Beach houses, the zenith of ignorance, and the utter futility of human existence.
My parents are trying to move.
They would like to go to a beach town, but since they are both (retired) public school teachers, their housing options in a nice seaside area are limited to living in a box behind a gas station, or a tiny old shack from 1860.
Any NORMAL person could get excited over ONE of those options… but it has been revealed to me that I was born to people who do not understand that comfort is secondary to visual appeal and historic detail.
Fools.
Despite my VERY BEST EFFORTS, they are probably going to end up in some visual-atrocity from 1980 and I am embarrassed to publicly associate myself with such aesthetic barbarians.
They keep saying things like: but Victoria! The house you like has no roof! The house you like has no floor! The house you like has no heat!
How can I even be expected to TALK to people like that?
JUST WEAR A LOT OF LAYERS!
Duh, idiots!
Nearly every weekend for an eternity, Paul and I have been driving to different shore towns to tour an endless parade of houses which everyone ELSE is considering, that I am NOT considering… interspersed with houses I have DEMANDED be considered, that NO ONE ACTUALLY CONSIDERS.
I can only imagine this is how Eratosthenes felt whilst trying to convince the Ancient Greeks that the world was not flat.
LISTEN TO ME! Imbeciles!
LOOK AT THAT SINK! The vintage cabinets! WHO DOES NOT SEE THE MAGNIFICENCE OF THIS? Why is my mother resisting the perfection? WHY???????
Incase you have not experienced house shopping with your parents, let me tell you that there is NOTHING like driving slowly up and down streets, trapped in a car with the people who are MOST LIKE YOURSELF and yet UTTERLY INTOLERABLE to make you consider the possibility that maybe it is not too late to put yourself up for adoption.
Every Saturday, I promise myself that I will not regress to irritable teenager who cannot believe the stupidity she is forced to endure… then as soon as we get in the car, I’m like– NOPE! Go right ahead.
Everyone immediately begins being their most perfect irritating selves… no reason to pretend otherwise for even five seconds.
After nine hours of looking at houses in their price range; covering the spectrum from hideous, to grotesque, to AMAZING-PERFECTION-LACKING-ONLY-PLUMBING-AND-ELECTRICITY… I am reliably foaming at the mouth with repressed childhood rage and the wish to inject myself with pure meth.
Last weekend was particularly bad, and Paul could see that I was on the edge of a psychotic break… he said— do you want me to shoot you with the dart gun?
Other than that though, we are all really enjoying ourselves!
My brothers have been missing out on all the car-party festivities, so I give them live-action updates.
I want to be sure that they understand that they are forever indebted to my selflessness in being the ONLY CHILD who cares enough to live nearby.
And also demonstrate to them the specifics of HOW MOM AND DAD ARE DRIVING ME INSANE.
Anyway, my point is that my parents have the WORST priorities of anyone I’ve ever met and it’s not gotten any better with this house-shopping because they keep spouting crazy nonsense about needing a bedroom for all of the children.
Who cares if my brothers have to sleep in the shed when they come to visit?
I mean, how do we even know that they wouldn’t PREFER it!?
LIKE A GUEST HOUSE!
Private!
Special!
Rustic!
Airy!
Now.
A seamless transition to the futility of human existence.
The real problem with whatever house my parents buy, is that it’s where they will spend their last years.
I have been planning to fix this… through advancements in science? Magic? The mental-denial-olympics I have perfected?
Unfortunately, I’m starting to question the efficacy of any of these strategies.
The one person I am MOST TERRIFIED of losing is my mom. (Actually, she is tied with Paul, but that totally invalidates this thesis I am building here, and theoretically you CAN get a new husband, but you cannot get a replacement mom.)
My mother would quite literally move the pyramids, one stone at a time, (all alone, without complaint) if her children needed her to.
That’s not a metaphor. If it needed to happen, she would do it.
I love my father as much as I love my mom. But us kid’s relationship with him is different; he is not the person we depend on.
Example:
1. My father would bail us out of jail, but the disapproving silence on the drive home would be deafening.
2. My mother would help us hide the body, and then she would make us snacks.
OK! NOW THIS POST IS OVER!
I had intended to have some kind of reassuring conclusion… but I am very busy and important and will have to finish tackling the human condition another time.
I have to go put the final touches on my GFP (Giant Fancy Presentation)… the flaming baton twirling is coming along nicely! It’s way easier than it looks! But the high kicks are still giving me some trouble with my impractical choice of footwear.
Can’t wait to meet some of you! BUT DO NOT TRY TO BUY ANYTHING I AM INTERESTED IN.
See you Sunday!
XOXO, VEB
LET ME HELP YOU WASTE MORE TIME!
read my other favorite post: THE KINGDOM MIRROR.
OR
May 31, 2017 @ 11:48 am
Yes the sink is to die for and orange is definitely a bonus. Ah but the horror has a art deco look that I also find appealing! Thank you for making me laugh today.
May 31, 2017 @ 11:48 am
That sink! That orange! My mom’s kitchen of the 70’s! Complete with ‘wrought iron’ hardware. Somehow I was blessed with a very adventuresome mother and a father who figured out early on that if she wanted orange cabinets his only question would be ‘how much paint do you think you need?’ I know it is a shock to your system when the family you spring from exhibits such strange proclivities as looking for some blah bland box but perhaps they are doing this to save those ‘special’ homes for the likes of us who see the bones of a good place. (Somehow trying to rationalize this aberration)
May 31, 2017 @ 11:48 am
The original moulding will keep you warm, love it! Cherish these moments with them because it’s gone too soon.
May 31, 2017 @ 11:55 am
I love this post and especially love your description of your mother helping you hide the body and then making snacks. I was lucky enough to have a mother like that, too – and I miss her terribly. Please give your mother a huge hug and a kiss from me and tell her she is indeed the most perfect human being on earth.
May 31, 2017 @ 12:00 pm
Thanks girl! I needed you today! Keep it coming!
May 31, 2017 @ 12:03 pm
Myself, being that older parent, and having spent years researching from Dark Harbor, ME to Key West and the Caribbean, recommends Amelia Island. The “First Coast of Florida”, aka “Baja Georgia”, offers exceptional healthcare at Baptist (ask me how I know), with a Mayo Clinic in JAX should the need arise. International airport is just half an hour away. Atlantic beach combing and Intracoastal river minutes away on a 2 x 13 mile island offering everything anyone could want: historic downtown, deep shopping, wonderful restaurants, Old Town, Florida’s oldest saloon, a municipal airport, marinas galore, The Ritz, the Omni Plantation. Southern charm (we don’t hide crazy, we parade it on the porch and give it a drink) and friendliness with a redneck twist, and sufficient retired Navy to paint the town red, white and blue. Check out the demographics: Zone 9-A gardening, median age/income 51/$98K, 22 registered sex offenders (whoops!), low population density, etc.. Aerial tours on YouTube.
May 31, 2017 @ 12:12 pm
That sink is the exact reason my husband and I now live in North Adams, MA. I saw a real estate photo of one with built in glass paned cabinets and off we went to look at the $29,000 house. Truly. (You know that problem you have with GFTs? I have it with cast iron sinks. My poor husband’s back!) We ended up buying a $55,000 Victorian which we “fixed up” and now live in. If the Berkshire Mountains and art and culture plus ridiculously cheap Victorian houses are of any interest to your folks, North Adams is the place to be. PS That conversation with your parents? That’s me and my husband, Paul. This is why I still have a job instead of retiring.
May 31, 2017 @ 12:24 pm
I just want to encourage your wearing of fancy shoes while you twirl. Costumes are everything in flaming baton twirling.
May 31, 2017 @ 12:32 pm
I SO needed to laugh today. Thank you
May 31, 2017 @ 12:40 pm
As a retired person with limited funds, I can sympathize with your parents. Old homes ( in our eyes ) mean nothing but money loss on a daily basis. They have lived through that by raising you kids and saving for these years ahead. While it is fabulous to think of restoring a run down hidden gem, the stress level required for that may put them in an early grave. ( My husband had a heart attack two weeks after we closed on our former newly built home! Not a fun time, but he did survive. ) I can only imagine how reconstruction would affect them! So go easy on them if they don’t see your visions – or volunteer to make that orange kitchen, and the rest of the abode all it can be FOR them. You ready to take on THAT project? My suggestion – a villa or condo – less upkeep and usually close to medical assistance if needed!!!
But I do bless you for trying to help them, and your brothers owe you BIG TIME! 😉
May 31, 2017 @ 1:06 pm
Love the orange kitchen, love THAT sink, had it redone in my brain already!! White cabinets, new stove and fridge, rip off the curtains for one on the bottom for privacy, bright white trim, color of the ocean walls, change hardware, etc, etc.
Sorry, I digressed. …love the post!
May 31, 2017 @ 1:53 pm
The orange kitchen?
I would buy the house just for the sink. I am serious.
And this…
Example:
1. My father would bail us out of jail, but the disapproving silence on the drive home would be deafening.
2. My mother would help us hide the body, and then she would make us snacks.
…caused me to BURST out laughing.
May 31, 2017 @ 2:07 pm
SIMPLE Solution come to South Walton county in Florida. Affordable, new and built to resemble turn of century cottages. See listings at rosemarybeach.com
BONUS: lots of cool antique shopping nearby. You wouldn’t believe how inexpensive it is here. (Compared with the east coast) AND no pesky snow. Year round beach living.
May 31, 2017 @ 2:14 pm
The best yet. Thank you!
May 31, 2017 @ 2:21 pm
I am in a vaguely similar situation. My parents are planning to move into my grandparent’s unoccupied house. This will ensure that 1)their home will be uglier 2)each child+spouse, and aunt/uncle will have their own room (despite the fact that none of us live in the same state). There is only so much screaming into the darkness that I can handle. I feel your pain.
May 31, 2017 @ 3:24 pm
I’m not sure if I’m relieved or disappointed that your parents have the same repetitive conversations that mine do. Peace be with us all!
May 31, 2017 @ 3:44 pm
Love that sink! I laughed through the whole post and still shaking my head at how outrageously funny you are. When do we see more on the kitchen renovation? Is it done yet? 😳
May 31, 2017 @ 3:46 pm
That is what I was thinking too. If I had an american pension I would retire somewhere in Latin America. Warmer and cheaper. I have always lived in Brazil but I don’t recommend it for american retirees. Almost nobody speaks English, the paperwork is a nightmare and money transfers are heavily taxed.
May 31, 2017 @ 4:29 pm
You never fail to crack me up. Wish I could meet you at NY but then I wouldn’t be married anymore after the money/hoarding spree that is inevitable. They should have an AA for flea markets. Anyway just wanted to mention that I have a summer house in the best beach town in NJ (it was actually top of this years good housekeeping best beach towns) Ocean Grove, NJ. It has the most victorian houses than any other town, beautiful beach, great small town charm with old main street with soda shops! Great prices too (although they are on their way up). Normally I try to keep it a secret but you sound desperate. Plus, I’d get to meet (stalk) you when you and Paul come to visit 🙂
May 31, 2017 @ 4:33 pm
I do have to admit the molding on that window was awesome. And, the farmhouse sink was how wide? AWEsome house all in all.