Front Porch – Part 3 of 3. Where we sand and stain the floor. But first try to kill each other.
The most exciting part of this front porch project? When we actually PAID someone to do work. It goes against everything Paul stands for… but sanding a floor is the one task he’ll allow someone else to do.
If you’re wondering what it’s like? To pay someone? It’s unbelievably awesome.
I left to go to the farmer’s market and the library and an estate sale. Because when you pay someone else to do work, you can leave your house… and when you come home it’s magically finished!
This was Saturday. And there was a two-step plan:
Step 1: Guys show up to sand.
Step 2: Paul stains.
Step One went fine. But when I got home I said—Hey!! How’d it go? And Paul showed me the can of stain. And? It was NOT remotely the same color we’d ordered.
Why we did not think to OPEN the cans, or look at them, or check that they were the same is beyond me. But like idiots, we assumed that we would get what we ordered.
At which point, Step Two fell apart.
I forgot to take a photo of the sample can for comparison… So you’ll have to take my word for it that it was not ORANGE.
Personally, I think Paul was kind of accusatory when he showed me the stain. He said things like—THIS IS NOT THE COLOR WE ORDERED. And I was like, believe me… I see that.
And then he said— So? Can I go ahead?
And I was like, excuse me? What? Why are you asking me this? No. Obviously. Furthermore, you know this.
Incase you’re thinking I did something stupid? Like order floor-stain online, based on nothing but a whim and the color blocks they show you? That is NOT how I operate.
Cabot Australian Timber Oil Shades
My advice? Do not order Cabot sample-cans online and assume they will be the same color as the actual full-size can. Do not spend a month deliberating over stain. And ordering stuff on the Internet. And reading deck chat-boards. And getting your husband to sand off a good-sized section of porch so that you can test them all. And then assume that you have made some kind of progress/educated decision/choice you will be happy with.
Because? If you assume any of those things, you will end up on a Saturday afternoon like me—driving around frantically while your husband morphs into angry-stain-guy.
Paul is like a train. Once it leaves the station? You DO NOT want to step out in front of it. Stopping his momentum is likely to end in dismemberment and death.
And that’s where I come in.
My role in this entire house-project is to be the person who leaps out in front of the train. High-kicking and wearing a marching-band outfit and playing the tuba and tying myself to the tracks.
I’m sure I don’t need to point out—that it is OBVIOUSLY not my fault that the actual stain was significantly different from the sample. Right? This is obvious to you. To anyone, really. Except to Paul. To him I was the wrench in his plan. And therefore the bane of his entire existence. And? When that happens? I think: oh really? This is the bane of your existence? You have not seen anything yet.
The porch flooring is IPE or Brazilian hardwood… or something I do not really understand. If you do, good for you, but please do not try to explain it to me because I no longer care.
What I DO care about is that it means your stain options are limited. So limited that I do not like ANY of them. It took us a month to find one I liked. And we had to special order it. And it ended up being a figment of our imagination.
Of course this was a Saturday afternoon at three o’clock. And of course Home Depot does not carry what we needed.
Like lunatics, we drove over to a small, local paint store. Thankfully, they were open and they carried a different brand that works for IPE. We tested all five shades of the Sikkens stain IN the store on a piece of sample deck we brought from home. We picked the least hideous one and drove home.
Paul had calmed down…lulled into thinking his train was back on track—the offending blockade had been removed and his stain-path was clear.
Paul has the ability to forget. Immediately. How he implied I am the genesis of all his project-problems. And he forgets that he pointed out how I am impossible to please and will deliberate over degrees and shades and tints. For eternity.
Until the cows come home. While the rapture occurs and people are yanked from their cars… I will still be staring at my options and rearranging sample cards and thinking. And I will say to the returning Christ-figure… oh, you know what? I’m not quite done here. So, I’m not going to be able to go. But thanks for the invite.
When we got home we tested it on the actual porch. Which apparently is totally different than the sample piece. Even though the sample used to be attached to the porch? Now that it is not, has undergone alchemical wizardry, becoming something entirely different. I hated it.
Plus, now we were forced to test in a super-small area under where the bases for the porch-pillars will come down around the columns. It’s hard to tell whether you will like your entire front porch the shade you are seeing on only one-square-inch of wood. Also of note is this—the boards are hugely varied. Which I actually like a lot. As long as they’re not various shades of orange.
So we drove BACK to the stain store. Got another stain. Tested it in the store. Drove home. Tested it on the actual deck. We both hated it. Went BACK to the store and got a NEW shade… In retrospect, obviously we should have just bought ALL the stain they had the first time, but we were operating in panic mode, which doesn’t stimulate rational decision-making.
By the time we got home with the final stain, it was no surprise that I didn’t like it. I didn’t like any of them. And I couldn’t even tell if any of them were an option that I could actually live with.
At this point, Paul had progressed past irritation into the realm of boiling frustration. It was Saturday, and Saturday’s program was to finish the porch floor. With what—he did not care.
I suggested we wait until Monday when I could go to another deck store. And then Paul lost his mind. He explained to me at top volume how the porch had JUST been sanded, and was therefore READY. And if we WAITED… ANYTHING could happen: dirt/dust/bird poop/cat prints/random outdoor catastrophes. And if I had wanted to go to MORE deck stores the time to do it was BEFORE the deck was sanded.
And I was like… YES Paul. That IS what I want—to spend more of my life driving around to deck stores. How did you know??
There is something about Paul where he thinks that if he goes crazy first, he gets first dibs on it. And there will be none left for me. And I will be forced to take Option B—agreeing with him and slinking away quietly to appease his bad mood.
WHY after EIGHT years of marriage he STILL thinks this is BEYOND me.
I will see your bad mood. And I will raise it. And then I will steal all your cards and all your chips. And I will get you kicked out of the casino. And then I will go to the auction and buy some GIANT ANTIQUE THAT YOU WILL HAVE TO MOVE FOR ME. So LOOK OUT.
Instead, I said—do whatever you want. And walked away.
And I realized this: I have come so far. Even a year ago, I would have been ENRAGED at the suggestion of using a subpar color/product/stain/paint shade/sofa/toilet paper holder. But now? I don’t care.
This house has killed my aesthetic martyr.
Random information: Cabot claims drastic shade difference is impossible. However, the guys at the mom-and-pop paint store told us that Cabot has been purchased by Valspar and that their store has stopped carrying Cabot because right now the product is unreliable.
Oh? INTERESTING… Cabot-Valspar-ruiners-of-my-Saturday.
Incase you missed the first two parts:
Peggy Tee
October 7, 2012 @ 11:08 pm
This made me giggle madly. I’m sorry to hear about the drama of it all, but at least it has resulted in excellent writing material!
PS: The porch looks great! Don’t sweat a stain.
Victoria Elizabeth Barnes
October 8, 2012 @ 10:18 am
Ha!! Yes, that’s good advice! Who knew I had THAT much to say about floor stain…
notquiteold
October 8, 2012 @ 8:59 am
Oh been there. And after a while the sun will darken it anyway…..
Victoria Elizabeth Barnes
October 8, 2012 @ 10:21 am
That’s what I’m counting on—weather. It made the previous finish nondescript… so I’m sure you’re right.
asoulwalker
October 8, 2012 @ 9:34 am
I found myself wanting to laugh the entire time while reading this… but I could not, it just wasn’t funny. I wanted it to be… but instead I just felt like I wanted to explode. It reminded me of a time I hung a bear skin rug on the wall and it took 3 hours. Now I’m pissed off… and I don’t even know you.
Oh, and congratulations on being freshly pressed.
Victoria Elizabeth Barnes
October 8, 2012 @ 4:39 pm
Like you, I mostly wanted to explode that day… In retrospect, and while writing it, I was surprised by how funny I found it.
Thanks for the congratulations!! My fifteen minutes are almost up!
p.s.- possibly anything that takes three hours to hang, actually just wants to go on the floor…
asoulwalker
October 8, 2012 @ 9:48 pm
I totally agree.
asoulwalker
October 8, 2012 @ 9:36 am
The last two pictures look gorgeous by the way.
Victoria Elizabeth Barnes
October 8, 2012 @ 4:39 pm
Thanks, it looks better the further from the experience I get…
Eri Berry
October 8, 2012 @ 9:48 am
Oh! I love how particular you are about floor stain colors!
Congrats on the great floor job. 🙂
Victoria Elizabeth Barnes
October 8, 2012 @ 4:40 pm
Perhaps you can sway Paul to your appreciation for the finer points of being overly particular… He doesn’t share your perspective. 🙂
Courtney
October 8, 2012 @ 10:54 am
This made me laugh because my husband and I have been there, but our nemesis was the hardwood floor in the living room of our first house. We ended up having to do the floors twice before we were happy with them. That was an entire weekend wasted.
We’ve recently started construction on a house (a first for us) and I have a feeling it’s going to make both of us crazy before we’re done with it.
Your porch did turn out beautifully though. Congrats on being Freshly Pressed!
Victoria Elizabeth Barnes
October 8, 2012 @ 4:43 pm
I winced at the idea of redoing your floors… doing them once is a headache. I don’t know what twice is.
In some ways I think building a house would be fantastic… you get everything just the way you want it, rather than working around whatever is already in place. BUT you’re also the decider for *everything*. And that’s a huge job. Good luck! I’m sure you’ll love the end result!
Tracy Greene
October 8, 2012 @ 11:00 am
That made me cry!! But truly, it looks nice. Might not have been what you wanted, but yes, the Casino Analogy was worth all of your trouble.
Victoria Elizabeth Barnes
October 9, 2012 @ 7:04 am
Well, the house always wins, right? At least no bankruptcy was involved…
Michele McGovern
October 8, 2012 @ 11:35 am
This post is only slightly less awesome than your porch. Holy cow! Gorgeous!!
Victoria Elizabeth Barnes
October 9, 2012 @ 7:06 am
Hey thanks, I appreciate it. Who knew floor stain was so captivating…
Stacey
October 8, 2012 @ 2:04 pm
CONGRATS on FP, VIctoria! Welcome to the madness. Enjoy your day and please don’t respond to this… you’ve got to be exhausted. FP is a lot like renovation…. maddening, exciting, tiring, and may even bring tears. Have fun!
Victoria Elizabeth Barnes
October 9, 2012 @ 7:06 am
Looks like my fame and good fortune are winding down… I was worried I might start demanding my own dressing room and an entourage… but I’ve kind of calmed down.
lucindalines
October 8, 2012 @ 5:26 pm
For all of that, we stained our deck white. At first my husband was a bit miffed that we “ruined” good wood with something that looked like paint. Now we love it. Your deck looks great by the way. Time and weather ages and changes all stains so just enjoy the time outside in what looks like a great space.
Victoria Elizabeth Barnes
October 9, 2012 @ 7:08 am
I’m sure the white is lovely. And bright too, which is so nice… Besides, “ruining” good wood is a wife’s prerogative…
I had looked at those colored stain options. I was dubious that they could cover the wood in a smooth, even finish… But recently I finally saw it in person and I was amazed how nice the end product was.
Tammy
October 8, 2012 @ 11:59 pm
Dare I say that you’ll look back and laugh? I’ve so been in this situation and promise, you will.
Victoria Elizabeth Barnes
October 9, 2012 @ 8:01 am
Writing the post, I was actually surprised to find it funny. Not like, the funniest thing ever… and certainly the kind of humor I can live without. But still…
saffy3000
October 9, 2012 @ 3:30 am
Haha love this, sounds just like me and my husband, we just did our lounge floor!!! Love your sense of humour in your writing, porch looks great!
Victoria Elizabeth Barnes
October 9, 2012 @ 11:22 am
You can relate then. Isn’t it nice to finish a project? Even if it doesn’t go to plan, just being finished is so rewarding!
vyvacious
November 6, 2012 @ 2:08 pm
Now I’m scared to own a house and have a husband.
😛
Victoria Elizabeth Barnes
November 7, 2012 @ 9:33 am
Lol… Well, I guess like any long term project… things can get a little maddening. Or a lot. 🙂
vyvacious
November 7, 2012 @ 1:52 pm
I’ll just keep pretending I have commitment issues as long as society allows me for my age. Haha! 😛
Victoria Elizabeth Barnes
November 7, 2012 @ 4:45 pm
LOL!
frankeeg
November 13, 2012 @ 3:12 pm
Rule number one when restoring and or decorating a house. Do not under any circumstances try to select and or use paint, stain, varnish, wallpaper, carpet etc as a joint project with your wife/husband/partner. The chances of ever agreeing are reduced by 50% immediately. Good luck with the rest of the house. My simple solution is to let my wife decide on such things then I have to learn to live with the result. If it was the other way round she would never learn to live with my choices. Simple, figure out who would learn to live with the result and let the other person choose.Good luck with the rest of the house.
Victoria Elizabeth Barnes
November 13, 2012 @ 8:44 pm
That is excellent advice. And generally how we do it… I am the picker, he is the doer. A better deal for me, than for him.
In this case, I really didn’t like any of the limited choices I had that afternoon. I don’t think Paul loved them either, but his scales are calibrated differently than mine. Getting it done is equivalent to what color we use. Whereas mine are totally weighted on the color side…
charliekaycheyenne
November 18, 2012 @ 7:12 am
Reblogged this on Charlie Kay Cheyenne Home Repair and commented:
Refinishing hardwood flooring is an extreme learning experience, and not one I would recommend to anyone. Here is one couples” experiences.
Margaret
April 7, 2013 @ 8:46 pm
Great reading! Thank u for ur experience. I will now go with mesmers, the oil based version and hire out! Wow, that made for an easy decision.
Margaret
April 13, 2013 @ 11:45 am
Hi. Is that tongue & grove ipe and how long has it been installed? I’m curious as to how well the stain/finish holds up with PA winter weather. Thanks
Victoria Elizabeth Barnes
April 13, 2013 @ 3:05 pm
I’m just remembering that I owed you a response a few days ago!!! Work has been crazy, and my email is out of control!
Yes, tongue and groove… I would say that it’s held up about as well as can be expected. The areas that get full sun are quickly deteriorated, and the finish wears off quickly. I talked to a few pros prior to our porch project, and they all warned that no matter what… weather/sun will beat it up… edges that are most exposed are showing weathering, whereas close to house looks brand new.
It was not cared for before we bought the house, so maybe it would be in better shape if it had been taken care of all along… and maintained better, but I really don’t know.
Hardwood Floors Petaluma
June 19, 2013 @ 5:27 pm
This was a hilarious post! But after all your troubles, the wood still looks amazing!
Naomi J
July 23, 2013 @ 7:37 pm
Is it weird that I really really like the color variation? It looks cool. But then again, photos tend to make a lot of things look better than in real life. Perhaps as it weathers it will grow on you? Or as it has been nearly a year since you posted this post, perhaps it already has 😀
Meghan
July 30, 2013 @ 10:57 am
“Where you both actually have the SAME EXACT frustration, but are completely unable to stand its manifestation in the other person.”
Love this! Spent the last week looking for an apartment to move into in a city we know nothing about and live 2 hours from… Ran into this once or twice. Or thrice.