The KINGDOM mirror– proving that you NEVER KNOW what is on the other end of a Craigslist ad.
After the Victorian wardrobe salvage saga…
After spending four hours in an unheated building.
After ripping apart a wall with a toothpick.
After loading and unloading a truck until nearly midnight…
Paul told me to stop looking on Craigslist for a while.
He said I had reached my quota.
I nodded and pretended like he was the one who made such decisions.
Then I went and looked on Craigslist.
Now.
Three things:
1. I have a totally ill-advised fondness for anyone named Rocky.
2. a FIFTEEN-foot-tall mirror is far too large for our house.
3. a posting with no photo = guaranteed garbage.
So I closed the tab.
But a few weeks later, I saw it again… and the primordial-mirror-troll who lives in my head said— you should find out what that is.
And I was like— look, mirror-troll:
A. Paul’s head will explode.
B. How would I get a 15 FOOT mirror into the house?
And the mirror-troll said— what if it’s fancy?
So I emailed the guy.
Did you read that?
Did you read it closely?
Is there any description that could possibly be more appealing, than something that looks like a KINGDOM?
No.
There is not.
So the mirror-troll was like— S.C.O.R.E.
But I was like— ummm hello, twelve-feet is still WAY TOO BIG.
The mirror-troll said— I bet it’s not that big.
I bet they didn’t even measure it.
I BET YOU SHOULD GET IT.
I was like— word.
So on Saturday morning, I said to Paul, casually— do you want to go look at something?
I think his hair actually stood on end.
He was like— WHAT?
No. No, I do not.
I was like— oh, okay, well… we could go this afternoon… if you wanted to.
You know what he said?
Nothing. NOT ONE THING.
That silence USED to make me insane. But now I see it as a stage in the Kübler-Ross model of acceptance.
Not even twenty minutes later, he said— what is this thing you want to see?
To you, this sounds like a question. To me, it sounds like defeat.
So.
You can see that this is not precisely the kingdom’s home I had imagined; and I was sort of like, hmmmm… is it possible the mirror-troll has steered me wrong?
We rang the bell, and the guy came out… He walked past us, down the front steps, and started down the sidewalk.
Paul said—should we follow you? Where are we going?
And the guy said— it’s in the alley, under a tarp… it doesn’t fit in the house.
I really wish I had a photo of the look on Paul’s face.
Paul said— wait. What? How big is this?
The guy said—about 12 feet.
Paul said—TWELVE feet?
We got to the backyard and I said cheerfully— look! That’s NOT twelve feet tall!
Paul acted like this was somehow not of utmost importance.
He said— did you bring me to look at a mirror that was advertised as 12 feet tall?
And I said— no.
It was advertised as 15 feet tall.
But I thought they might be wrong.
I guess Paul is jealous of the way the universe is my personal shopper because he didn’t even acknowledge that it’s pretty amazing how I psychically knew this.
AND THEN:
I was like— I think I’m going to have a seizure.
The mirror-troll said— I TOLD YOU SO.
Proving for all time, that you NEVER KNOW what is on the other end of a Craigslist ad.
It’s probably total crap.
But it might be this:
I was like— alrighty then. YUP. For sure. I will DEFINITELY be needing that.
Let’s pack it up.
Paul said— are you kidding me? Are you even seeing the same thing I am?
And I was like— look at me. Look me in the eye. Do you really believe I am leaving here without this? Because I’m not.
If I have to go on steroids for the next six months? And get a trainer to teach me to dead-lift 1,000 pounds so that I can move it myself?
This will happen.
Paul has this look that he gets. Where CLEARLY he would like to kill someone. But now he is totally inconvenienced because he CAN’T.
Because he has to move a giant mirror.
Obviously, I’m fine with murderous irritation… it’s a small price to pay for my everlasting happiness.
Besides, it’s not my fault that the universe WANTS ME TO HAVE THESE THINGS.
It is OUTSIDE MY CONTROL.
We went home to get Brian’s truck… and on the way, I texted a photo to my mom.
She said— WOW! I cannot WAIT to see it in your house!
I told Paul— my mom loves it!
Paul said– that’s because everyone in your family is an insane enabler with no concept of reality.
Which is true. And also why I love them.
What’s that?
You’re thinking this does not look totally reasonable?
Well, it is.
All we had to do was lay it on the bed of the truck. And then use the magic straps which, for about five dollars and a lot of irritation, will do everything including hauling giant bookshelves up three flights of stairs.
Then we drove home on I-95, which is 14-lanes wide… and I have to say that there is nothing like transporting a Kingdom, down a freeway, at 60 miles-an-hour, while tractor-trailers blow by you.
You have not experienced the meaning of FUN, until you have done this.
Especially since everyone got to listen to me say 47,984 times— OH MY GOD I CAN NOT BELIEVE WE ARE GETTING THIS.
CAN YOU BELIEVE WE ARE GETTING THIS?
I CAN NOT BELIEVE IT.
CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?
Everyone really enjoyed that part.
The guys who helped us get it in the house were like— what are you going to do with it?
And I’m confused by what that question means.
I’m not going to DO anything with it.
It exists.
Therefore it is mine.
The End.
see the even GIANT-er FANCIER mirror I got at auction!
November 23, 2017 @ 9:11 am
This is THE best! What a great find! And good for you for getting regardless of what negative Nancy says 😂
December 6, 2017 @ 12:22 pm
You are killing me! Especially since your truck looks like the exact same model as mine (from the bed POV, anyway)! White Dodge Dakota, ca. 2003? Obviously, I can bring home something equally ludicrous, er, I mean spectacular!
December 17, 2017 @ 2:44 am
Just wanted to say, WOW, it S a beautiful, awesome mirror! Lam happy for you that you found it!”! Congrats on your epic find!
December 18, 2017 @ 3:48 am
Someone needs to send this to Jenny Lawson (The Bloggess)!!!!! (She’s the one behind Beyonce, the giant metal chicken.)
December 19, 2017 @ 12:24 am
When you’re done with it – may I have it please?
January 1, 2018 @ 4:08 pm
I love you! We also might be related! I have done this MANY times to my hubby! I will be doing it many many many more time too!! Love that you have two of them!! Awesome! They look magnificent!
January 11, 2018 @ 5:26 pm
I love you! You ARE my spirit animal. Can you train my boyfriend? His silence is NOT silent acceptance.
Did I mention that I love you?!?
-shirley
January 27, 2018 @ 6:28 pm
I love this post I just could not stop smiling while I was reading,and as I’m sitting in my bathroom trying to read it without my kid bothering me, (mom,mom,mom,MOM! In the backround,WHAT?,I snap)he finds me sitting on the tub with my cell up to my face,what doing?reading!watchya reading? A story about a lady buying a mirror!why? And I point to the 4×5 gold Framed mirror that takes up the whole wall above the sink,he just gives me this weird look and starts to slowly back out of the bathroom ,closing the door and a laugh ,he opens back up,what?I say ur face and this lady’s story is something mommy would do.
February 1, 2018 @ 2:33 pm
Love, love love the story..at first, I thought it was me you were talking about. 😊
February 12, 2018 @ 8:04 pm
Love your story! I’m a huge antique lover and the great deals and the odd finds are the best! Look forward to following your finds!
February 13, 2018 @ 1:13 pm
I think this is quite possibly the best and funny story I have ever read. I tht I was gonna have a seizure b4 I got to the end of it. U have never commented on an actual story b4 like this, but I think we must b related and ur hubby must b related to my dear departed husband. Who by the way was named Rocky. Thank u for the laughSSSSS.
February 17, 2018 @ 8:04 am
I absolutely love that mirror!
March 2, 2018 @ 7:20 pm
Loved your story! I laughed out loud! I am a big Craigslister, my hubby feels the same way Paul does…but he always goes with me and helps me bring my treasures home.
March 6, 2018 @ 8:16 pm
Gorgeous! Your husband NEEDS to listen to you more often! An amazing find and looks PERFECT in that room!❤️
March 30, 2018 @ 5:29 am
Stupid story without adding what the piece actually is worth!
April 6, 2018 @ 12:43 am
I find I have the same ailments
(Wants, needs, gifts…), as of you. My husband has enjoyed almost as much as yours! I have been staying away from Craigslist, garage sales, Goodwill’s, off the beaten path second hand stores, due to his persistent pleading to hold off. 😊
Love your finds!
April 9, 2018 @ 4:14 pm
I love it!!! And yes I am so jealous!! I love your delivery!! Your story was captivating.
April 11, 2018 @ 12:42 pm
So happy for you!Yes,it is a grand thing of beauty!!!!You are one lucky women to own a mirror such as that!The many wonderful things that that must have been reflected in that mirror.Only the mirror knows.
April 11, 2018 @ 10:47 pm
If I could even begin to express the absolute and complete penultimate level of jealousy that is all-consuming and overflowing my very being at this moment for that precious…oh my…you have scored, my dear. That is amazeballs.
April 15, 2018 @ 3:44 pm
I just HOWLED through your narration of this whole process! And the bit about not letting the guys know too far ahead of things…PRICELESS!! It is gorgeous, gorgeous, gorgeous and you practically stole it!!! Great find, and it deserves to have you “save” it! Sincere congratulations for a job well done and a beautiful piece rescued!!