A totally unscientific explanation for impulse purchases.
This is a departure from anything remotely house, garden, or craigslist-related.
I’m sorry if this disappoints you.
But:
- This is my blog.
- It was this, or nothing.
- I was afraid to choose nothing, since I live in perpetual fear that you will forget about me and move on to someone younger with better giveaways.
- I apologize for the annoying filters I used on the photos. It’s one of those things where you think a trend is incredibly stupid, but then see so much of it that it becomes weirdly appealing.
This transition from grotesque-trend-that-should-be-banned, to mysterious-overnight-need-for-exact-repulsive-trend-purchase has not yet clad me in skinny jeans or peplum, and I am thankful for that.
So. We’ve established that I love anything giant, odd, fancy, and generally too large to fit in my house–an aesthetic that used to apply to my fashion sense too.
But in the last five years, my vanity has been eroded by my laziness.
This decline in giving-a-shit-about-how-I-look is a huge timesaver, but also accompanied by the sad consequence of technically not needing to buy fancy outfits.
Because:
- I will not wear them.
- It is a well-known fact that elastic-waist pants and flip-flops are superior to every other form of attire.
- I would rather save the money for whatever massively awesome, useless piece of salvage the universe has in store for me.
But once in a while I see something.
And my raccoon brain is like—I MUST HAVE THAT.
Even though I KNOW it’s a ridiculous purchase… Even though I KNOW I’ll only wear it four times… Even though I KNOW I’ll find it restrictive and itchy and clanky… It doesn’t matter. Because the raccoon gets all rabid and is like, I will BITE you, if you don’t buy me that.
If you too suffer from Raccoon-In-Head syndrome, you are familiar with this.
It was a ridiculous price. But I COULD NOT leave without it.
Plus, it was embarrassing to try to hug it through the glass.
So I bought it.
If I told you how much it was, you would think I was insane. But as of this post, it’s sold out so let’s pretend it was a normal price.
By the time I was halfway home, I realized that I could make my own version with the box of vintage pins I hoard uselessly… who wears pins? No one. So after I bought this chain, I had everything I needed to make my own, way-less-awesome necklace.
I’d like to say that I’m returning the one I bought… but the raccoon is still licking it. Plus, lets be serious— it’s called an impulse purchase, because your impulse is to keep it.
Also, in this case it was called– overwhelmed/trying to buy 5 seconds of stress-relief/Versailles was not for sale.
I had SUCH a crap day last week, that I felt close to the brink.
The brink of what? I don’t know. Whatever that is when you feel overwhelmed and close to crying hysterically/tearing your hair out.
But ALSO LIKE YOU ARE ON FIRE WITH RAGE.
And the necklace was some knee-jerk reaction to just BUY five seconds of OTHERNESS.
To just think about something else.
Even though I could go LOOK IN MY CLOSET at all the otherness I’ve ALREADY purchased. And be reminded that it’s only a brief respite…
Although, if you’re going to be on fire with rage, I guess you might as well be wearing a really nice necklace.
Also, I need to tell you how there was a time when I thought this blog was going to garner me a nice side-paycheck AND free swag.
Which? Hello? WHO IS STEALING MY SWAG?
But now I feel differently. I feel this is a revolution.
A redefining of militant—to include shiny things and abolish khaki and berets.
But also a very anxiety-riddled revolution. Where I worry that I will disappoint you. Where I worry that you will tire of me. Where I worry about the responsibility of coming up with new and entertaining things EVERY WEEK.
And where I envy the revolutionaries who came before social media… I doubt Karl Marx woke his husband in the middle of the night to tell him his greatest fear—that he would never get 100,000 “likes” on Facebook.
I will love you EVEN MORE… if you share me with your friends.
July 23, 2013 @ 6:55 pm
My Dad is retired and makes some fabulous oversize sterling silver jewelry. Mostly using natural stones like turquoise. I’m not sure if that fits your style but I can send you a few pieces if you like. Would be happy to help you cross “free stuff via the blog” off your list. I am nothing if not an enabler. You can contact via the email I’ve listed.
July 23, 2013 @ 7:03 pm
There is no way that I will abandon your blog. So you can just forget about that ever happening.
July 23, 2013 @ 7:06 pm
You TOTALLY need to live in Versailles. If you ever get tired of squeezing incredibly large sparkly-arkly things into your beautiful Victorian home, that is. Pro: all the sparkly-arkly stuff is already in there – no squeezing required. Con: long commute given Versailles is, you know, in France.
July 23, 2013 @ 7:18 pm
So related to this post! From the raccoon that I can’t shut up – to the preference to use my money to purchase finds to elastic pants and flip flops. Make up…can we talk about make up? There was a day I couldn’t imagine leaving the house without it to now feeling like “I have to put in on AND take it off!” Ugh.
It is not so much that your posts fit a certain topic you think you should stick to…it is your voice that keeps me engaged. It is HOW you tell your story that keeps me reading. I’m pretty sure you could write a post about something like watching grass grow and I would laugh and relate and love it. It is how you say it. It is your honesty and humor and my ability to see myself in you that keeps me and many others coming back for more. Just keep being you and believe that is enough. It is girl. It is.
July 23, 2013 @ 7:53 pm
Please just keep writing – about anything at all! I love reading your posts, they are hilarious!
July 23, 2013 @ 8:10 pm
1. I love your necklace better.
2. I love your cat, Elvis. He looks like my cat, Tuxedo (Original, yes?)
3. Your blog is a mood lifter. I may prescribe it to my clients even though it may put me out of a job and I won’t be able to buy any sparkly things for myself.
November 13, 2014 @ 4:25 am
Hi, Gretchen. Just wanted to let you know that Elvis is a she. Confusing, yes. Amusing, yes. SO VEBish!
July 23, 2013 @ 8:14 pm
The only thing that sucks about discovering your blog is that I know how my upcoming weekend is going to be spent…catching up from the beginning. Lordy girl, you have a gift.
July 23, 2013 @ 8:21 pm
Two observations:
1. You have a lovely neck (assuming that’s yours) for jewelry.
2. Elvis is your best accessory. But I like the necklace idea, too!
July 25, 2013 @ 10:46 am
Elvis IS the best accessory. I tried to get her to model the necklace, but she was having none of it.
July 25, 2013 @ 11:41 am
The only way for my kitty, Tequila, to wear ‘sparkle’, is to have sequins spread about for her to roll in. On that note, I am a seamstress specializing in prom and bridal-so I actually DO have sequins strewn about on a rather regular basis, and Tequila wanders about frequently ‘bedazzled’……
July 23, 2013 @ 8:39 pm
Wow….I thought I was the only one who had a raccoon….Great post!
July 25, 2013 @ 10:58 pm
Now I want to be-sparkle my kitties! They’re boys, do you think they’ll mind?
July 23, 2013 @ 9:21 pm
Ok…so now I’m jealous. I DONT have a cute little raccoooon in my head? wth? I don’t even have a screaming magpie (insert pout). I just have a voice in my head that tells me to g o b a c k, don’t walk away, you can sell something else to make room for this new thing…believe me the force it is strong with this young Jedi Padawan. It is always looking to ensnare as many shiny sparkly baubles as it can find (notice I didn’t say as many as it can handle, cause really?) … =)
Aloma
http://sweetaloma.wordpress.com/
July 23, 2013 @ 10:39 pm
Could not believe my eyes when I began to read your post. Just this very day, I was out and about in my local very, very touristy town with my best friend. After a phone call which inflamed me, the raccoon took over and opened my checking account wide for the jeweler! I now have a fabulous new necklace for which I paid way too much. It is not your fab vintage brooch necklace but at least we have raccoons in common.
July 23, 2013 @ 11:50 pm
I still want to be your best friend…except you are tall and thin and I make it a policy never to have friends taller and thinner than me.
July 24, 2013 @ 12:04 am
I totally hear you. Last year I impulsively paid $74 for a long “pearl” necklace with a vintage key hanging on it, totally forgetting that I have like a bazillion of each which I’ve never paid more than $3 for. As penance, I wear it every week.
July 24, 2013 @ 12:11 am
Victoria:
Thank you!
You should know that:
A) You inspire me with every post (I just discovered you about three weeks ago) to write more on my own blog/site.
B) Your words make me LOLwTiME (This is not your usual LOL at-the-end-of-every-sentence LOL, but Laugh Out Loud with Tears in My Eyes)!
C) I’ve already turned a few more people onto you/your blog.
D) I’m sure you will never fail to disappoint. You could recite the contents of your freezer, or junk drawer, or name all of your shower curtain rings, and you’d have me in stitches.
E) I try to simply glance at your posts, but each sentence draws me further through, and before I know it, I’m at the end, smiling and happy that I’ve read another story that connects our humility with your own special joy!
THANKS! Some day we’ll meet. Somehow. Some way. I just know it!
oxox!
-b.
July 24, 2013 @ 12:31 am
I know all about the feline brain but had never considered the raccoon brain until today. I learned something new. 🙂
July 24, 2013 @ 1:09 am
So when are you opening your very own Etsy store? It might be time to add something new to your plate. *insert maniacal laughter here*
July 24, 2013 @ 1:46 am
Ah refreshing!
Keep writing! I’ll keep reading!
LOVE the pep you give back to my step!
July 24, 2013 @ 5:41 am
Your comments really cheered up my day. I actually think that the necklace that you did was SO much better than the one that you bought. WELL DONE!!!`~~~
MARY
July 24, 2013 @ 7:44 am
Dear Ms V.,
If you only know how you brightened a day, and made this raccoon howl with glee, you would never again suffer from anxiety about not enough LIKES. The whole day perks up nicely the moment I see Victoria Elizabeth Barnes has arrived at my In Box.
So as long as you keep writing them, I will keep reading them, and sharing them too!
ta,
Kathlene
July 24, 2013 @ 8:09 am
Okay, I *really* like the necklace you made. When I saw it I was all like, *Oooh!! Sparkly!* because I LOVE a nice chunky, blingy necklace, but when I saw the BR necklace I said, out loud, “Holy shit!”It makes me sad face that it’s not on the website anymore. And dang, I was just at the mall!