Kitchen planning frustration — I’ll be William Wallace. Paul can be the Irish guy.
Paul and I spent Saturday discussing the kitchen… Or rather, we began a conversation about the kitchen which morphed into generalized irritation, which seamlessly merged into every fight we have ever had about anything house-related.
The kind of irritation that makes you want to lay down on the floor in surrender and say– I give up. You win. This entire conversation is all yours.
Knock. Yourself. Out.
But instead you tiredly suit up for combat because for some reason you must defend the honor of your irritation.
The worst fights are the ones you see coming from five miles away, do not want to get involved in, but are FORCED to because the other person insists on being as irrational as possible.
At one point it occurred to me that I could just walk away and say– you know what? We have already had this fight 57,000 times. Do you have anything new to add? Because I don’t, and I should go do laundry.
But that would have been reasonable and adult-like, and not at all governed by my rage-brain-reaction to Paul’s insistence on communicating in the most impossible way possible.
Besides, does this look like a person concerned with laundry?
What Paul is frustrated about is all of the projects that I have gummed up and slowed down… and the way I have generally brought all progress to a screeching halt.
I am too slow. I am too indecisive. I overthink. And change my mind. I need to do research. And search. And reconsider. And search some more.
I have opinions on EVERYTHING.
Also, I lack focus.
I am distracted by things I want to go get on Craigslist, outfits I need to make, ideas for blog posts I write halfway and never finish, and new ideas for Christmas decorating.
I am full of magical, sparkly stuff and bluebirds.
And I’m unreliable and living on my own planet.
Then, I am tired and need to lie down.
The things that are unique about me do NOT improve Paul’s life. In fact, they make his life more difficult.
On the other hand, the things that make Paul unique improve my life immensely.
So it is a strange dynamic – where I understand WHY he finds me frustrating. But he does not understand why it is not FAIR of him to find me frustrating… It is not my fault that I was smarter when choosing my partner than he was.
Also, for the record – there are PLENTY of things about Paul that I find incredibly aggravating. Specifically: the way he will cram EVERYTHING THAT IS IN NEED OF BEING WASHED into the washing machine.
As though the machine works solely by virtue of items being placed INSIDE of it. With no relation to the actual specifics of WASHING clothing– agitating, rinsing, cleanliness, etc.
other posts about frustration/stress/near-madness:
bath, porch, construction, communication
November 7, 2014 @ 8:12 pm
Hi Victoria!
So… funny!!!! Love what Mel says in his talk-bubbles! Just know this, you two: after year 20 IT ALL SMOOTHS OUT. 🙂
I was always irritated with my husband, and conversely, he with me. Somewhere in time, arund year 20 of being married, and as the kids got older, we just quit really fighting. We realize that the other is JUST VENTING. We just let it roll off. Ok…not all of the time, but most of the time.
So, hang in there! Paul and Victoria, you are a team! 🙂
Happy weekend, now, go take a nice nap. 😉
Love your posts!!!
November 8, 2014 @ 8:04 am
Send Paul here: http://www.lifehack.org/articles/lifestyle/20-things-remember-you-love-person-with-add.html . Jo @ Let’s Face the Music
November 8, 2014 @ 9:29 pm
You had me at the pics of Braveheart…how could I disagree with anything you wrote? Ever.
November 10, 2014 @ 2:31 am
I really love your blog, and I adore your writing style. Sometimes your posts get a bit depressing because of all the fighting though. I mean, I assume it’s all in there for comic effect and you guys aren’t really on the brink of divorce, but it sometimes is hard to tell. I hope you are both happy x
November 10, 2014 @ 12:49 pm
Fighting never means divorce, unless that’s in one person’s mind. Fighting, and how a couple fights, is just part of being married. If no one’s willing to stand up for their different opinions then you have an unbalanced relationship and probably two very unhappy people. Renovations are probably some of the most difficult parts of a relationship to weather. We did our kitchen. Took six months and we haven’t considered any other projects since. We can’t even decide on what new toilets to buy. Nothing is easy any more with so many choices.
November 10, 2014 @ 11:14 am
Yay! Other people who love shiny fancy things and are hoarders!!! I myself have a raccoon that I keep appeased through work. (Before I get things thrown at me, I’m a jeweler and work with shiny fancy things AND fire all day. Keeps the Shiny Raccoon happy.) How does Paul not understand the awesomeness of the detail and the design and the incredibleness of GFTs? Many props to him for just buying another ticket on that train and riding it to the end while still maintaining his cool. My personal hoarding problem is any craft that has to do with soft colorful embroidery floss. I covet your house. When you kill Paul (or vice versa) and one of you ends up in jail, I will totally come live there and take care of it and make you lovely oversized Victorian cross stitch things….You can even leave Elvis. I have two kitties and they love new cat friends!
November 10, 2014 @ 2:48 pm
One of my worst tendencies is that, confronted with any topic at all, I wish to give advice. Obviously this is merely a snapshot of a much larger process (both a kitchen renovation and a marriage). So what follows will be completely useless; nevertheless! It strikes me that Paul’s super power is doing theoretically impossible things to make you happy. You could just show him a magical kitchen photo, circle all the parts you really love, and ask him to execute it – right? You could come back a month later and have the most beautiful kitchen you’d ever seen. It might deviate slightly from ideas you had in your mind (which would more closely resemble Versailles in scale than your house), but it would actually exist. (In my experience existence is a superior quality of things, as compared to the alternative. Also there’s some theology related to this, but let’s stick with kitchens – those are challenging enough.) And then you could make a few tweaks here and there over the years. Workable?
I sympathize with both sides of the equation – I love the GFTs. But I’m also excessively practical, budget-minded, and I am the one executing the vision (without half of Paul’s talent, and also probably he can lift way more – a skill not to be underestimated). So all the arguments you two are having out loud, I am having in my head. (It gets crowded in there.) I can thus tell you from that position of neutrality that sometimes the wrong voice wins. Sometimes I buy something because I can afford it and it’s within 25 miles and I hope it will grow on me, and it doesn’t, and the troll wins in the long run when I have to rip it out, spend more, and do it again, so that it is beautiful. So being too practical is not actually a win. Other times the troll wins and the attempted project is totally infeasible (but not before I’ve spent plenty on materials); or can actually be executed, but is not really functional. Then the practical voice slowly wins as the troll grows to loathe the thing that is interfering with our lives rather than enhancing them. And that has to be ripped out, too. But most of the time the tension leads to a feasible compromise. OK, I wanted soapstone. But I needed a remnant and you can only get soapstone remnants in Pennsylvania and Vermont. And I was not compromising on something ugly. Then one day there was a remnant of honed black granite in the ReStore for $60 and I got a new blade for my saw to cut it to size and everyone lived happily ever after.
That strikes me as the inevitable ending in your case. But in the interest of those of us who have just a bit of a kitchen design addiction (as well as those with a VEB addiction), maybe you could just post your half-finished plans as they develop. Promise I’ll read every word.
November 10, 2014 @ 5:56 pm
Well, I hope you’re happy (if you’re even still reading the comments on this post). I spent an entire day (and two hours last night) reading the entirety of your blog. In my pajama’s. With two cats sleeping on my chest. ALL DAY! I should have stopped after a couple of posts and run to the store for some Depends. As it is I may have to recover my couch. (TMI?)
* Paul should be nominated for an Oscar , the Pulitzer Prize, and Beatification! Oh, and may I borrow him for a year or two?
* You are hi-ster-i-cal. I suppose you know that. But validation is always a good thing.
* I thought the white fabulousness in the post three back would be just right for your kitchen.
* Hurry and finish it.
* Thanks for giving me another place to spend way too much time avoiding my own life (as if Pinterest weren’t enough).
November 11, 2014 @ 10:20 am
Holy crap we would be best friends, but would probably end up covered in paint and glitter with no idea where all the mismatched chairs came from … ohh look unicorns … wait, where was I?
December 30, 2014 @ 9:51 pm
Hey, we all have those moments of frustration sometimes! The fact that you are joking about it must mean you aren’t too mad;)
Keep trucking girl
Victoria
January 9, 2015 @ 12:34 pm
It is a possibility to square off that wall by making some of your indoor space outdoor space? Make a new wall that extends the line of the side of the bathroom wall. (Obviously the bathroom door would need to be changed to the inside wall. You could put the new french doors centered in your new squared interior wall. Outside, you would now have a little back porch with the current steps that cut off the square but at least the inside would be SQUARE. I only have a rudimentary understanding of building but I’m leaning toward it not needing a new foundation or roof rejiggering by moving this wall. The outside porch could have some Victorian columns to take place of the old outside wall.
February 3, 2015 @ 1:03 pm
My husband and I are in the final stages of finishing a MAJOR kitchen remodel, we went from a 1962 9′ x9′ galley of awefulness kitchen to a glorius light filled 20′ x 17′ farmhouse kitchen. When we began he told me I could be in charge of all the design choices (I’m an artist) and all he wanted were solid wood cabinets and a gas range. I should have realized it was too good to be true! Every choice I presented we had knock down, drag out wars over and then he usually agreed to the first thing I offered. WTF?!!! When we first married and remodeled our first house, a 1906 Four Square, I realized the secret to my happiness-He was right for himself and I was right for myself-ie: we agree to disagree on many things. He would do his projects and I would assist as his assistance. I would do my projects the way I wanted to and didn’t ask for his help because he always wanted to do them his way. (When I explained this to him recently the look of guilty realization was worth very minute of working on my projects alone!). I think part of why kitchen remodels are stressful is 1. Huge monetary cost. 2. It’s not like paint color-easy & cheap to do over. 3. You’ll live with bad/wrong for your happiness choices for a really long time. We have white cabinets, white appliances, gray quartz on the perimeter cabinets, sparkly glitter quartz on our navy blue milk paint island, a focal barn wood wall for my white pottery addiction and a barn wood faced fireplace. Do what makes your soul sing and you’ll never regret it.
March 15, 2015 @ 9:29 pm
Hi Victoria! I haven’t visited your blog in a while but thought I’d say hi. I’m local to you (we live in Ambler) and I’m a faithful CL stalker and design addict 🙂 Good luck with your renovation plans – I’m going to try to follow along. Let me know if you ever want to meet up for coffee sometime since I think we might be somewhat close to each other.