The KINGDOM mirror– proving that you NEVER KNOW what is on the other end of a Craigslist ad.
After the Victorian wardrobe salvage saga…
After spending four hours in an unheated building.
After ripping apart a wall with a toothpick.
After loading and unloading a truck until nearly midnight…
Paul told me to stop looking on Craigslist for a while.
He said I had reached my quota.
I nodded and pretended like he was the one who made such decisions.
Then I went and looked on Craigslist.
Now.
Three things:
1. I have a totally ill-advised fondness for anyone named Rocky.
2. a FIFTEEN-foot-tall mirror is far too large for our house.
3. a posting with no photo = guaranteed garbage.
So I closed the tab.
But a few weeks later, I saw it again… and the primordial-mirror-troll who lives in my head said— you should find out what that is.
And I was like— look, mirror-troll:
A. Paul’s head will explode.
B. How would I get a 15 FOOT mirror into the house?
And the mirror-troll said— what if it’s fancy?
So I emailed the guy.
Did you read that?
Did you read it closely?
Is there any description that could possibly be more appealing, than something that looks like a KINGDOM?
No.
There is not.
So the mirror-troll was like— S.C.O.R.E.
But I was like— ummm hello, twelve-feet is still WAY TOO BIG.
The mirror-troll said— I bet it’s not that big.
I bet they didn’t even measure it.
I BET YOU SHOULD GET IT.
I was like— word.
So on Saturday morning, I said to Paul, casually— do you want to go look at something?
I think his hair actually stood on end.
He was like— WHAT?
No. No, I do not.
I was like— oh, okay, well… we could go this afternoon… if you wanted to.
You know what he said?
Nothing. NOT ONE THING.
That silence USED to make me insane. But now I see it as a stage in the Kübler-Ross model of acceptance.
Not even twenty minutes later, he said— what is this thing you want to see?
To you, this sounds like a question. To me, it sounds like defeat.
So.
You can see that this is not precisely the kingdom’s home I had imagined; and I was sort of like, hmmmm… is it possible the mirror-troll has steered me wrong?
We rang the bell, and the guy came out… He walked past us, down the front steps, and started down the sidewalk.
Paul said—should we follow you? Where are we going?
And the guy said— it’s in the alley, under a tarp… it doesn’t fit in the house.
I really wish I had a photo of the look on Paul’s face.
Paul said— wait. What? How big is this?
The guy said—about 12 feet.
Paul said—TWELVE feet?
We got to the backyard and I said cheerfully— look! That’s NOT twelve feet tall!
Paul acted like this was somehow not of utmost importance.
He said— did you bring me to look at a mirror that was advertised as 12 feet tall?
And I said— no.
It was advertised as 15 feet tall.
But I thought they might be wrong.
I guess Paul is jealous of the way the universe is my personal shopper because he didn’t even acknowledge that it’s pretty amazing how I psychically knew this.
AND THEN:
I was like— I think I’m going to have a seizure.
The mirror-troll said— I TOLD YOU SO.
Proving for all time, that you NEVER KNOW what is on the other end of a Craigslist ad.
It’s probably total crap.
But it might be this:
I was like— alrighty then. YUP. For sure. I will DEFINITELY be needing that.
Let’s pack it up.
Paul said— are you kidding me? Are you even seeing the same thing I am?
And I was like— look at me. Look me in the eye. Do you really believe I am leaving here without this? Because I’m not.
If I have to go on steroids for the next six months? And get a trainer to teach me to dead-lift 1,000 pounds so that I can move it myself?
This will happen.
Paul has this look that he gets. Where CLEARLY he would like to kill someone. But now he is totally inconvenienced because he CAN’T.
Because he has to move a giant mirror.
Obviously, I’m fine with murderous irritation… it’s a small price to pay for my everlasting happiness.
Besides, it’s not my fault that the universe WANTS ME TO HAVE THESE THINGS.
It is OUTSIDE MY CONTROL.
We went home to get Brian’s truck… and on the way, I texted a photo to my mom.
She said— WOW! I cannot WAIT to see it in your house!
I told Paul— my mom loves it!
Paul said– that’s because everyone in your family is an insane enabler with no concept of reality.
Which is true. And also why I love them.
What’s that?
You’re thinking this does not look totally reasonable?
Well, it is.
All we had to do was lay it on the bed of the truck. And then use the magic straps which, for about five dollars and a lot of irritation, will do everything including hauling giant bookshelves up three flights of stairs.
Then we drove home on I-95, which is 14-lanes wide… and I have to say that there is nothing like transporting a Kingdom, down a freeway, at 60 miles-an-hour, while tractor-trailers blow by you.
You have not experienced the meaning of FUN, until you have done this.
Especially since everyone got to listen to me say 47,984 times— OH MY GOD I CAN NOT BELIEVE WE ARE GETTING THIS.
CAN YOU BELIEVE WE ARE GETTING THIS?
I CAN NOT BELIEVE IT.
CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?
Everyone really enjoyed that part.
The guys who helped us get it in the house were like— what are you going to do with it?
And I’m confused by what that question means.
I’m not going to DO anything with it.
It exists.
Therefore it is mine.
The End.
see the even GIANT-er FANCIER mirror I got at auction!
June 29, 2013 @ 4:59 am
Okay I am now officially following your blog!! Hooked on the first post I read ( because my daughter is a sweetheart who sent us here) You made me laugh my head off and think ” she’s got a good hubby like mine is” and “poor guy” hahaha!! I totally LOVE the mirror named Kingdom! (and you have two! TWO!)
June 29, 2013 @ 5:02 am
LOVE this story and your amazing sense of humor!
June 29, 2013 @ 5:20 am
I laughed so hard, I cried. Then I read it out loud to my husband, and I managed to make it intelligible through my tearful laughter. Why was I laughing so hard? Because my husband is the California version of Paul! God bless them both.
June 29, 2013 @ 6:35 am
OMGoodness, FANTASTIC~! So glad my husband owns a moving company~ I get stuff moved easily but that’s if/when you can find it~ That is the MOST beautiful mirror I’ve ever seen ~ Good Job~!
June 29, 2013 @ 7:44 am
Writing tips for English 101: Who wouldn’t want a “kingdom”?
June 29, 2013 @ 7:45 am
Ok first things first….I totally love the story of the “Kingdom” mirror. I was giggling the whole time. This of course made my husband come check out what was going on and then the following comment…If you ever do that to me we are going to have a problem….which of course made me giggle more because I would totally do it and have before. I have yet to be lucky enough to find a “kingdom” mirror but other things have made it in to my home that make my husband’s head look like it may explode.
Good for you and your mirror troll! It is beautiful! My poor husband may have had some sort of fit when I said, “I need one of those.” But, it would totally be worth it to be able to say that I found one and needed him to go pick it up!
Thanks for the wonderful story!
June 29, 2013 @ 8:28 am
Oh wow! I absolutely love your blog. You have fantastic taste and are a very very very talented writer!!
Plus I’m jealous of your mirror(s).
June 29, 2013 @ 9:13 am
What a great story! I love your mirror and your blog. I put a link to you on my new blog because I think everyone needs a good laugh everyday! I know I’ll be back to share your new adventures.
June 29, 2013 @ 9:46 am
This made me laugh until I cried.
June 29, 2013 @ 9:51 am
See? It’s a good thing you check! That mirror is clearly UNDER 10 FEET TALL!! You really are psychic! 🙂
June 29, 2013 @ 9:52 am
I absolutely agree that you need this mirror! I love that it matches the one in the front entry! I love your decorating sense. I love that your husband puts up with you. He has to, he chose you. Even if he ACTS like this is an incovenience. He LOVES it, because he LOVES you! I saw this linked on FB & had to check it out. I am NOT a craig’s list shopper. My hubby is. But we don’t seem to find amazing things (then again we are in a small town (pop. 10,000) in Idaho). Will keep trying. Thanks for your storytelling. You are fun! I will be going to find you on FB now!
June 29, 2013 @ 9:53 am
See? It’s a good thing you called! That mirror is clearly UNDER 10 FEET TALL! You really are psychic! 🙂
June 29, 2013 @ 10:01 am
You had me at I-95.
June 29, 2013 @ 10:29 am
Loved your post, your humor and your engaging blog!!
June 29, 2013 @ 12:11 pm
Speechless. And you’ve explained exactly why it’s right to answer Cragislist ads when the muse calls.
June 29, 2013 @ 12:12 pm
Well, thanks for the laugh! I used to have a Caravan and could fit just about anything in it without having to go through my husband..I think it would be cool to have ceilings high enough to be able to fit that mirror in my house. But alas I only have 7 or 8 foot ceilings.. Enjoy it!
June 29, 2013 @ 12:53 pm
ER-Meh-Gerd!!! My dumpster diving friend forwarded this to me…..I’m almost speechless because I just realized how many of us are out here! How many times have I heard, “that won’t fit” or “there’s no way to move that”. Do they not know the meaning of “mission” or “accomplished”?!?! People that don’t understand just move along. There’s nothing to see here. Just be jealous when you see these wonderful things we’ve scored. How did you not drop to your knees when he uncovered that mirror? And the price….what can I say. Epic…you killed and then you wrote about it in the most hilarious way!!!!
Brava!
June 29, 2013 @ 1:00 pm
OMG’SH I haven’t laughed so hard in a long time! My husband and I sound just like you!!! Everytime I mention craigslist I notice his eye start to twitch…lol. My greatest score to date was a glass dining table, chairs & matching bar stools in perfect condition for FREE!!! I remember when I went to look at them the husband showed me the set. He said his wife had bought them without his consent and he HATED it. He was like are you sure you want this & I was like YESSSSSS!!! I had been looking for exactly that look and for FREEE…SCOREEE!! I have to brag a little bit more b/c when I got home my husband couldn’t believe I had gotten it all for FREE! Pretty sure he was a bit impressed…
June 29, 2013 @ 1:37 pm
First, very cool mirror. Second, Oh My Lands!! this is the first time I’ve read your blog and Thank you SO MUCH for the laugh! I haven’t laughed that hard in ages. My 8yo daughter wanted to read what was so funny but I think she would have to be married to truly see how funny your story was. Thanks.
June 29, 2013 @ 1:55 pm
Love the mirror story! I too have a Paul–my isn’t as patient as yours–he kills me once a month.
But hey! I’m still here and I think he loves me.