Spark Joy OR GET OUT.
this is part two of my de-crap-a-thon…
if you missed part one, it’s here.
part three is here.
First: let us be incredibly clear that I will always be a hoarder of enormous magnificence… ALWAYS.
I am getting rid of CRAP, not my precious… I am absolutely able to tell the difference; it’s just that I thought I HAD to keep the crap.
Of course, most of my things are not actually crap— the stuff that was good, I donated.
Did I think about having a yard sale/estate sale?
CERTAINLY.
Did I think about selling it all piecemeal on eBay even though that is LITERALLY THE VERY WORST THING I CAN IMAGINE AND THE VERY LAST WAY I WANT TO SPEND ANY OF MY EXISTENCE?
Obviously.
MORE than think about it, I felt I MUST… because I am RESPONSIBLE! These are MY THINGS; I am REQUIRED to dispose of them PROPERLY!
But at some point, all of THE STUFF became so deeply overwhelming that I realized how violently I did not want to deal with it.
The idea of forcing myself to undertake a massively stressful endeavor… to FLOG MYSELF to continue wading through this SWAMP OF CRAP. For literally no reason other than GUILT OVER LEMON SQUEEZERS.*
I finally saw: that is LITERALLY insane.
I finally saw: I am not REQUIRED to torture myself with DISHES.
You can CHOOSE to be DONE with irrelevant noise.
Stress is for IMPORTANT things.
I cannot express how astonishing this is.
WHY DID NO ONE TELL ME?
*Paul once brought me a box of vintage juicers because he enables my hoarding if it is free.
I see now, this is why Marie Kondo wants you to pile— to help your brain get to a place where you consider the simple option of CHOOSING YOUR OWN SANITY, over decades-old-crap to which you have some weird attachment and unspecified guilt.
I did not do it the way she suggests – which is to make a GIANT MESS… But after trying it my way, I see the wisdom of hers; because the more I went through, the more I saw was unwanted. And the more I saw was unwanted, the more I understood that I have not been keeping this stuff because I LOVE it… I am keeping it out of FEAR: fear of regret, fear of making a mistake.
But! Even though I SEE this, I still have a deranged attachment to clothing, circa 2004, that I will not ever wear again but cannot detach from because WHAT IF I NEED THESE SHOES I WOULD FEEL REALLY BAD AND MAD THAT I GOT RID OF THEM SO I SHOULD JUST KEEP THEM FOREVER EVEN THOUGH THEY ARE TACKY.
So.
As MUCH as I do NOT want to pile, I WANT THE NEXT BRAIN PLACE… I want to be DONE with unwanted clutter— >I am not REQUIRED to store guilt and discomfort in my home.
So.
I think I’m going to have to pile.
However, the time to empty all of your closets is not when your partner‘s mother is receiving hospice… an awkward preamble to share with you that Paul’s mother passed… Parkinson’s.
Her decline began four years ago… The last two have been really hard. The last one, frightening. Paul has shouldered an enormous burden— he has been on-call for four years; it is a stratospheric undertaking to be the caregiver.
Watching Paul usher his mother towards death was harrowing, but revelatory. I am in awe of him… he is a human unlike any other. Paul SHOWS UP. And WORKS. Until there is NO MORE WORK… Love is what you DO; words are meaningless.
How is Paul?
He’s doing okay.
He takes a lot of comfort in the time he spent with his mom; especially at the end— he lived there while she was getting hospice… I do not THINK he is going to have a nervous breakdown, but if he does that is fine.
So… that is where we are– re-acclimating to our life. Last night, Paul put up the hammock and we just hung out. He didn’t have to go zoom around in his cape of competence. Mister Cat joined us for the three seconds it took him to determine he does NOT like the earth swinging around under him.
Then we watched Free Solo… which I beyond loved— obsessive. intense. completely ununderstandable to anyone but himself… and actually, this is my last blog post because scratch what I said about Paul, I am going to go live in a van with some mountain dudes.
SEE ALL MY FAVORITE CRAIGSLIST FINDS
SEE ALL MY KITCHEN POSTS
March 21, 2019 @ 1:29 pm
Sorry, but at nearly 65, with a terrible memory, the little bits of memory attached to the “things” I keep – the softness of a piece of fabric associated with a baby, or my mother – anything with the mingled scent of cigarettes and her perfume – my father’s old worn tools – my children’s art projects and drawings – well, they are my life. I can’t just snap a photo to jog memories. I need something tangible to see, feel, smell. Kondo is wrong.
PS Paul is a champ and this sadness will deepen your already ridiculously divine love. You’ll see.
March 21, 2019 @ 1:48 pm
Deep breaths as you both let go of the unimportant and savor the real and meaningful in your lives. The caregiving is a precious gift and how wonderful that Paul was able and so very willing. Your folded scarves look very, very good in their donation box.
March 21, 2019 @ 1:51 pm
We’ll be here when you realize a van in the mountains doesn’t really have enough space for a tribe of kittens. Or a disco ball. Or a giant fancy mirror.
Don’t let anyone guilt you into keeping all the vintage juicers. I gave all of mine away… except the cool squeezer I got in Mexico. I can use it to make caipirinhas.
March 21, 2019 @ 2:05 pm
My condolences to Paul and you.
Please tell me that this is not really your last post.
Your blog sparks joy. I cant’t do without it.
March 21, 2019 @ 3:34 pm
My mother gives me my grandmother’s stuff. Sometimes I keep it, sometimes I don’t. If I keep it, it’s because I can use it. She keeps her stuff in bureaus–she has a dozen of them throughout the house, filled with stuff she can never see. She says she cannot use it/donate it because it reminds her of my grandmother. I am pretty sure I hear my grandmother someplace telling me that she was a pretty poor grandmother if I needed a table cloth to remember her by.
March 21, 2019 @ 3:36 pm
I cried when I read of Paul’s Mom passing for his loss.
His skills,especially dancing are beyond impressive and while you are the author,wit and genius of this blog I always wonder what he’s up to. As a 78 year old female with a bedridden 82 year old Husband-Alzheimer’s,incontinent and lost his ability to walk- I am amazed how one just accepts the reality of aging and gets on with living. We will be married 60 years this November and we are happy. He still laughs at my crazy antics, I make faces,jokes, singing-criminal-dancing even worse etc. Just to offer- the sadness of death is the grief of the living-I personally am looking forward to eternal rest because his care plus being an insomniac- I am exhausted. So if it is not rude and presumptuous of me to offer- I have found that the end may seem totally tragic to loved ones, it can be an end to the tangles and tribulations of life and bring” that peace that passeth all understanding.”
Please give us all a glimpse of the kitchens progress if you are taking a break from blogging no matter how unfinished-it deserves its’ grand finale.
March 21, 2019 @ 3:52 pm
A hard journey, but you will never regret being a caregiver and spending time. Hoping Paul can carry great memories of his mom in his heart.
March 21, 2019 @ 4:48 pm
Once again, your man Paul has proven to me that I should have kept looking instead of settling. Paul, you are an amazing man, and I’m sure your Mother felt blessed that she raised such a fine human. My sympathies to all the family for their loss. As for Kondo – I have not jumped on that bandwagon, but I do try to regularly eliminate the things that frustrate me just to look at them or dust them! I can remember years ago, parting with four pairs of perfectly good Levis, after having not worn them in over 5 years due to weight gains. Of course about 6 months later, I had lost the weight, and cursed myself for now having to spend money on the same style I had given away! I am convinced those jeans went to some foreign country where they were sold at inflated prices! UGH! AND ….have we been introduced to Mister Cat and I somehow missed that? Very handsome! Please don’t go live in a Van, Paul needs you and you need him! Not to mention the rescue kitties!
March 21, 2019 @ 6:36 pm
Please watch The Dawn Wall, too. So inspirational. Paul will love it.
March 21, 2019 @ 8:47 pm
Noooo!! You can’t leave us now! And surely you can’t leave the kitchen! Or the kittens! Or Paul 🙁 Mountain Men are unkept – even the cute ones – ok, maybe they are not – but Paul is divine! #1 husband material! A keeper! Maybe the two of you should get a kitty sitter, rent a travel trailer and take a road trip – NO Craig’s List, just each other 😉
May peace and healing find you both quickly. xo
March 21, 2019 @ 10:28 pm
Your Paul is wonderful. My mother died last year (at 95) and it’s a process we’re still going through. She was a great fan of Paul’s — I used to print out the complete post, with pictures, for her when he did something I thought she’d especially enjoy. But you might tell him that somewhere between six weeks and six months from now, his body will suddenly decide to tell him it has had enough rest after the stress of the last years, and is now Feeling Better and More Energetic. This is just physical accommodation to change, and doesn’t mean he no longer loves and misses her. The love of a good cat also helps.
March 21, 2019 @ 10:53 pm
Paul really is Superman, isn’t he? I hope he can take some time for himself, and find some peace and comfort. My deepest sympathies to you both.
March 21, 2019 @ 11:43 pm
Your Paul is wonderful. My mother died last year (at 95) and it’s a process we’re still going through. She was a great fan of Paul’s — I used to print out the complete post, with pictures, for her when he did something I thought she’d especially enjoy. But you might tell him that somewhere between six weeks and six months from now, his body will suddenly decide to tell him it has had enough rest after the stress of the last years, and is now Feeling Better and More Energetic. This is just physical accommodation to change, and doesn’t mean he no longer loves and misses her. The love of a good cat also helps.
And I think you should try on your 2004 shoes before deciding whether to keep them or to let someone else love them. Possibly they are no longer comfortable for dining and dancing but you can’t bear to part with them — in which case, reserve them for drinking champagne on suitable occasions.
March 22, 2019 @ 12:05 pm
I feel this on a deeply personal level. I completed it and got rid of about 250 lbs of clothes. It was horrible, and terrible, and freeing. You got this!
March 22, 2019 @ 12:06 pm
My sympathies to Paul, and to you. I found it to be quite the blessing to care for my 89 year old mother with Alzheimers during the last year of her life, after my dad passed away at 88. Dont gt me wrong, Adult day care saved my sanity, but that last year was a gift. She passed 5 days after her 90th birthday. It’s an adjustment when you finally have time to just breathe.
I am slowly de-crapifying too. Some of Marie’s methods, some of my own. I find it easier to just pitch stuff without even bothering to look at it. BUT what do I do with 44 years of Valentines, Birthday, and Anniversary cards from my sweetheart? Maybe those are a look, remember, and pitch…….
Am Vets picks stuff up, so you dont even have to load it your car and take anywhere!
March 23, 2019 @ 9:00 am
Love moves thoughts into action. That’s what I’ve been hearing a lot lately so I appreciate your reinforcing that statement. Paul is one great guy. I’ve had to experience both of my parents dying and it’s never easy but sometimes it’s a relief, especially if you’re dealing with an Alzheimer’s situation like with my dad. It’s all about quality of life. Take time to heal.
On a side note, I never knew how awesome hammocks were until I tried it. Best thing ever! I could hang out in one all day.
I totally am on the same page with saying no to garage sales and eBay. I love shopping them but I’d rather have a root canal than do one. They’re just another stress to add to the stress of having too much stuff! My thought process about Marie’s method is the same as yours. I just have to figure out when to go full on Kondo!
Lastly, I think some didn’t get the joke that this is your last blog post if you’re leaving to live in a van with mountain dudes. Maybe Paul can take it up as a hobby in his spare time. Love Paul. Take care of each other.
March 23, 2019 @ 9:02 am
Love moves thoughts into action. That’s what I’ve been hearing a lot lately so I appreciate your reinforcing that statement. Paul is one great guy. I’ve had to experience both of my parents dying and it’s never easy but sometimes it’s a relief, especially if you’re dealing with an Alzheimer’s situation like with my dad. It’s all about quality of life. Take time to heal.
On a side note, I never knew how awesome hammocks were until I tried it. Best thing ever! I could hang out in one all day.
I totally am on the same page with saying no to garage sales and eBay. I love shopping them but I’d rather have a root canal than do one. They’re just another stress to add to the stress of having too much stuff! My thought process about Marie’s method is the same as yours. I just have to figure out when to go full on Kondo!
Lastly, I think some didn’t get the joke that this is your last blog post if you leave to live in a van with mountain dudes. Maybe Paul can take it up as a hobby in his spare time.
Take care of each other.
March 23, 2019 @ 11:09 am
Dear sweet funny Victoria,
My heart is hurting you both. Paul is such a wonder and you for supporting him.
I love your blog with all its creativity.
Take time to heal and be with precious Paul.
Smiles, alice
March 23, 2019 @ 7:22 pm
I’m so sorry to hear of Paul’s mother’s death. He sounds like an amazing son, an amazing man.
One thing you wrote this post was “I am keeping it out of FEAR: fear of regret, fear of making a mistake.” That is my problem 1000%. Once, probably 20 years ago, I thought of donating a blazer I never liked, but wore it to work once and everyone raved over it. I’ve kept it for the last 20 years, wearing it almost daily. (Exaggeration, but you understand.) Everything I look at now is a “But what if this is another hideous pink blazer that is actually not hideous?” Do I really need 7 versions of a black cardigan? Or the dress I haven’t been able to fit in for 10 years? Or a sweater that my daughter gave me for Christmas (5 years ago) that I wore on Christmas but never again? Don’t answer those questions. I know what Marie would say.
March 24, 2019 @ 5:35 pm
So sorry for the loss of your loved one! You are definitely in the process of letting go and…letting go! Wishes for healing comfort for you, Paul and all of your family! ~Blessings!