My people… If I could lock you in my basement, I would.
I have never once in my entire life done anything practical.
I have spent 36 years wearing a superhero cape and telling people I have magical powers.
I have leaped off more buildings than I can count.
Screaming—I’M SUPERMAN.
And then crashing into the pavement.
It has given me all kinds of problems.
Not to mention whiplash.
And also the realization that I lack the gene to learn from my mistakes.
In its place, I got an extra gene. Of self-delusion.
The ability to cling to an idea regardless of reality.
Q: Where did Rocky get the Kingdom mirror?
Rocky does clean-outs. It was in a storage unit.
Q: How tall? Slightly over 8′. Ceiling is 9′.
I started this blog with the conviction that people would find me via magic and unicorns.
And the disparity between what my imagination had planned, and actual reality?
Has been a little soul-crushing.
And irritating.
Not to mention how unicorns are totally unreliable. Flaky.
So distracted by rainbows and deep-conditioning their manes.
But I have told myself that if I JUST KEPT GOING. It would be worth it.
After all, my parents promised me that hard work always pays off.
Although, I don’t think they took into consideration how one day I might wake up and decide to spend all my free time doing what is essentially quirky performance-art for strangers.
That’s what blogging is: the millennium-version of mimes. You don’t see those people anymore, do you? No. You don’t. They all went home and washed their faces and started a blog.
The story of the mirror in the foyer is here. If you want to know how we mounted it to the wall.
For an entire year, I have been standing on your lawn in my mime-outfit.
In the rain and the snow.
Believing that if I loved you enough.
SURELY YOU WOULD LOVE ME BACK.
But sometime in the last few months, I started to doubt my plan.
I was cold. And tired. And it was like you didn’t even see me.
Was I at the right house?
Were you away?
And I started to notice that there were all kinds of other mimes on your lawn.
Squatters. Vying for your attention.
Some of them had way nicer leotards than me.
I wanted to kick them all in the shin.
Until last Tuesday. When the unicorns FINALLY showed up.
It would be impossible for me to overstate my euphoria.
Which for most people translates into gratitude to a higher power… and for me, translates into wanting to lock you all in my basement so you can never leave me.
For a week, I did nothing but sit in front of my pageview-counter and hit refresh.
Refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh.
Refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh.
REFRESH.
REFRESH.
It was the most productive week of my life.
I totally abandoned all pretense of real work. Or real life. Or real anything.
I am the last person on the planet who has actual paperwork to deal with, and I just lit it on fire.
I stopped answering email.
I ate peanut butter out of the jar and let the laundry pile up.
I did not shower or brush my teeth.
When people asked me if I’d finished x or y or z.
I just screamed at them—MY BLOG!!!!
MY PEOPLE.
THEY EXIST.
And if they didn’t understand, I tried to convey my sheer, overwhelming joy, through interpretative dance.
Every single thing that I have ever failed to do has been rectified by the fact that 55,000 people shared me on Facebook.
If that doesn’t make sense to you, that’s fine. But this is a blog about me.
The people I’ve been looking for ALL MY LIFE.
Actually exist.
They feel that they ARE me.
And I am them.
This is going in my file titled: proof.
Proof of what exactly? I don’t know.
Proof, which Paul points out is both unpaid, AND has me awake at three A.M.
Manic and clutching my phone to see if anyone else liked me on Facebook.
If YOU are one of the twenty-seven billion people on Facebook who have NOT liked me?
I don’t know why you would do that to yourself.
You can go ahead and fix that right now.
I spent the first three days swinging from the chandelier. And throwing myself on the floor in delight. And jumping up and doing it again. Because with me, once is never enough.
All day, and all night, I hunched over my keyboard. Rubbing my hands together and mumbling: come on baby. Hit me. Hit me. Hit me.
Biting my nails that the highlight of my entire life was happening RIGHT NOW.
And trying to divide 55,000 Facebook shares into the scope of human existence.
By the fifth day. I was mostly sitting in a corner. Rocking back-and-forth and sobbing.
Because nothing this good will ever happen again.
Basically, my life is over.
Like if Christmas only came once in your entire life.
And after that, you had to live in a dark hole.
No matter HOW GOOD the presents were?
I don’t think anyone would be very excited about that.
I will love you EVEN MORE… if you share me with your friends.
July 3, 2013 @ 10:20 pm
Found you from a facebook share from Mandy Fish. Who you’ll probably meet in Chicago this month. As she was nominated as one of BlogHer’s voices of the year. JUST LIKE YOU!!!!!! Huge congratulations to you and heading on over to the facebook now to like you. Get ready to refresh.
July 4, 2013 @ 4:34 am
SO GLAD I FOUND YOU!! How can I read you archives older than 12 months? Absolutely addicted!!
…and my husband wants to start a self help group with Paul for husbands with impractical wives…. he must have a friend who is married to one… 😉
July 4, 2013 @ 11:00 am
Might give some credit to Momastery. She posted it on FB. Glad she did!
July 4, 2013 @ 11:52 am
Hilarious! You always get me cracking up!! Still drooling over that mirror and congrats on the FB Shares I think I would be swinging from the chandelier and throwing myself on the ground too LOL!!
July 4, 2013 @ 2:09 pm
My husband and I have been renovating our house for the past two years and just found out the army is moving us to Germany. The last two months have been full of caffeine addiction and little sleep as we have prepared to put the product of our sweat, tears, and lots of money on the market! A friend of mine shared your Craigslist post on fb which led me to read about your adventure with renovation! I was crying/laughing so hard my husband couldn’t understand me as I read to him! I believe he thought I had finally lost it! Thank you!!!
July 5, 2013 @ 4:19 pm
I met you through the Craig’s List post that someone (thank Heaven) shared on FB. It was immediate love. I adore you. You are so funny. I want you to be my new BFF. I now stalk, I mean FOLLOW your blog. I will spend the rest of my life reading EVERY SINGLE POST that I missed while I was unaware of your existence. To make up for that fact, I just liked you on FB. Only because there was not an adore button.
**blows kisses**
Deborah
July 6, 2013 @ 6:39 am
ah…such refreshing honesty! such brilliant description! such entertainment! blogging isn’t for me, but love the way you blog!
keep on keeping on and I will keep on checking impatiently (daily? um, no, twice daily? um, no, thrice daily? that’d be closer to the truth XD) waiting for another of your amazingly refreshing posts!!!
July 6, 2013 @ 9:23 pm
you had me literally crying with laughter! of course you are well liked! intelligent ,humorous, talented and entertaining. and POPULAR if that is the word you want to hear! jody
July 6, 2013 @ 9:28 pm
I swear we are kindred spirits! I love your posts and also found you through the hilarity of that craigslist post (and then went back and read your entire blog *ahem*). So glad you got to enjoy the spotlight because you deserve it!
July 7, 2013 @ 10:32 am
You have me totally hooked! I love how you were able to document the whole thing while the guys did all the work!
July 7, 2013 @ 3:25 pm
Hahahaha!!! I am rolling on the floor laughing at how you convince your DH something is a good idea, even though in the real world with educated people who know about these things, it isn’t supposed to be. I have a habit of deciding something will be done and letting DH figure out the logistics. I convinced him we could put a one piece tub into our 30 year old home by cutting holes in the walls through to the bathroom. Oh and removing a window to bring it into the house and since the window was out we might as well install a patio door and then let the tub sit in the corner of our partially renovated kitchen for a year while we did a few other things.
I figure these poor men either love us dearly or are just hanging on so tight for the ride they can’t let go!
Happy renos! 😀
July 7, 2013 @ 8:17 pm
Hi Jody,
I love your posts they are smart, funny and very entertaining. I also have a blog also called Tenant Proof about making your house easy to clean through the design choices you make. I love old houses and old style kitchens and bathrooms, unpainted woodwork and a classic style that stands the test of time and I love Victorian homes. Alas the tone of my blog is not as fun or interesting as yours. I feel like a professor lecturing at a podium. I love your pier mirror with built in closets and the beautiful bathroom cabinet you had your husband build in the wall studs. A beautiful and very functional piece. You are a great inspiration. I especially like your Hey! You look fantastic! How about leaving a comment. Thank you and keep on posting.
July 7, 2013 @ 11:33 pm
Just discovered you via Heidi Swanson. I would gladly visit your basement! I liked you and shared you on FB. I am nothing like you, but I must know about those Craig’s List finds!!!
July 10, 2013 @ 7:51 am
You are my new blog crush! I’m so happy to see that your blog took off overnight, because if it hadn’t I’m not sure I would have found you!
July 10, 2013 @ 8:53 am
I love your blog…extremely interesting and written in a enjoyable and comical dialogue!!! I have carried many treasures home but none compare to yours. Voila!!!
July 10, 2013 @ 6:01 pm
Thank you ,so much Victoria E. Barnes for showing us your passion filled blogs.. The Blogs have made me laugh so hard . And believe me I know, what you mean when said your husband just gives you that look of what are you crazy !!! I must say I get that look often. Just recently we went on a craigslist adventure that would classify me as one of those creative thinking individuals . However, I must say I love your honesty and how you seem to capture the true meaning of blogging. To be quit frank to show exactly how much I enjoy reading your blogs I must tell you that your the very first blog that I have ever posted a response to.. Yes I’m computer literate ..lol I just usually sit back and read blogs. BUT you yes you have inspired me to the point of Bogging my very first response .. Keep up the great work .. and SCORE on the Disco Ball.. If you ever decide to get rid of it send it my way..lol remember you said you get back your money what you buy from craigslist that way you never spend any money.. So True by the way.. Since the disco ball was free I’m willing to be it’s rightful owner when your done with it..J.S.. Keep up the great work.. Kat aka curbside diva
July 11, 2013 @ 3:03 am
A new concept… your blog as family therapy…
I printed your Kingdom Mirror post and mailed it to my Mum (who does not have a PC) and highlighted the bit about you calling your Mum ( “and on the way, I texted a photo to my mom. She said— WOW! I cannot WAIT to see it in your house! I told Paul—my mom loves it!Paul said– that’s because everyone in your family is an insane enabler with no concept of reality. Which is true. And also why I love them.”) with a scribbled note next to it saying “this was the bit Mike most related to! Thanks for always being such a great believer in my plans” and she rang me crying when she got it to say her Mum had always poured cold water on her ideas and she had worked hard as she raised us to make sure she encouraged us and, even if she thought things were crazy, made sure we knew she was behind us. I never knew any of this history. Thanks for making my Mum feel so great about herself. xx
July 12, 2013 @ 8:32 am
Ok, we were separated at birth. This is soooo what I have done, would do again. Like how could you NOT go look at it and how could you NOT buy it on the spot and how could you NOT know that of course you would find THE PERFECT PLACE for it in your house! Got your back, sistah!
July 12, 2013 @ 7:42 pm
OH MY GOODNESS thank you for sharing this! I have felt the same way & would feel the exact same way if that ever happened to me. I once had a post shared over 11,000 times & I felt like a freaking crack addict. Here’s the link, just in case, ya know, ya wanna check me out. LOL =)
http://www.patheos.com/blogs/wordynerdy/2013/04/why-i-hate-the-images-from-kabul-and-syria-to-boston/
July 12, 2013 @ 10:00 pm
Aha! Mystery solved. Now I know how you managed to respond to every single ping and mention and like and tweet. 😉
I understand – on a smaller level. I blogged about two different cakes two years ago, and the internets went crazy. Well, you know, crazy in comparison to the numbers I’d seen EVER BEFORE IN MY LIFE. I did a lot of the refreshing and rocking in the corner then, too.
And, just in case you haven’t heard it from a bajillion people already, your post – and your entire blog – is outstanding. So the astronomical numbers? WELL-DESERVED.