Auctions– because you can never have too many giant, antique, fancy pieces of junk.
After The Kingdom Mirror went viral, Paul said things like – are you going to leave me for some guy who loves antiques that you meet on the internet?
I said – of course not. Unless he loves cats. Then, maybe.
This was because I’d gotten some emails in the vein of: you are an amazing, glorious, goddess of perfection and giant fancy things, whom I worship and would acquire mirrors for all day long.
And I sort of thought– gosh. Wow. I DO love Paul… but maybe I would love someone else even more? Someone who WANTS to do mirror-retrieval? I mean, for all I know Jon Hamm really likes antiques. And cats.
So I started to wonder – have I inadvertently limited my life’s work by tethering myself to Paul? By choosing someone who is capable of mirror-retrieval, but not enthusiastic for it?
Have I made a terrible mistake?
And now I can say – it looks that way. Because it seems that Paul has forgotten how I am a special mirror goddess, entrusted to him.
He has forgotten that I am to be cared for with utmost devotion.
He has forgotten that my every whim should be met with parades and cheering.
He has forgotten that I might leave him for Jon Hamm.
I know he has forgotten this, because when we saw an Elvis-cat-sized mini-kingdom at the auction preview, he did NOT say – oh my God, we MUST get that.
Instead, he walked right by it without acknowledging the stupendousness of our good fortune.
I had to whisper-shout at him to get his attention. I gestured rabidly with my head and performed the well-known mime/celebratory dance: look-what-I-found-oh-treasure-of-mine, while The Mirror Troll marched around playing the trombone and flinging confetti.
Paul backed up and looked at it for a minute. He said – you want this?
I looked at him cross eyed. Because, what?
Paul said – what do you want to pay for this?
But this is a trick question. What Paul means is: no matter what figure you name, I will look aghast and crush your dreams.
So I said – $1,000… because two can play that game.
Plus, it took me no time at all to learn that Paul wants to pay $5 for everything, so I need to start high for him to feel like he has reined me in.
Paul gave me the look that says – I think you are joking. But also, I am afraid you may not be joking.
He said – this is a piece of junk… look at here, and here, and here… It is missing this, and this, and this.
I said – I see that. And I do not care. And I suspect you know this and are just taunting me. Besides, if I really wanted to I could make a latex mold to repair the missing fancy bits.
Paul said – sure. That would work. Will you complete that project in my lifetime?
I said – no. However. AS YOU CAN SEE. This is a mini Kingdom Mirror. FOR ELVIS. Therefore, we cannot be hampered in our acquisition.
Paul said – $20. Otherwise, no.
I said – oh, I am sorry. The suggestion department is closed. Be ready to get up early tomorrow.
The next morning as we were driving to the auction, Paul said to me – if you are the first bidder, you will need to find another ride home because I will disown you.
This is because Paul thinks I am unpredictable and jumpy and not fully cognizant of what is going on and likely to bid haphazardly without waiting for the auctioneer to lower the price.
I just nodded and smiled at him to allow him the illusion of control he so clearly needs to cling to. But in my head I calculated how long it would take me to walk home.
I paid $65 and I am happy to say that I was not the first bidder, so I got to ride home in the car.
However, I made the mistake of asking Paul what my final price was… I knew I was somewhere between $50 and $75, but I was unsure of the exact amount. And like an idiot, instead of JUST KEEPING IT TO MYSELF, I said how it is very hard to tell what is happening and it just seems like the auctioneer is randomly pointing and saying nonsense and people are milling around.
Which led to an inquest and cross-examination on the drive home where Paul tried to trip me up by saying things like – so you had no idea what you were bidding, and yet you kept putting your hand up?
And I had to nimbly dance around his accusations and mischaracterizations by using my time on the witness stand to obfuscate and redirect attention to the greater good I have achieved: perfecting Elvis’s inner sanctum for a relatively low price.
When we got home, Paul said– where are we putting this? I looked around and then gestured over in the living room. I said– let’s just put it in that corner for now.
Paul said– because that’s what hoarders do… fill up all the corners.
I said– Please be patient. I am going as fast as I can… but there are so many corners.
see my other mirrors: pier mirrors & foyer, Kingdom mirror, just a mirror frame.
see all my favorite finds
August 6, 2014 @ 10:08 am
Bwahahahaha! Poor Paul. But $65 was a steal!
August 6, 2014 @ 10:37 am
Agreed!
And while The Mirror Troll marched around playing the trombone and flinging confetti, I get sucked into following every link and rereading every delightful VEB adventure. Thirty minutes later, I emerge blinking and brushing confetti out of my hair. Thanks for the trip!
August 16, 2014 @ 8:34 am
Exactly my thoughts, even to the spelling of your first word. Jo @ Let’s Face the Music
August 6, 2014 @ 10:10 am
Elvis clearly can’t wait for it to be installed. She loves it already! So you must have done a good thing…
August 6, 2014 @ 10:11 am
Elizabeth – I too share an addiction for auctions. Many years ago I started and since then… well it’s totally out of control but amazingly pleasant! E-bay is much more secretive. You can log on anytime and bid on whatever you want without Paul EVER KNOWING. Packages can be shipped to your office or a neighborhood mail shop rather than to the house. Just like a pair of fabulous shoes, you can hide something under the bed and later once it’s revealed say “Oh… that old thing?!” Spread your wings and SHOP! GEC
August 6, 2014 @ 10:13 am
Another fabulous post…you are a woman after my own heart!! My husband says hoarding is a gene that’s passed down through your ancestry…is it bad that I LOVE my Mom and all the things she hoards? She IS the one that started taking me to auctions as a small child…so I can totally understand the lingo (it doesn’t make you spend any less!).
BTW, I think the mirror and marble topped base were real steal!! Congrats.
August 6, 2014 @ 10:15 am
Reading your posts makes me so, so happy. Please quit your day job and post all the time.
August 7, 2014 @ 12:13 pm
I totally agree! I check your website more than is healthy hoping to find a new post.
August 6, 2014 @ 10:17 am
$65 was a steal. Clearly, it wanted to come home with you.
Does Elvis know about the scentless tux cat who lives in the mirror? If so, what does she think?
August 6, 2014 @ 10:20 am
Please keep bidding – for all of us!
August 6, 2014 @ 10:21 am
It just dawned on me that I have severely limited myself by not having access to a truck, sweetpea! (My “Paul” travels far too much to have imput re: purchases!) My mirror purchasing has been limited to what I can put in my car or trunk! I’ve spent far too much time looking at gorgeous mirrors and NOT buying! You are an inspiration, lovely!
August 6, 2014 @ 10:45 am
Oh, Honey!!! No, no, no… Let me fill you in on the concept of the top of your car and tie down straps or bungee cords. That should help you out with the limited travel space because there are just some things for with the back seat or trunk just will not do. LOL!
August 6, 2014 @ 10:22 am
I have 23 large mirrors but they aren’t as lovely as this one. My aunty Ivy was a hoarder and they called Social Services into clear her house out, then she filled it up again, so there is nothing I can do – it’s inherited. Keep up the good work, lovely old things deserve a kind home.
August 6, 2014 @ 10:22 am
You’re really very funny!
August 6, 2014 @ 10:23 am
“The Mirror Troll marched around playing the trombone and flinging confetti.” I’m laughing so hard I have mascara running down my face!!!
I couldn’t have walked past it either and $65 is a steal! My Mirror Troll has envy 🙁
August 6, 2014 @ 10:23 am
All I can say is THANK GOD we live in different states. If we lived down the street from each other, I would be your partner in crime. And while that would bring me immeasurable amounts of joy it would also bring me some big, big, trouble with a capital T. But truthfully I’m good with that.
Let me know if you’re considering Chicago anytime soon and I’ll start the house hunting.
Here’s a question, have you ever heard of the 100 mile yard sale? Here’s the link…
http://gantdaily.com/2013/07/18/pas-100-mile-yard-sale-slated-for-this-weekend/
They’re all over but I think this is the closest one to you.
You se even though we’re far apart, I can still enable I MEAN assist!
😉
August 8, 2014 @ 1:53 pm
I have wanted to go to the 100 mile yard sale for years! One of these days, I’m going to rent an RV with lots of underneath storage space, and I’ll travel the entire 100 miles! Guess I better start saving!
August 6, 2014 @ 10:26 am
lol – Oh my goodness you always brighten up my day! Awesome deal, and I can’t wait for you to share filling up all those other corners. 🙂
August 6, 2014 @ 10:28 am
My friend has a 5×7 gorgeous mirro for sale for $350. She never responded at all when I asked about layaway. What is wrong with this woman?
Once again, I’m so disappointed in Paul. Well, in his attitude. I feel like I am always asking “What is wrong with him!?”
August 6, 2014 @ 10:38 am
I think Paul and my husband, Jim, need to have a group therapy session. Probably involving Scotch or some other dark liquid in a glass…
August 6, 2014 @ 10:40 am
A fancy mirror with a gazing bench – does it get any better?
August 6, 2014 @ 10:46 am
Why do I suddenly sigh with a certain understanding for Paul?
Why – on the other hand – am I shamelessly laughing out loud for your brashness and determination?
Why?
Thanks for this hilarious post – Lots of love – Kiki in faraway France (another land of fancyful mirrors, think Versailles!)
August 6, 2014 @ 10:55 am
Paul obviously doesn’t realize how central to Elvis ego, this fancy mirror is! Now he has his own private place to daily chant “mirror, mirror, on the wall….who’s the fairest of them all?” Makes sense to me!
August 8, 2014 @ 12:13 am
Toni. Victoria recently explained to one and all that Elvis is a GIRL (unless you meant Paul). I cordially invite you to get with the program, or alternately, perhaps Victoria should adorn her with a string of pearls!
August 8, 2014 @ 1:57 pm
Gail, please have patience. Toni may be new to the blog. It took me a while to realize Elvis was a she. If you haven’t seen the blogs as they are posted, and you are still reading to catch up, you may not be aware yet.
August 6, 2014 @ 10:57 am
Brilliance…and at only $65! Clearly, Paul cannot fathom how greatly fortune smiles at him on a regular basis. Guys. Ugh.
August 6, 2014 @ 11:01 am
You rock!!! But I do pity Paul if he ever buys a truck and a hand cart….