An auction tragedy – a tale of woe and antique garden urns.
The sensation of having adrenaline injected directly into your brain, in the form of the thought:
I AM GOING TO WIN.
Is how people end up broken and destitute.
I know this FOR SURE, because I bid these urns up to nearly $1,200.
BECAUSE THEY WERE MINE.
(Although, it turns out they are not.)
When I left for the auction, I told Paul that my top price was $400-ish for the pair. In reality, it was closer to $500-ish… and in extra reality, some part of myself believed that budget was irrelevant because the urns already cosmically belonged to me and it was just a matter of waiting around to collect them.
After I had been at the auction for an hour, I raised my mental bid-bar to $600… ish.
Just to be safe.
But also because myself pointed out to me that if I thought of the price on a per-urn basis, magically, they were half as expensive!
Self said— $300 per urn is ALMOST the same as $250! Just with slightly more gravitas! You could even go to $350 and still be in the ballpark!
Self also decided to ignore the 18% buyer’s fee and 6% sales tax in favor of convenience and not having to do math.
The bidding began at $100.
Cue music: Eye of the Tiger.
Things moved quickly… According to plan, the other bidders in the room dropped out around $500. But there was a problem– there was a phone bidder who apparently did not get the memo about how I was going to buy these urns for NO MORE THAN $600.
Somewhere around $700, I lost consciousness.
I began bidding in a fugue state… A blackout I can only attribute to my psyche having decided that without the urns, life was not worth living.
As I inched higher and higher— locked into mortal combat with the unknown assailant on the phone… we entered the $900’s and I had the thought – I am doing a BAD thing!
I looked around to see if anyone was coming to arrest me.
But they weren’t.
Self instructed me– GO. MORE. FASTER. MINE.
At NINE HUNDRED AND FIFTY DOLLARS, I tried to do some quick math to figure out exactly what I was spending.
$950 + 18% buyers fee = $1,121
$1,121 + 6% sales tax = $1,188.26
The above equation is done with a calculator. Sitting at the actual auction, it was more like this: WAY MORE money than I planned to spend + ANY MORE amount of money = HUGE AMOUNT OF MONEY.
Up until nearly $1,200:
I was CERTAIN I was about to win.
I was CERTAIN that the urns were MINE.
I was CERTAIN that Unknown Assailant was just about to cave.
But at some point I had to consider that my certainty was unfounded… Because actually, Unknown Assailant seemed perfectly willing to continue ad infinitum… I really have no idea WHAT I would have needed to pay to win these.
Self said – this is not about money! It is about destiny! If we do not win, the rest of life will be a slow, meaningless plod through an urn-less wasteland.
Who wants that?
Teaching me two important auction-truths and illustrating the fundamental unfairness of life:
- sometimes your own destiny walks off, hand-in-hand with someone else, while you sit on the pavement and sob.
- just because you are too poor, does not mean that the other bidder is also too poor… in fact, they may have ALL THE MONEY IN THE WORLD TO SPEND ON URNS THAT COSMICALLY DO NOT BELONG TO THEM and your experience is not even relevant to the situation because you are just someone who has lost control of their senses and must scurry backwards.
Then you wonder:
Why must I be the scurrier?
Why?
I have some fairly deep-seated childhood issues surrounding that question and I am pretty sure that the urns would have resolved them for me… it is unfortunate that now I will be forced to continue, unabated, my deeply flawed existence.
see the antique urn we restored
Cassandra
January 20, 2015 @ 8:35 pm
Yes but you and we know that those urns rightfully belong to you. The universe will help them find their way back to you someday. Mark my words.
Larry @ Ocean State Home
January 20, 2015 @ 9:24 pm
I can’t even begin to imagine what it would have been like trying to get those into your van (I’m thinking back to your marble slab video). They look beyond extremely heavy. Then of course, you’d have to get them out. Your husband is a very lucky guy. Maybe he put the secret bidder up to it?
But I have to ask. What would you have ever done with these?
Susan
January 20, 2015 @ 9:29 pm
The real auction tragedy–the tale of woe… is that the day bed demurely lounging behind those flashy urns has gone to another. I have despaired this live-long day that you were in its orbit, gave it no notice, blinded by the glory of those evil twins. Sigh.
Meghan Furst
January 20, 2015 @ 11:12 pm
Perhaps the urns had high-ticker Drugs shipped in them & the “Mysterious Phone Bidder” had to get to them … or else? Just a thought.
Emma
January 20, 2015 @ 11:48 pm
So I discovered and started reading your blog from beginning to end last week and have now finished. HOW WILL I KEEP PROCRASTINATING NOW? MY LIFE IS OVER. Just kidding, the internet is an endless sea for procrastination. But I am still sad that I caught up. Is is like when one starts binging on a series on Netflix only to catch up to the current season (aka the worst thing ever). Ok-love-bye.
lisa rasor
January 21, 2015 @ 9:41 am
Love the story!
Julia
January 21, 2015 @ 9:48 am
This is why my husband is my auction buddy and I am his. I tell him ahead of time my max. bid and he will turn a blind eye to an additional bid or 2 (or tell me I am being too cheap) or give me “the look” and say OK..let it go. I am not as nice. He will bid on something and I will say “Are you CRAZY?! That is a piece of cr@p!! STOP BIDDING!” ..lol
Monica W
January 21, 2015 @ 12:18 pm
I once fought a similar faceless nemesis on eBay for a VHS tape of the original Bedazzled – back in the days before IMDB and sadly *just* before the news of a new(lesser) Bedazzled was going to hit the screen.
“Bedazzled” was one of those movies that sat on the shelf in the back of my brain and just on the tip of my tongue, but rarely at the same time. It was also one of those films that other people either said “OMG YES I saw that movie!” or stared at me and tried to remember if I was on any meds while I went on and on about the fry cook and the Devil in London.
So when I saw it listed on eBay I knew it was supposed to me mine. I won, as long as you don’t look at the financials, and I made every friend I knew watch it with me.
But in separate viewings so I could justify the cost.
Yvonne Angus
January 21, 2015 @ 4:19 pm
Not Urns, but look at this awesome bed! Pricey, though!
http://jacksonville.craigslist.org/atq/4835858645.html
Yvonne Angus
January 21, 2015 @ 5:14 pm
Or this one!
http://jacksonville.craigslist.org/atq/4824297210.html
It is a Huge fancy mirror turned into a headboard, mounted on heavy duty metal bed frame. A TWOFER!
Yvonne Angus
January 21, 2015 @ 5:34 pm
This amazing hutch
http://jacksonville.craigslist.org/atd/4829426889.html
Teresa
January 22, 2015 @ 6:05 pm
Too funny, yet sad all at the same time. I’m sorry you lost the urns. Maybe “Unknown Assailant” is finished buying urns at auctions & you’ll get the next pair, which of course will be more fabulous than these!
Rachel
January 22, 2015 @ 9:45 pm
Wow! Deep seated issues! OMG! Hilarious!!! Exclamation point
Lois R
January 23, 2015 @ 9:54 am
Holy crap, that music is perfect. Sorry to get sidetracked — the urns are fabulous, sorry you didn’t win — but that music is the best! Ten million and two.
naomi
January 24, 2015 @ 3:52 pm
You know, I see urns like that around New Orleans, though the ones I saw for sale stood about eight feet high. If you’re not set on that style (and still have bucks) check out Luna forms. As nice as those above are, down here they quickly turn to rust and melt away, so I lust after cement. It stands a chance against our weather.
Cheryl
January 25, 2015 @ 11:25 am
I just stumbled across something the other day which combines my love of restoration, historic homes, French countryside, and ornate architecture… I think you may appreciate it.
http://Www.chateaudegudanes.org
God bless the husband in that project! Lol
UNKNOWN ASSAILANT
January 27, 2015 @ 3:48 pm
Oh how I rue the day I paid $1200+ for this pair of urns!!! I have experienced nothing but misfortune since acquiring them. I learned from a paranormal investigator that the urns are cursed, probably by some vindictive auction bidding necromancer who had loved and lost. Have pity on me…
Amber
February 3, 2015 @ 1:49 pm
Don’t be sad! I’m sure there are some even better and MUCH cheaper urns just WAITING for you somewhere, sometime on Craigslist. (now why do I feel like breaking into the song from An American Tale? “Somewhere out there, beneath the pale moonlight….”)
JC
February 4, 2015 @ 12:07 am
Oh man, I FEEL YOUR PAIN. I was also at an auction (Jan 31st) and lost a bid on the only item I really wanted: a stunning antique French longcase clock. It went for more than what I could reasonably afford (because I’m poor – and I can probably find another one cheaper). If you’re curious to see photos, it’s my most recent blog entry (Feb 1st).
Lisa
February 6, 2015 @ 1:59 pm
This reminds me of you – that American Signature Furniture commercial, “It’s pronounced CHAISE” (www.youtube.com/watch?v=hscFC7istC0)
Just wanted to share – love your posts 🙂