Front Porch – Part 3 of 3. Where we sand and stain the floor. But first try to kill each other.
The most exciting part of this front porch project? When we actually PAID someone to do work. It goes against everything Paul stands for… but sanding a floor is the one task he’ll allow someone else to do.
If you’re wondering what it’s like? To pay someone? It’s unbelievably awesome.
I left to go to the farmer’s market and the library and an estate sale. Because when you pay someone else to do work, you can leave your house… and when you come home it’s magically finished!
This was Saturday. And there was a two-step plan:
Step 1: Guys show up to sand.
Step 2: Paul stains.
Step One went fine. But when I got home I said—Hey!! How’d it go? And Paul showed me the can of stain. And? It was NOT remotely the same color we’d ordered.
Why we did not think to OPEN the cans, or look at them, or check that they were the same is beyond me. But like idiots, we assumed that we would get what we ordered.
At which point, Step Two fell apart.
I forgot to take a photo of the sample can for comparison… So you’ll have to take my word for it that it was not ORANGE.
Personally, I think Paul was kind of accusatory when he showed me the stain. He said things like—THIS IS NOT THE COLOR WE ORDERED. And I was like, believe me… I see that.
And then he said— So? Can I go ahead?
And I was like, excuse me? What? Why are you asking me this? No. Obviously. Furthermore, you know this.
Incase you’re thinking I did something stupid? Like order floor-stain online, based on nothing but a whim and the color blocks they show you? That is NOT how I operate.
Cabot Australian Timber Oil Shades
My advice? Do not order Cabot sample-cans online and assume they will be the same color as the actual full-size can. Do not spend a month deliberating over stain. And ordering stuff on the Internet. And reading deck chat-boards. And getting your husband to sand off a good-sized section of porch so that you can test them all. And then assume that you have made some kind of progress/educated decision/choice you will be happy with.
Because? If you assume any of those things, you will end up on a Saturday afternoon like me—driving around frantically while your husband morphs into angry-stain-guy.
Paul is like a train. Once it leaves the station? You DO NOT want to step out in front of it. Stopping his momentum is likely to end in dismemberment and death.
And that’s where I come in.
My role in this entire house-project is to be the person who leaps out in front of the train. High-kicking and wearing a marching-band outfit and playing the tuba and tying myself to the tracks.
I’m sure I don’t need to point out—that it is OBVIOUSLY not my fault that the actual stain was significantly different from the sample. Right? This is obvious to you. To anyone, really. Except to Paul. To him I was the wrench in his plan. And therefore the bane of his entire existence. And? When that happens? I think: oh really? This is the bane of your existence? You have not seen anything yet.
The porch flooring is IPE or Brazilian hardwood… or something I do not really understand. If you do, good for you, but please do not try to explain it to me because I no longer care.
What I DO care about is that it means your stain options are limited. So limited that I do not like ANY of them. It took us a month to find one I liked. And we had to special order it. And it ended up being a figment of our imagination.
Of course this was a Saturday afternoon at three o’clock. And of course Home Depot does not carry what we needed.
Like lunatics, we drove over to a small, local paint store. Thankfully, they were open and they carried a different brand that works for IPE. We tested all five shades of the Sikkens stain IN the store on a piece of sample deck we brought from home. We picked the least hideous one and drove home.
Paul had calmed down…lulled into thinking his train was back on track—the offending blockade had been removed and his stain-path was clear.
Paul has the ability to forget. Immediately. How he implied I am the genesis of all his project-problems. And he forgets that he pointed out how I am impossible to please and will deliberate over degrees and shades and tints. For eternity.
Until the cows come home. While the rapture occurs and people are yanked from their cars… I will still be staring at my options and rearranging sample cards and thinking. And I will say to the returning Christ-figure… oh, you know what? I’m not quite done here. So, I’m not going to be able to go. But thanks for the invite.
When we got home we tested it on the actual porch. Which apparently is totally different than the sample piece. Even though the sample used to be attached to the porch? Now that it is not, has undergone alchemical wizardry, becoming something entirely different. I hated it.
Plus, now we were forced to test in a super-small area under where the bases for the porch-pillars will come down around the columns. It’s hard to tell whether you will like your entire front porch the shade you are seeing on only one-square-inch of wood. Also of note is this—the boards are hugely varied. Which I actually like a lot. As long as they’re not various shades of orange.
So we drove BACK to the stain store. Got another stain. Tested it in the store. Drove home. Tested it on the actual deck. We both hated it. Went BACK to the store and got a NEW shade… In retrospect, obviously we should have just bought ALL the stain they had the first time, but we were operating in panic mode, which doesn’t stimulate rational decision-making.
By the time we got home with the final stain, it was no surprise that I didn’t like it. I didn’t like any of them. And I couldn’t even tell if any of them were an option that I could actually live with.
At this point, Paul had progressed past irritation into the realm of boiling frustration. It was Saturday, and Saturday’s program was to finish the porch floor. With what—he did not care.
I suggested we wait until Monday when I could go to another deck store. And then Paul lost his mind. He explained to me at top volume how the porch had JUST been sanded, and was therefore READY. And if we WAITED… ANYTHING could happen: dirt/dust/bird poop/cat prints/random outdoor catastrophes. And if I had wanted to go to MORE deck stores the time to do it was BEFORE the deck was sanded.
And I was like… YES Paul. That IS what I want—to spend more of my life driving around to deck stores. How did you know??
There is something about Paul where he thinks that if he goes crazy first, he gets first dibs on it. And there will be none left for me. And I will be forced to take Option B—agreeing with him and slinking away quietly to appease his bad mood.
WHY after EIGHT years of marriage he STILL thinks this is BEYOND me.
I will see your bad mood. And I will raise it. And then I will steal all your cards and all your chips. And I will get you kicked out of the casino. And then I will go to the auction and buy some GIANT ANTIQUE THAT YOU WILL HAVE TO MOVE FOR ME. So LOOK OUT.
Instead, I said—do whatever you want. And walked away.
And I realized this: I have come so far. Even a year ago, I would have been ENRAGED at the suggestion of using a subpar color/product/stain/paint shade/sofa/toilet paper holder. But now? I don’t care.
This house has killed my aesthetic martyr.
Random information: Cabot claims drastic shade difference is impossible. However, the guys at the mom-and-pop paint store told us that Cabot has been purchased by Valspar and that their store has stopped carrying Cabot because right now the product is unreliable.
Oh? INTERESTING… Cabot-Valspar-ruiners-of-my-Saturday.
Incase you missed the first two parts:
David
October 6, 2012 @ 6:37 pm
Quite an adventure in home renovation.
Victoria Elizabeth Barnes
October 7, 2012 @ 10:04 am
Indeed… It’s kind of a problem, seeing as how I’m not an adventurous person.
originaltitle
October 6, 2012 @ 7:54 pm
I can totally relate to the boiling frustration and tension underneath the surface, unspoken disagreements and silent acquiescence in order to appease the other party in house-fixing-up-ing. Looks like it still turned out beautifully. I’m hoping I’ll too be able to say the same after this new house endeavor I’m in…and also still be alive to say so 😉 Great post!
Victoria Elizabeth Barnes
October 7, 2012 @ 10:15 am
There is something to be said, for simply coming out the other side alive… And also, maybe for learning that boiling frustration passes. And that sometimes, good enough is good enough.
billlattpa
October 6, 2012 @ 10:14 pm
Nice article. I’ve lived this many times when working on my house and can relate. I can also tell you that I am a woodworker and there is no way the stain will ever look how you want it to, or how it looks at the store, or on the swatch, or on the sample you made, or on the company’s web site. It seems that stain manufacturers seem to forget that wood is a natural product and unless all of your boards come from the same tree(actually a specific part of the same tree) they will very rarely match. Of course you could dye the wood, or use mega collosal size containers of pre-stain conditioner(roughly 700 coats) but that’s all kooky talk.
Victoria Elizabeth Barnes
October 7, 2012 @ 10:17 am
You’re absolutely right… I’ve learned that *nothing* in a house will ever turn out to your exact, precise specifications. (Paul has, at times, suggested I missed my calling of working for NASA, in their calibration department…)
It’s probably a good thing I didn’t know about a dye option. Or 700 coats. Those sound like things I would have explored, just to make my life more difficult.
Pamela
October 6, 2012 @ 10:21 pm
Ha-ha and yet it is spectacular 🙂
Victoria Elizabeth Barnes
October 7, 2012 @ 10:18 am
Hey, thanks!!
Pamela
October 7, 2012 @ 12:42 pm
Thank God it turned out alright–otherwise, it might have been stained a reddish tint 😉
notesfromrumbleycottage
October 6, 2012 @ 10:50 pm
I am the color picker in the family but the husband always says “No dark colors.” When we first moved in this house and I started painting he wondered why I picked ‘museum colors.” Coral and a chicory blue. Now I am picking new colors and I am sure he still thinks I am going for museum colors.
Victoria Elizabeth Barnes
October 7, 2012 @ 11:43 am
Husbands say mysterious things… And then leave you to interpret them for yourself, because they will not elaborate.
When I asked Paul to look at my blog, his first comment was that I used “Halloween colors.” And I was like, what? No… But then later I was like, hmm.
Ali Raza
October 7, 2012 @ 2:44 am
🙂
Victoria Elizabeth Barnes
October 7, 2012 @ 10:19 am
🙂
Mei
October 7, 2012 @ 4:49 am
I think home renovations can kill anyone’s “aesthetic martyr”. Faucet shopping and paint shopping are the worst. At the end of it everything started to look the same to me…I’m glad your staining project is done. It looks wonderful.
Victoria Elizabeth Barnes
October 7, 2012 @ 10:23 am
I’ve found that’s the only way I make a final decision… when I am literally too tired to care anymore. When the idea of looking at one more faucet/paint shade is more than you can handle…
Mei
October 7, 2012 @ 4:29 pm
true!
cyrusofsol
October 7, 2012 @ 4:58 am
Top quality writing. But painful to read. Your problems are of your (joint) own making.
(1) Marriage: Nobody should get married. I was lucky enough to avoid it. I have no porch problem.
(2) Property owning: Nobody should buy a dwelling-place. I rent. I have no porch problem.
(3) Buffing & Re-staining: Timber (the stuff of which giant weeds are made) varies. I accept that. Guess what problem I do not have.
There. That makes me feel better. Now you can delete my Comment. Good luck with the grass, aka lawn, aka garden, aka yard. Hint: it is SUPPOSED to be various shades of green.
Victoria Elizabeth Barnes
October 7, 2012 @ 10:26 am
I’m highly entertained by your comment… Possibly in my next life, I will take your advice. No house, no porch, no yard. We will see about the husband. For me, the good parts outweigh the bad, but we haven’t started the kitchen yet…
mrscarmichael
October 7, 2012 @ 8:25 am
Where to begin? Your blog lit so many forgotten fuse papers (not all related to Mr Carmichael).
I once chose a shower and ensuite bathroom based on the colour of a wooden floor tray. On delivery, like you, I was shocked to discover a tray so utterly alien to the promised article that I might have been rendered speechless if I hadn’t had so much to say. My builder couldn’t see the problem, checked with Matki, the supplier and thought the issue dead and ‘you’ll probably get used to it’ a reasonable comment. He began to see the problem when I told him to take the shower out.
I made the mistake of leaving Mr Carmichael in charge of receiving some high gloss white kitchen cupboards. More fool me. Honestly I think he’d have rather have half the kitchen vanilla than SORT THE PROBLEM OUT. Oh and he hadn’t noticed the discrepancy.
Now, I’m wondering do you know me? I HAVE bought a designer handbag after a MR and MRS row. At one stage in our marriage it got so bad that flowers would arrive minutes after he left for work in the hope, I guess, that I wouldn’t go shopping.
Well done. Loved the piece and the accompanying photographic evidence.
Victoria Elizabeth Barnes
October 7, 2012 @ 10:37 am
“You’ll probably get used to it,” is code… Code for, “Please feel free to make my life as difficult as humanly possible.”
You know what else is code? “I didn’t notice.” That’s code for—“I DID notice, but hoped that by pretending I didn’t, somehow it would magically resolve itself, and my life would not be disturbed.”
I could have work for the Allied resistance effort in WWII. That’s how good my code-skills are.
p.s.- I prefer Chloé, but have mostly settled for Kate Spade…You?
mrscarmichael
October 7, 2012 @ 10:55 am
that particular time I bought a Mulberry (didn’t feel the argument stretched to Hermes) but it’s fun to see flower delivery vans screech to a stop outside my house now.
Victoria Elizabeth Barnes
October 7, 2012 @ 11:06 am
You are smarter than me. I never even thought of Hermès.
mrscarmichael
October 7, 2012 @ 11:14 am
🙂
happyandsimple
October 7, 2012 @ 12:08 pm
I think I may dislike orange-toned stains almost as much as you… Cabot included. I’ve purchased online also, and have grown to like Fuhr stains (they’re eco-friendly and have beautiful colors) best. Despite the smidge of orange, your deck looks lovely with all of the varying tones!
Victoria Elizabeth Barnes
October 7, 2012 @ 5:55 pm
Entertainingly, nearly every webpage I view is showing me ads for Cabot… I guess my recent search for the color swatches made the Internet think I want to buy more of their orange stain…
I wish I had heard of Fuhr prior to last Saturday… on top of the color, what we ended up using smells terrible. I am hoping the orange will fade to something darker… anything so bright probably won’t withstand the elements!
jdtphotography.co.uk
October 7, 2012 @ 12:30 pm
Brought me out in fits of laughter reading your blog as I know how it is in renovating and restoring. Especially ….as I am in the process of restoring a farmhouse in France
Victoria Elizabeth Barnes
October 7, 2012 @ 5:59 pm
I think I would enjoy this house-project more, if it were in France… I imagine the restoration process is much more glamorous there?
travelgardeneat
October 7, 2012 @ 1:49 pm
The joys of teamwork with home renovation projects (not!) — my husband and I have learned over the years that we do not play well together when it comes to these things. Great post! ~ Kat
Victoria Elizabeth Barnes
October 7, 2012 @ 6:17 pm
If opposing teams, playing in foul weather, is included in the category “teamwork.” Then yes. Absolutely. Teamwork.
Huffygirl
October 7, 2012 @ 1:52 pm
Sounds like one of our crazy renovation projects. So from the picture it looks like you found a stain and stained it, but I couldn’t tell that from the story? Anyway, it looks like beautiful wood and hopefully you’ll still be married long enough to enjoy it together 🙂
Victoria Elizabeth Barnes
October 7, 2012 @ 6:11 pm
We used the last stain we came home with. The store was closed for the night, and Paul didn’t want to wait… I guess I didn’t really clarify that!
Not the way I like to choose my colors… but it ended up fine. Plus, it was nice to just be finished with it…
afterthekidsleave
October 7, 2012 @ 2:57 pm
Too funny and yet…I have a sneaking suspicion that my husband and yours are twins, separated at birth. There might be an age (58?)and nationality (danish?) difference but at heart, they are the same man.
I was with you all the way! (the casino analogy was spot-on)
Wendy
Victoria Elizabeth Barnes
October 7, 2012 @ 6:36 pm
Funny, isn’t it? How universal that husband-trait is?
However, I’m pretty sure if Paul got to tell his side of the story? Your husband would look at you with new and glowing admiration for your quick-decisions and easy-going appeal.
wklockjohnson
October 7, 2012 @ 3:03 pm
I don’t know how to tell you this but, well, I think I am married to Paul too, for the past 23 years. Except he goes by Dave and lives in California.
After prepping walls for wall paper, putting in a back porch, putting tile down in our great room, resurfacing our kitchen counters and putting in baseboard we now rate projects on the “will this end our marriage” scale. If it comes anywhere near “highly likely” we either a) pay someone, b) scrap the project, or c) one person volunteers to do it while the other person leaves.
Oh and for the record – if any one owns crazy around here. Let’s be clear it’s me. You would think Paul, I mean Dave would know that by now.
Victoria Elizabeth Barnes
October 8, 2012 @ 7:40 am
You are my new best friend. I do not care that you are living a dual life with my husband.
In the privacy of this comment, I will admit that sometimes I think maybe Paul owns crazy. Not because of the specific amount or degree of crazy—I far outweigh him there. But just because of his commitment to it.
I go crazy, and then I’m like, I’m so exhausted I need to go lie down. But Paul? It’s like the man has endless energy.
p.s.- I was disappointed there were no photos of Armageddon-inducing projects on your blog
5thingstodotoday
October 7, 2012 @ 3:57 pm
I love your blog and I would really like you to feature on my blog http://www.5thingstodotoday.com. All you have to do is think of 5 things and I will feature them and provide a link back to your blog. Check it out and see what you think. If you feel you can contribute then please email your suggestions. Many Thanks. David
Victoria Elizabeth Barnes
October 8, 2012 @ 10:16 am
That would be fun! I’m not really in the habit of giving wise or inspirational advice, but I will give it some thought.
muddledmom
October 7, 2012 @ 8:33 pm
I’m with you on color. I cannot live with orangey wood. Or tan paint that is too pink, blue that is too purple. It’s so hard to get that just-right color, and having to do it in a rush and under those circumstances, I do not envy you! Great post.
Victoria Elizabeth Barnes
October 8, 2012 @ 7:45 am
Rushing around and quick-decision making are absolutely foreign to me. I need all the time in the world to choose something…
I am with you about blue paint that is slightly purple! We went through untold shades looking for the porch’s wall paint. They all look blue, until you compare multiple shades next to each other… then you see how lavender/greenish they actually are.
segmation
October 7, 2012 @ 8:39 pm
Glad you haven’t killed each other yet. It looks to me like in the end everything will be fantastic, right? http://www.segmation.wordpress.com
Victoria Elizabeth Barnes
October 8, 2012 @ 9:43 am
Yes. We are happy to have survived. It’s the little things, you know.
segmation
October 8, 2012 @ 1:19 pm
That is so true! http://www.segmation.wordpress.com
Loni Found Herself
October 7, 2012 @ 9:08 pm
Oh, I love it when someone I already follow gets the recognition they deserve! Congrats, doll!
Victoria Elizabeth Barnes
October 8, 2012 @ 9:56 am
Hey, thanks… almost like seeing my name in lights over Broadway!
Seat12
October 7, 2012 @ 10:03 pm
I have to say that I really like the way that the floor turned out, however I’m not totally sure why…
It might be that just about 100% of the porches in my neighborhood are painted the same battleship gray color.
It might be that the stain gives a variety of colors on the boards, and how every now and then there is a board that matches the color of the paint on the front door.
Perhaps that’s what I like best about it…it keeps my eye busy looking for a plan or a connection or a pattern…something that shows that there was an underlying design.
I think that’s especially interesting because from reading this, you didn’t quite get the planned design that you wanted. Still, the eye and the mind of the viewer want to find a design (even if it’s not quite the one that you desired).
I am curious though how you feel about how this flooring transitions to the flooring that is inside the house…Is it jarringly dissimilar? or complimentary?
Victoria Elizabeth Barnes
October 8, 2012 @ 9:58 am
I hadn’t noticed that board does really match the door! I do really like the variety of the shades of the individual boards. It’s the yellow/orange undertone of the stain that doesn’t appeal to me. (It’s more noticeable on the lighter boards.)
There is a rug right at the inside of the front door, so you don’t really get to compare the interior floor with outside… I do think the end result is fine. Just, not precisely what I wanted. Which at this point, in an old house, you’d think I’d be used to…