This post is sponsored by American Express Personal Loans.
Because sometimes you need money.
And by you, I mean I.
And by money, I mean GFT’s*
*Giant Fancy Things
I assume American Express thought I’d write about the possibility of using a Personal Loan for an important home remodel project… say… a kitchen? A place where a homeowner might enjoy something in the vein of… a… not-plywood floor?
But I was like— how do you feel about urn loans?
And they said— sure… if you’re an existing eligible consumer American Express Card Member, you can use a Personal Loan for lots of things.
And I was like— INTERESTING.
Because you know what’s funny?
I FOUND ANOTHER OF THE EXACT SAME URNS.
Do you know what the statistical probability of such a thing is?
Fortunately, Self is in total harmony with the universe’s eternal question:
why have one, if one can have all?
Here I am— to tell existing eligible American Express Card Members how their Personal Loans might help you live your life to the fullest.
Obviously, I would not even survive one day of living my life to the fullest, because if you cover your entire body in 5 thousand tons of kittens, probably that will kill you.
But if you just need money for normal house stuff or oddly-proportioned urns-of-enormity… they might be able to help. If you’re an existing eligible consumer American Express Card Member, American Express Personal Loans may be a good place to start.
There was no question of me not buying these.
They SPOKE to me.
The proportions are…
Something with the handles is just…
The only sensible explanation is that I myself created them in my previous life when I was an iron smelter.
Here is some video from the auction… you can see that contrary to popular belief, I do rein Self in.
I planned to flank the garage… but as I pulled into the driveway, Self noted that placing them on the front porch would make everything else look horribly disproportionate and mismatched and not at all “right.”
Now everything else is wrong.
Self is pleased.