not Russia.) This means I will have to leave my house and stay in a hotel… A direct violation of every principle of my comfort zone.
Comfort zone principles:
1 – there’s no place like home.
2 – hotels are disgusting pits of other people’s sloughed skin and insomnia and canned air that dries your skin out five-seconds after check-in. (The Hotel duPont where we had our wedding reception is magically exempt.)
What I most object to is the water in hotel showers. My theory is that they treat it with equal parts slime and chlorine, (to counteract the slime). So that when you get out of the shower you feel coated with a thin film of something sticky (slime), but you dry SUPERFAST (chlorine).
Whatever time I am forced to spend on earth after taking a hotel shower is a test of my sanity… I might LOOK like I am listening to you, or going to a funeral/wedding, but what I am ACTUALLY doing is thinking about how if I start itching, I will not be able to stop.
Fortunately, it is months and months away, so I can fool myself into thinking it won’t be that bad. Because, who knows? Maybe I will get a personality transplant by then.
Then, on top of the actual stress I was having, my Pinterest account got hacked… I had the most courteous hacker ever, (or maybe they actually value ideas for turning old windows into cabinets, and DIY kitchen-islands, who knows).
Either way, they did not pin anything of their own. They just locked me out of my account and changed my bio to their info… To make it up to me, they put my location as Paris.
Anyway, it is unlikely that you care about any of this but it’s all I have to offer, so now I am going to tell you about the sparkly-unicorn-Barnes-family-portrait.
I have two brothers. Matthew is much younger – I was 13 when he was born, so I experienced his life at an age when I was old enough to appreciate him. He turned 23 this month, and that math does not seem remotely possible.
Matthew is inheriting my old computer now that I upgraded… And I wanted to be sure that he was SURPRISED when he turned it on.
I knew I wanted it to be very sparkly surprise. With unicorns and other things a 23-year-old man would be excited to have on his desktop. From there, it spiraled out of control. I feel it may be my finest work yet.
This is his desktop picture.
When Matthew was little, he had two favorite things in the world – singing songs from The Jungle Book, and Barney the purple dinosaur.
His most prized possession in the entire world was a pair of Barney tube socks. They were white, and came almost to his knees and they were printed with a giant Barney. He wore them all the time.
At some point, he outgrew Barney. And he must have been sort of traumatized by the realization that his dinosaur friends weren’t real; compounded by a painful awareness of how uncool his attachment had been… and you could not even MENTION to him how much he had liked Barney without him having a complete meltdown.
So periodically Chris would say to Matt, in this super-slow, drawn-out voice – Matthew, are you wearing your Barney socks? And Matthew would turn this alarming shade of red and scream – I am not wearing my Barney socks.
It was like just the suggestion of Barney made him insane with rage.
Obviously, this was hysterical.
I will explain the finer points, so that you can appreciate the nuance.
- Unicorn-Chris is wearing his Indiana Jones hat, (his equivalent of Barney socks).
- Schmoo, (the cat) and Gretchen, (the dog) are proving the existence of an afterlife.
- Unicorn-Matthew is accompanied by Buddy the cat. (My dad walked by an abandoned, boarded-up house, and heard a cat crying. We don’t know how long Buddy was in there with no food or water.) Buddy loves my dad, but he loves Matthew even more.
- My mom is wearing her hair in a bun — it’s the same hairstyle she has had for her entire mom-life. (This sounds frumpy, but it works for her.)
- “I love you, you love me, we’re a happy family.” Is the Barney theme song.
- My father is trying to discuss the principles of morality and missing out on all the fun.
- I doubt Elvis and I require explanation.
- And, of course, Matthew is wearing his Barney socks.
March 5, 2014 @ 9:42 am
Nothing quite like torturing a little brother…..
March 5, 2014 @ 9:45 am
You are a FANTASTIC sister! If I had a sister I would want her to be just like you! I notice your dad has no iPhone. Did he lose it a.g.a.i.n.??
March 5, 2014 @ 10:12 am
Are you familiar with the lyrics to The Jungle Book song- “Bare Necessities?” There is a line that says–”Forget about your worries and your strife.” Matthew used to sing it–”forget about your worries and your wife.”
I couldn’t quite work that into the story, but needed to tell someone, apparently.
March 5, 2014 @ 10:56 am
I think it only fitting for me to be the one you tell.
Auto-fill just put my phone number in the ‘Your Website’ box. How did that happen? I dunno!
March 5, 2014 @ 9:50 am
The only thing missing is the Disco Ball!
March 5, 2014 @ 9:50 am
Clearly, this is all about love. You’ve simply included all the things he loves most in life.
Matthew, loving Barney is OK. Don’t let anyone take him from you. I’m assuming you just had an early love for paleontology though, right?
March 5, 2014 @ 9:54 am
Oh man, I love this. It reminds me of my sibs. Just this week, my sister and I dressed up like Soviet-Era chanteuses and sang Disney’s the Circle of Life, recorded it and sent it to our (not-nearly-amused-enough) brothers.
Family…
March 5, 2014 @ 9:57 am
If required, my brothers and I could go on tour tomorrow–performing The Jungle Book from beginning to end, we would not even need to practice.
(Not that they would. Which is why I always wanted sisters.)
March 5, 2014 @ 10:42 am
I will be your honorary internet little sister. For one thing, I have an excellent King Louie voice (no one agrees with me, but they are probably just jealous). And for another, I feel like we could engage in shenanigans that *my* little sister isn’t ready to commit to.
And you could teach me how to tie a bow properly. *hangs head in shame*
March 5, 2014 @ 9:54 am
I seriously think that this is perfect!! I hope he appreciates this as much as he should. And, I was loving the description of the hotel water. Its never bothered me before, but somehow I know exactly what you’re talking about.
March 5, 2014 @ 9:59 am
Can I just tell you that I so look forward to your posts. They always make me laugh out loud! I think it’s great that you spent the time making this for your brother. Fabulous!
March 5, 2014 @ 10:22 am
Lisa Frank would be proud. Well done!
P.S. Bring your own water glass to the hotel. I saw an exposé on how staff usually cleans those glasses and it involves Windex and a paper towel…
March 5, 2014 @ 10:24 am
Please. I bring my ENTIRE house to hotel. I should just buy a Winnebago and be done with it.
March 5, 2014 @ 10:44 am
Horrifyingly, a friend pointed out that certain cultures spit frequently, and probably the carpet is full of old saliva. I abominate hotels and have OFTEN wondered how they get hotel water to be a different consistency and smell than ALL other waters.
Horrifying thought: taking a bath in a hotel. Gag.
March 5, 2014 @ 10:58 am
This is why I always travel to a hotel with my own dish washing supplies. No lie!
March 5, 2014 @ 11:53 am
OhMyLord! Ya’ll just ruined me for staying anywhere but the Ritz-Carlton!! My travel budget (which is zero right now) thanks you. You could take a bath in a pond and get better results!
March 5, 2014 @ 10:23 am
I love your blog—it always makes me laugh out loud. And I’m glad to hear I’m not the only one who dislikes traveling and leaving all the familiar comforts of home, even though I have to do it way more than I would like to. Why do people think it’s glamorous or fun?? It’s a mystery.
I hope your brother loves his Screensaver-Of-Love. It’s fabulous!
March 5, 2014 @ 10:48 am
I will now get 57,000 emails saying – DO YOU KNOW THAT MARY ENGELBREIT COMMENTED????????????????
xoxo
March 5, 2014 @ 11:00 am
OH. MY. GANACHE!!!!!
SHE DID!! SHE DID!!
I just died a little. I also palpitated more than a little.
March 5, 2014 @ 10:30 am
Have you been to Haven before? I haven’t but I am considering it this year … if only to use it as a long weekend away from home during the summer doldrums. I’m not into blogging for profit or into the inevitable hot-new-thing in trendy home decorating, but it could be fun try something out of my comfort zone to meet some new people.
I find that it is really fun to ‘meet’ some other attendees before the actual event, to shorten the acclimatizing curve that inevitably leads to awkwardness at a conference where I don’t know anyone … works well for high school reunions, too. Provides a safe place to dock in a sea of unfamiliarness.
March 5, 2014 @ 10:40 am
I haven’t been before… I almost went last year, but reverted to my comfort zone. (And afterwards was irritated with myself for being so committed to never trying new things.)
Plus, shamefully, I have never been to Atlanta, despite being Scarlett O’Hara for Halloween MANY years in a row.
March 5, 2014 @ 10:38 pm
Tell me, please, that you used yards and yards of velvet drapery and a curtain rod across your shoulders…
Love your blog!
March 5, 2014 @ 10:35 am
My sister and I made curls out of yellow construction paper and bobby pinned them to my brothers head when he was ~5…he’d kill me if he knew I shared this with everyone and their mother! Haha! The entire purpose of family is to embarrass each other, right?!
March 5, 2014 @ 10:39 am
Oh man. I’m sure Lisa Franks’ heart is swelling with pride right now. LOVE this.
March 5, 2014 @ 10:46 am
Ahhhhhh…siblings! So when I was little we lived in Escondido, CA (outside of San Diego) and every time we drove anywhere even remotely near the border of Mexico (as in even a half an hour away) my blonde haired blue eyed sister would tell me, her brown haired brown eyed little sister, that the police were going to think that my parents were trying to smuggle me in illegally and so I needed to lie on the floorboards of the car and be very quiet so they wouldn’t take me. I think you and she would get along very well! 😉
P.S. You just CANNOT go wrong with unicorns, barney and cats!
March 5, 2014 @ 11:11 am
As a diabolical older sister, I realized that you may have forgotten something really important.
You must IMMEDIATELY either delete all the other photos and blank backgrounds or password lock the background so he can’t change it!
xoxo
March 5, 2014 @ 11:19 am
I was so super excited to see a new post in my Inbox this morning as MY Pinterest account was also hacked and apparently I also reside in Paris! And this was, of course, a bummer to me and my Pinterest love. However, it’s good to know we can both bounce back from this. You, in the form of an amazing background and I, in the form of conning my high school Spanish students into learning all morning. It’s a win-win for us both.
March 5, 2014 @ 11:46 am
I obviously missed something here. My older siblings weren’t nearly as fun and funny with their torture forms as you are. Most of them weren’t funny at all. But I do recall that on my 16th birthday, my best friend and I went with my parents to the local 5-star hibachi restaurant for dinner (HUGE deal in 1979), and while we were out, my oldest sister (who was 14 years older) stopped by the house to leave my present. She had forgotten a card. But she saw my friend’s carefully-chosen sentimental-drivel card on the table. So she found a pencil, crossed out Amy’s name, and signed her own. I thought it was the funniest thing anyone had ever done. My friend was not impressed at all. But none of my siblings have ever created anything REMOTELY as fabulous as that wallpaper, so I bow to your sibling greatness.
Now I am off to check my Pinterest account and make sure I have not moved to Paris, too.
March 5, 2014 @ 11:55 am
We still tease both of our son’s (ages 35/31) about a whole host of embarrassing childhood passions…a He-Man bicycle and /Star Wars characters for the oldest and enough sports cards collected we could cover the earth them for the youngest!
Can I come visit you in Paris?
Karen
March 5, 2014 @ 11:57 am
What you have done for your brother is far better than any family therapy group could have done! And, of course, for a lot less $$$. As for the hotel, have you considered staying at a B&B instead?
March 5, 2014 @ 11:57 am
your posts make my day. i love the screensaver and the breakdown of what it means. i do hope you take the advice listed above and password lock that shiz. lol. when are you giving it to him? i would love to know his reaction. lisa frank sparkle rainbow unicorns 4 EVA.
i also got hacked from pintrest. also from paris. i found out a lot of people did too. so weird.
March 5, 2014 @ 11:58 am
Don’t like hotels..consider VRBO. Vacation rental by owner. People have places they rent out. I’ve stayed in a few very nice places. People also give very honest reviews which I found very helpful.