The KINGDOM mirror– proving that you NEVER KNOW what is on the other end of a Craigslist ad.
After the Victorian wardrobe salvage saga…
After spending four hours in an unheated building.
After ripping apart a wall with a toothpick.
After loading and unloading a truck until nearly midnight…
Paul told me to stop looking on Craigslist for a while.
He said I had reached my quota.
I nodded and pretended like he was the one who made such decisions.
Then I went and looked on Craigslist.
Now.
Three things:
1. I have a totally ill-advised fondness for anyone named Rocky.
2. Even I can see that a FIFTEEN foot-tall mirror may be too large for our house.
3. It’s probably total junk.
There are lots, and lots, and lots of mirrors in the antique-listings on craigslist. Half of them are junk. The other half aren’t even old. Plus, a posting with no photo is USUALLY a guarantee that it’s not worth your time.
So I closed the tab… and told myself it was nothing.
I certainly didn’t say anything to Paul about it.
But a few weeks later, I saw it again… and the primordial-mirror-troll that lives in my head said– you should find out what that is.
And I was like—look, mirror-troll:
A. Paul’s head will explode.
B. How could I get a 15 FOOT mirror into the house?
And the mirror-troll said— What if it’s fancy?
So I emailed the guy.
Did you read that?
Did you read it closely?
Is there any description that could possibly be more appealing to me than something that looks like a KINGDOM?
No. There is not.
The mirror-troll was like— S.C.O.R.E.
And I said— hold on, twelve-feet is still WAY TOO BIG.
The mirror-troll said—I bet it’s not that big.
I bet they didn’t even measure it.
I BET YOU SHOULD GET IT.
I was like– word.
So on Saturday morning, I said to Paul, casually— do you want to go look at something?
I think his hair actually stood on end.
He was like— WHAT?
No. No, I do not.
I was like— oh, okay, well… we could go this afternoon… if you wanted to.
You know what he said?
Nothing. NOT ONE THING.
That silence USED to make me insane. But now I see it as a stage in the Kübler-Ross model of acceptance.
Not even twenty minutes later, he said— what is this thing you want to see?
To you, this sounds like a question. To me, it sounds like defeat.
So. You can see that this is the smallest house ever.
Which did not at ALL bode well for what I was hoping.
We rang the bell, and the guy came out… He walked past us, down the front steps, and started down the sidewalk.
Paul said—should we follow you? Where are we going?
And the guy said— it’s in the alley, under a tarp… it doesn’t fit in the house.
I really wish I had a photo of the look on Paul’s face.
Paul said— what? How big is this?
The guy said—about 12 feet.
Paul said—TWELVE feet?
I could hear him gritting his teeth.
Sucker.
Sometimes? When Paul is giving me his best stony silence? I just pretend I don’t notice.
It’s way more convenient.
I said cheerfully— that’s NOT twelve feet tall!
Paul acted like this was somehow not of utmost importance.
He said— why did you bring me to look at a mirror that was advertised as 12 feet tall?
And I said— I didn’t.
It was advertised as 15 feet tall.
But I thought they might be wrong.
I guess Paul is jealous of the way the universe is my personal shopper because he didn’t even acknowledge that it’s pretty amazing how I psychically knew this.
To cheer him up, I told him— the guy says it looks like a kingdom.
Paul said— I have no idea what you’re talking about.
I was like— a KINGDOM. Kings? Castles? Have you seen the Vatican?
AND THEN:
I was like– I think I’m going to have a seizure.
The mirror-troll said—I TOLD YOU SO.
Proving for all time, that you NEVER KNOW what is on the other end of a craigslist ad.
It’s probably total crap. But it might be this:
I said— yup. For sure. I will DEFINITELY be needing that.
Let’s pack it up.
Paul said— are you kidding me? Are you even seeing the same thing I am?
And I was like— look at me. Look me in the eye. Do you really believe I am leaving here without this? Because I’m not.
If I have to go on steroids for the next six months? And get a trainer to teach me to dead-lift 1,000 pounds so that I can move it myself?
This will happen.
Paul has this look that he gets. Where CLEARLY he would like to kill someone. But now he is totally inconvenienced because he CAN’T.
Because he has to move a giant mirror.
Obviously, I’m fine with murderous-irritation… it’s a small price to pay for my everlasting happiness.
Besides, it’s not my fault that the universe WANTS ME TO HAVE THESE THINGS.
It is OUTSIDE MY CONTROL.
We went home to get Brian’s truck… and on the way, I texted a photo to my mom.
She said— WOW! I cannot WAIT to see it in your house!
I told Paul— my mom loves it!
Paul said– that’s because everyone in your family is an insane enabler with no concept of reality.
Which is true. And also why I love them.
What’s that?
You’re thinking this does not look totally reasonable?
Well, it is.
All we had to do was lay it on the bed of the truck. And then use the magic straps which, for about five dollars and a lot of irritation, will do everything including hauling giant bookshelves up three flights of stairs.
Which is a whole other post.
Then we drove home on I-95, which is 14-lanes wide… There is nothing like transporting a Kingdom down a freeway, at 60 miles-an-hour, while tractor-trailers blow by you.
You have not experienced the meaning of FUN. Until you have done this.
Especially since everyone got to listen to me say 47,984 times— OH MY GOD I CANNOT BELIEVE WE ARE GETTING THIS. CAN YOU BELIEVE WE ARE GETTING THIS?
OH MY GOD I CANNOT BELIEVE IT.
CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?
Everyone really enjoyed that part.

The guys who helped us get it in the house (and will never help us move anything again because it weighs at least 800 pounds) were like—what are you going to do with it?
And I’m confused by what that question means.
I’m not going to DO anything with it.
It exists. Therefore it is mine.
The end.
see the HUGE Victorian wardrobe we salvaged
the greatest bookcase of all time
antique grand piano we turned into our kitchen island
see ALL my BEST Craigslist finds
May 5, 2018 @ 10:15 pm
Love the way you write! Very funny. Cool kingdom mirror, too. 😊
May 8, 2018 @ 9:07 pm
If you weren’t married and a female you would be my soulmate.😊
The Nuclear War Of Fanciness... *video* - Victoria Elizabeth Barnes
May 9, 2018 @ 2:52 pm
[…] Kingdom Mirror […]
May 9, 2018 @ 6:20 pm
Your husband and mine must be related. I drive him.insane with my finds. If it’s a small one, I don’t say anything. But a mirror that big, no way I could keep it hidden. Nice find.
May 10, 2018 @ 8:54 pm
I dont know which made me laugh more, the size of the mirror or your description of your husbands reaction. I love the mirror, and of course you should have it just because it exists!!
May 15, 2018 @ 7:58 pm
Omg. Thank you for making me laugh. And laugh. And laugh.
May 26, 2018 @ 12:04 pm
It’s. So. Beautiful. “Oogling”
June 9, 2018 @ 1:45 pm
Your story kept me reading until the very last word! I was smiling and laughing and I felt sorry for Paul for a moment or two! Your funny and talented. Keep it up. What a great team you both make.
June 19, 2018 @ 11:27 am
I love your writing skills. The truth laden humor of our own absurdities is absolutely fantastic, and you bring that to life! Enjoy your Kingdom of mirrors! 🤓
June 23, 2018 @ 12:06 am
I have one very similar. Looking to sell it. Jeffrey 478-293-3899
June 23, 2018 @ 8:44 am
OMG!!!! I think we’re related because this sounds like me and at least 4 of my cousins (including the “look of death” by the significant other)! 😂🤣
It’s beautiful!!
June 24, 2018 @ 3:19 pm
Love all your ideas. Love you dreams.
June 25, 2018 @ 11:23 pm
Laughed like you were sitting here telling me in person! Wow that sounds like my life minus the Kingdom and your Prince Charming. Looking forward to your next adventure!
June 29, 2018 @ 4:53 pm
I feel like I just read a “reunited” story about fraternal twins who didn’t know they had a twin and someone intervenes and connects them and the last picture is of them, finally together, at last.
July 7, 2018 @ 6:45 pm
Amazing, that’s it , just amazing.
I’ve had a few of those troll moments myself 😂👍
July 11, 2018 @ 7:30 am
Hi. Have you ever thought you were missing something in life? It’s me. We are twins. We had to have gotten separated at birth. I loved this story!
July 24, 2018 @ 11:07 am
OMG! I wouldn’t have left without that mirror too! 😱
February 7, 2019 @ 10:07 pm
I don’t know who you are, but I love you already. I stumbled across this post, quite by accident. I’m a writer, describing an interior, and was googling “antique mirrors,” and this popped up!
As a woman who has met strangers in alleys, abandoned warehouses, McDonald’s parking lots and farms to make myriad fascinating purchases, your mirror quest is one I admire and respect. I shall be eagerly reading more of your posts, and will eventually get back to that interior description – which prominently features a massive mirror.
Kindest regards and best wishes for future treasure hunting.
March 10, 2019 @ 11:27 am
I start making funny little choked snorty sounds trying to keep from laughing out loud ad EVERYTHING you write. EVERYTHING. Thank you for existing.
October 9, 2019 @ 6:10 pm
Thank you! I haven’t laughed that hard- to tears!- in a while. Laughing is a huge cleansing and I sure needed it. Thank you!