The KINGDOM mirror– proving that you NEVER KNOW what is on the other end of a Craigslist ad.
After the Victorian wardrobe salvage saga…
After spending four hours in an unheated building.
After ripping apart a wall with a toothpick.
After loading and unloading a truck until nearly midnight…
Paul told me to stop looking on Craigslist for a while.
He said I had reached my quota.
I nodded and pretended like he was the one who made such decisions.
Then I went and looked on Craigslist.
Now.
Three things:
1. I have a totally ill-advised fondness for anyone named Rocky.
2. a FIFTEEN-foot-tall mirror is far too large for our house.
3. a posting with no photo = guaranteed garbage.
So I closed the tab.
But a few weeks later, I saw it again… and the primordial-mirror-troll who lives in my head said— you should find out what that is.
And I was like— look, mirror-troll:
A. Paul’s head will explode.
B. How would I get a 15 FOOT mirror into the house?
And the mirror-troll said— what if it’s fancy?
So I emailed the guy.
Did you read that?
Did you read it closely?
Is there any description that could possibly be more appealing, than something that looks like a KINGDOM?
No.
There is not.
So the mirror-troll was like— S.C.O.R.E.
But I was like— ummm hello, twelve-feet is still WAY TOO BIG.
The mirror-troll said— I bet it’s not that big.
I bet they didn’t even measure it.
I BET YOU SHOULD GET IT.
I was like— word.
So on Saturday morning, I said to Paul, casually— do you want to go look at something?
I think his hair actually stood on end.
He was like— WHAT?
No. No, I do not.
I was like— oh, okay, well… we could go this afternoon… if you wanted to.
You know what he said?
Nothing. NOT ONE THING.
That silence USED to make me insane. But now I see it as a stage in the Kübler-Ross model of acceptance.
Not even twenty minutes later, he said— what is this thing you want to see?
To you, this sounds like a question. To me, it sounds like defeat.
So.
You can see that this is not precisely the kingdom’s home I had imagined; and I was sort of like, hmmmm… is it possible the mirror-troll has steered me wrong?
We rang the bell, and the guy came out… He walked past us, down the front steps, and started down the sidewalk.
Paul said—should we follow you? Where are we going?
And the guy said— it’s in the alley, under a tarp… it doesn’t fit in the house.
I really wish I had a photo of the look on Paul’s face.
Paul said— wait. What? How big is this?
The guy said—about 12 feet.
Paul said—TWELVE feet?
We got to the backyard and I said cheerfully— look! That’s NOT twelve feet tall!
Paul acted like this was somehow not of utmost importance.
He said— did you bring me to look at a mirror that was advertised as 12 feet tall?
And I said— no.
It was advertised as 15 feet tall.
But I thought they might be wrong.
I guess Paul is jealous of the way the universe is my personal shopper because he didn’t even acknowledge that it’s pretty amazing how I psychically knew this.
AND THEN:
I was like— I think I’m going to have a seizure.
The mirror-troll said— I TOLD YOU SO.
Proving for all time, that you NEVER KNOW what is on the other end of a Craigslist ad.
It’s probably total crap.
But it might be this:
I was like— alrighty then. YUP. For sure. I will DEFINITELY be needing that.
Let’s pack it up.
Paul said— are you kidding me? Are you even seeing the same thing I am?
And I was like— look at me. Look me in the eye. Do you really believe I am leaving here without this? Because I’m not.
If I have to go on steroids for the next six months? And get a trainer to teach me to dead-lift 1,000 pounds so that I can move it myself?
This will happen.
Paul has this look that he gets. Where CLEARLY he would like to kill someone. But now he is totally inconvenienced because he CAN’T.
Because he has to move a giant mirror.
Obviously, I’m fine with murderous irritation… it’s a small price to pay for my everlasting happiness.
Besides, it’s not my fault that the universe WANTS ME TO HAVE THESE THINGS.
It is OUTSIDE MY CONTROL.
We went home to get Brian’s truck… and on the way, I texted a photo to my mom.
She said— WOW! I cannot WAIT to see it in your house!
I told Paul— my mom loves it!
Paul said– that’s because everyone in your family is an insane enabler with no concept of reality.
Which is true. And also why I love them.
What’s that?
You’re thinking this does not look totally reasonable?
Well, it is.
All we had to do was lay it on the bed of the truck. And then use the magic straps which, for about five dollars and a lot of irritation, will do everything including hauling giant bookshelves up three flights of stairs.
Then we drove home on I-95, which is 14-lanes wide… and I have to say that there is nothing like transporting a Kingdom, down a freeway, at 60 miles-an-hour, while tractor-trailers blow by you.
You have not experienced the meaning of FUN, until you have done this.
Especially since everyone got to listen to me say 47,984 times— OH MY GOD I CAN NOT BELIEVE WE ARE GETTING THIS.
CAN YOU BELIEVE WE ARE GETTING THIS?
I CAN NOT BELIEVE IT.
CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?
Everyone really enjoyed that part.
The guys who helped us get it in the house were like— what are you going to do with it?
And I’m confused by what that question means.
I’m not going to DO anything with it.
It exists.
Therefore it is mine.
The End.
see the even GIANT-er FANCIER mirror I got at auction!
June 30, 2013 @ 5:53 pm
wow!! What a gorgeous mirror! Absolutely beautiful! What a blessing you have not only find this, have it in your house, and get it for only $250! Do you realize how much this mirror would be worth? It is gorgeous. Good for you. I know your husband may get frustrated but I bet when he looks around at how absolutely beautiful you have made your home, how luxurious and lavish it looks without spending a fortune, he smiles and appreciates it. Happy hunting or should I say ‘trolling?’
June 30, 2013 @ 10:23 pm
Just LOOK at yourself…collecting a gorgeous mirror the envy of everyone and two million comments on the wonderful happiness you have brought for yourself…a reflection of your talent!
June 30, 2013 @ 11:02 pm
You, madam, totally and truly 100% rock. I mean, I blog. I write about hobbits. You corral minimally-persnicketty husbands into helping corral beauties like this into your home.
What more can I say?
Except: your spirit and joy is infectious, in a good way. Also: you’ve earned a proud spot on my post-Google Reader RSS feed. 🙂
July 1, 2013 @ 1:32 am
KISMET … haven’t used that word in about a billion years.
that mirror was drawn into your DNA before birth … and now, it’s finally home.
great story … photos … and just totally awesome in about a dozen different ways
July 1, 2013 @ 10:26 am
Wow what a great find!!! I love it!
July 1, 2013 @ 12:02 pm
Oh my gosh! Wow doesn’t even sound good enough! This beast is gorgeous and I totally get it….the universe is always helping me find good things too!
July 1, 2013 @ 9:03 pm
wow I mean really seriously wow
July 1, 2013 @ 9:53 pm
That is the most magnificent mirror ever in the history of magnificent mirrors.
July 1, 2013 @ 10:30 pm
>sniff, dab tears of laughter and happiness with hanky< I just found you! I think I love you.
July 1, 2013 @ 10:31 pm
maybe I just want to be you … maybe I’m jealous of your mirror. OMG I love you LOL
July 1, 2013 @ 11:59 pm
I think I love her too! (that’s you Victoria!). I don’t expecially love shiny or fancy things and I hate the idea of renovating. Well, I like the idea of it, I hate the actual living through it part.
I love your blog though – oh you made me laugh. I think I read it in it’s entirety 2 nights ago. I woke up feeling as if I was in the middle of a novel I needed to get back to . . . What’s happening with the kitchen???
Looking forward to more!
(PS: found you through Momastery.)
July 1, 2013 @ 11:02 pm
Absolutely one of the funniest things I’ve ever read. And to the few snarky people who feel the need to express their disapproval of:
1. your obsession for decorating your own home with beautiful things, using your own money (assuming you didn’t trade food stamps for either mirror);
2. your writing style (Even those of us who are picky about grammar & punctuation–but also have a good sense of HUMOR–know that creative writing doesn’t always follow the “rules”!);
3. your relationship with Paul;
their comments merely reveal how desperately unhappy they are. I prefer to spend my free time doing things that I enjoy, like appreciating this artfully written blog by the feminine version of Dave Barry. I don’t have time to lurk on FB pages or blogs that annoy me, but then I’m not masochistic. Blog on, dear Victoria, blog on.
July 2, 2013 @ 1:03 am
I love your mirror! Your blog is terrific – you are such a good writer. And your adventures I’m sure will become legend. Your husband is a saint or perhaps he secretly harbors a deep and abiding love for large and shiny things too but doesn’t want to let you know because that would be, you know, fanning the already humongous fire, so to speak. Those angled steps off the patio were such a kick, obviously the work of the wicked witch of the west. I can’t wait to see what you find next. Happy hunting.
July 2, 2013 @ 4:17 pm
We love your story of the Kingdom mirror and appreciated the interesting comments. We know that the mirror is beautiful, because we have seen it in your house.
Love Mom and Dad “K”
XO XO
July 2, 2013 @ 5:12 pm
Craig posted this story on his fb…
https://www.facebook.com/craignewmark
July 2, 2013 @ 6:28 pm
was caught by your title, as a craigslist junkie really am impressed with this find. then of course i read about your move w/Lara your friend, what a wonderful tribute to friendship. Thanks for sharing, have never thought about the stats of my blogs as i have not had many followers and find that am not as encouraged to keep trying.
July 2, 2013 @ 6:57 pm
I read the whole thing. It’s a beautiful mirror. But you know what is glaringly apparent in your piece? The fact that you don’t give a rat’s ass for the feelings or opinions of this “Paul” person. Assuming (perhaps incorrectly) that he shares your living space and fiscal responsibility, your uncaring and flippant attitude toward his reactions are really kind of sad.
July 8, 2013 @ 10:14 am
I thought it was called humor! I’ll bet Paul adores her and vice versa.
July 3, 2013 @ 12:26 am
I have a hunch that Paul loves that your blog is immensely popular & realizes its potential to help fund your projects, maybe even pay for a trip or two. Apparently your critics don’t understand humor or the Internet, & how some people turn an ability to write into a profitable venture. You’re one of those people, & your critics are not.
July 3, 2013 @ 12:29 am
Ok, this? It’s totally awesome. When I saw the pic of the tarp-covered mirror in the alley, I actually chortled and squealed, “Holy shit!”
And then…the reveal? Jaw. dropping. More squealing. I was so excited for you, I almost forgot to be jealous. Almost.
Off to search Craigslist for my own Kingdom mirror. Which will look awesome in the living room I’m going to redecorate. Once I get the mirror.
July 3, 2013 @ 11:04 am
I love…. everything about this post. AGAIN. You’re spectacular. ha that is all.
July 4, 2013 @ 2:05 pm
I just fell in love with you….. and your mirror.
July 4, 2013 @ 2:17 pm
hello, soul-sistah of the East…..i will be subbing in my son Zach to play the part of your hubby Paul in my Craigslist memoir……