I bet you thought I was kidding about DIY-mining my own marble countertops.
Paul was away for work early in spring. This doesn’t happen very often, but when it does I worry about two things:
1. previously-discussed proliferation of ax murderers outside the house.
2. that something really good will show up on Craigslist and my retrieval team will be unavailable.
Which is exactly what happened.
And it turns out that sometimes it is better if your retrieval team is not available. Because sometimes the retrieval team gets confused and thinks that their role is actually the roadblock-to-happiness team.
I called Paul and said – GOOD NEWS! Marble! Giant fancy edge! The guy will put it in the car for me! I’m going this afternoon!
Paul said – have you actually thought this through?
I said – nope. BUT YOU ARE NOT HERE TO STOP ME.
#winning
The marble originally lined a foyer; sort of like wainscoting in a small vestibule. The guy had three sections, each one is 2’ x 4’.
What am I going to do with it? I don’t know.
Why are you on Paul’s team?
When I got there, it was EVEN BETTER than I expected. EXCEPT for the 50,000 ways it is going to be impossible to work with.
When I saw the marble, half of me was like – awesome.
The other half was like – Paul is not going to be too happy with this.
First, the slabs are slightly different thicknesses. And the back of it sort of resembles the surface of the moon– unfinished.
Second, the edge that would be out-facing/flush with (my special, imaginary non-cabinet) cabinetry is rough. REALLY rough.
Now. Normally my part of the acquisition would be finished… but because Paul was away, I was tasked with the get-this-out-of-the-car finale.
I had planned to ask one of my neighbors to help me. And Paul made me promise that I would not drive ANYWHERE until it was unloaded.
Paul has this weird thing about safety. And also about not leaving loose ends lying about. How we ended up together is a total mystery considering that my entire personality consists only of loose ends… you cannot even get near me without tripping.
Plus, do you know what I’m really good at? Doing only part of a project: the fun part.
I am SO great at the enthusiasm part— the part where you will move heaven and earth to ACQUIRE GIANT FANCY THINGS. But after that, I am tired.
So after I got it, I just left the marble in the car.
I never asked the neighbor. I kept putting it off. And forgetting. And forgetting. And forgetting. Until I’d go to get in the car and be like– oh, right… this marble is STILL HERE.
So it was no surprise that I ended up with a pile of stone still in the car the same afternoon Paul was supposed to come home.
I cannot overstate how incredulous he will be to realize that I drove around for a week with roughly 600 pounds of unsecured marble in the car.
Whenever I go to pick something up without him, he tells me 50 times – don’t forget to tie it down. If you get in an accident, you do not want to be speared in the back of the head with vintage patio furniture/plant stands/the hand truck… USE THE STRAPS. Safety first. Boy Scout code of conduct. Blah, blah, blah.
For whatever reason, it does not motivate me to actually take steps to prevent being bashed in the head. I just drive around IMAGINING my head bashed in.
Why I choose to go around, mentally dissecting worst-case scenarios, rather than taking the 10 minutes to avoid them in the first place, I cannot say.
Anyway. Paul was coming home, I had three giant slabs of marble violating the car-safety-code-of-conduct, and not one of my neighbors was home. So I decided to do it myself.
I was pretty sure my chances of breaking one, (or all) were high. Marble is notoriously fragile during transport. But it tells you something about Paul’s ongoing frustration with my inability to complete tasks that I found it more appealing to possibly trash my find than incur an interrogation.
So, I figured I would video it… When you are an blogger, this is how you spend your Sunday: videoing yourself wrestling a 200 pound rectangle.
Was that the most interesting thing you have ever seen? No… Was it slightly more interesting than whatever you are supposed to be doing at work right now? Probably.
June 11, 2014 @ 1:21 pm
YEP – SOOOO much more fun than doing my work…. 🙂 You’re a STAR – doing this on your own – AND filming the whole experience. Pls DO tell us how you managed to film all the different takes, angles and even managed to underlay it with a sassy tune
You’re so totally my (marble) rock star!
June 11, 2014 @ 1:39 pm
WOW! Seriously awesome in the truest sense of the word – VEB, you rock!
June 11, 2014 @ 1:41 pm
Victoria…I have done the same thing, not with marble slabs though. I am impressed…just wondering, how did you feel the next day? And did Paul ever suspect?
June 11, 2014 @ 2:00 pm
Oh, you’re supposed to secure things in your car? I’m regularly in danger every weekend then! Great job on moving the marble! I’m proud of you!! I understand what you mean when you say you’d rather trash something than endure an interrogation. My mirror troll found a GFT mirror at an estate sale last year. It was exactly what I had been looking for AND it was half price. Needless to say I wasn’t leaving it behind. The estate sale helper managed to cram it in my little hatchback and I drove happily home. Rather than listen to the “Why did you buy this? Where are you going to put it??” lecture I unloaded it myself.
June 11, 2014 @ 2:01 pm
Hey we don’t need no stink’in men! Love the graceful arabesque during removal. I’m impressed you had a awesome blue dolly of your very own. Obviously moving large items is a habit. Im sure you will be able to resource the proper way to sand down the edge or find a stone guy to do it. so much cheaper than buying counter tops! Except for the murphys that will require a custom cabinet to go under it as its a totally not standard size of marble! 🙂
June 11, 2014 @ 3:12 pm
I only like the fun part of projects too. The part that requires no thinking, no strategy, no worrying. Just get it there, and I’ll do the rest. The rest is easy. And I would have done the same thing, traveled around all week with it in the van, and then when help was within hours of getting home, know you would never hear the end of it, so nearly kill yourself getting it done. And my specialty, the whole while I’m doing pretty much anything – which is always as far from the way my husband would do it as possible, which is always the right and logical way, but so not the fun way – I’m thinking, it’s gonna break, it’s going to fall, it’s going to split, it’s going to tip…you get my drift…and sure enough, there she goes! And then I have to act all blasé and whatever about it, because I know I should have waited. For the brain to arrive. Pffft, who needs a brain? Apparently I do. And you need your Paul. Dangit!
June 11, 2014 @ 3:34 pm
Not only am I the big dreamer in our partnership, I’m also the AR type who insists on securing things before the tires move. This in spite of the fact that my better half (depending on one’s perspective) actually did spend several years as a Boy Scout! When we helped our (engineer) son move several hundred miles away from home, neither of the menfolk observed my instruction to load & stabilize the wares securely. After 2 or 3 stops in the first hour to readjust the contents, I finally convinced them to tie everything MY way. (Exactly HOW did they manage to earn BSA merit badges for knot tying?) Result: no further issues for the rest of the journey. The only negative was the matress cover being permanently tatooed with a stripe, due to friction from the blue tarp covering the mattress on top of the van. Sure, we looked like the Beverly Hillbillies, but we saved several hundred dollars by moving 4 rooms of furniture in a mini van & small pickup. I compare each trip while moving our 2 kids in & out of college to solving a giant model of Rubik’s Cube: remove that, insert this, top with that . . .
At least MOST of the time my DH indulges my optimistic efforts to salvage furniture or architectural materials without too much eye-rolling or mockery. But I do have to tolerate an occasional facitious remark, such as, “Well, THAT’s nice!” Sometimes though I wonder if he’s planning to use any of the larger items (armoires, etc.) as my casket, just waiting patiently until I have an “accident” while loading or unloading it from the truck or hoisting it upstairs. Oopsie! 😉
June 11, 2014 @ 4:25 pm
Another awesome post! Loved the song you added to the video. So you. 🙂
June 11, 2014 @ 4:51 pm
That makes me feel a little better (or maybe worse? Not sure.) about the approximately 300 pound bookshelf that I *tried* to get all the way up my stairs on Monday. I had to wait for my husband to get home. Once he was there, it was up the stairs and in place in about 5 minutes. My friend pointed out that if I’d just waited for my husband to come home before I even brought it in the house, I could have had it inside, up the stairs and settled in about 10 minutes (instead of all day like it took in reality). I couldn’t leave it in the DRIVEWAY all day! But I definitely understand some of your interesting finds now. The listing for my shelf said it was 6 feet long. Um no. More like 8 feet.
June 11, 2014 @ 5:00 pm
Thank you for the huge laugh fest this was for me! You are so lucky to live in an area where these treasures can be found…keep up the good work! Someone has to save these things!
June 11, 2014 @ 5:43 pm
I have never laughed so hard a at blog, absolutely hysterical. You should do stand up!!!! Ellen
June 11, 2014 @ 7:48 pm
I’m so glad im not the only idiot who does stuff like that. Usually midway through I question my sanity and then when I’m done I pat myself on the back, and congratulate my own genius…and then soak on a hot bath and take
medication…cause that’s gonna hurt later.
I can relate to the fact that your only motivation for actually unloading it was because Paul was coming home and who needs another ‘I thought I told you…’ lecture. Good girl, well done and good score.
A kindred spirit.
June 11, 2014 @ 8:46 pm
Girl ! You go ! I can’t believe how strong you are – Impressive !!
June 11, 2014 @ 9:28 pm
I adore you!
June 11, 2014 @ 9:32 pm
Oh um not a creeper!
You make me laugh! Best part is we are Craigslist addicts and it’s ok!
Everywhere you insert husbands questions ,it’s like oh ya ya I experence that too!
So ya I adore you!
June 11, 2014 @ 9:47 pm
Oh my but you make me laugh every single time! That video was great! So glad you did that so we could share in your success at unloading the marble by yourself!
June 11, 2014 @ 9:54 pm
OK – so you probably already know this – but a fabricator can refinish that for you, surface, edges, and the back. they can even reduce the thickness to match the thinner ones. They can cut it into tiles for a backsplash. It’s worth it once you decide what to do with it.
June 12, 2014 @ 4:00 pm
I heard somewhere that the biggest % of genuine stone’s cost is labor, not the stone itself. The front edge of the counter may be the only profile that would need to be trimmed & polished. I’m not sure it would matter if the bottom surface is left rough or if the slabs are slightly different in thickness, IF the marble can be installed on a bed of plaster or something to accomodate the difference, then the tops are leveled. Of course this could be just another example of how I always think a project will be ‘easy’. That’s how I earned my nickname as The Eternal Optimist! 😉
June 11, 2014 @ 10:17 pm
you are quite possibly one of the funniest people I have ever had the pleasure of stumbling upon. Your posts are pure magic and this one did not disappoint. I see big things with this marble! Can’t wait until your next post.
June 11, 2014 @ 11:23 pm
Victoria …. Was this post in June? Your trees have no leaves and your grass is brown ….. I live in Texas and I’m ready for summer to be over !!! It’s not even summer yet , just wondering .
Love your blog you make me laugh out loud
June 11, 2014 @ 11:24 pm
Marble cries out to an atavistic urge to… have marble.
For years, I had slabs of marble from the home restoration recycling place propped on top of radiators as precarious impromptu shelving. Nothing was really safe to put there except coffee-mugs-in-use and napping cats, but it was MARBLE. Marble from an old house!
It’s probably a good thing I didn’t decide to collect something larger, like doors. Or bits of church interiors, which also sometimes showed up at the home restoration recycling place. If Philadelphia has a home restoration recycling place, can you perhaps convince Paul that it’s equivalent to the cabinet store, only with bits of church interiors at bargain prices?