My people… If I could lock you in my basement, I would.
I have never once in my entire life done anything practical.
I have spent 36 years wearing a superhero cape and telling people I have magical powers.
I have leaped off more buildings than I can count.
Screaming—I’M SUPERMAN.
And then crashing into the pavement.
It has given me all kinds of problems.
Not to mention whiplash.
And also the realization that I lack the gene to learn from my mistakes.
In its place, I got an extra gene. Of self-delusion.
The ability to cling to an idea regardless of reality.
Q: Where did Rocky get the Kingdom mirror?
Rocky does clean-outs. It was in a storage unit.
Q: How tall? Slightly over 8′. Ceiling is 9′.
I started this blog with the conviction that people would find me via magic and unicorns.
And the disparity between what my imagination had planned, and actual reality?
Has been a little soul-crushing.
And irritating.
Not to mention how unicorns are totally unreliable. Flaky.
So distracted by rainbows and deep-conditioning their manes.
But I have told myself that if I JUST KEPT GOING. It would be worth it.
After all, my parents promised me that hard work always pays off.
Although, I don’t think they took into consideration how one day I might wake up and decide to spend all my free time doing what is essentially quirky performance-art for strangers.
That’s what blogging is: the millennium-version of mimes. You don’t see those people anymore, do you? No. You don’t. They all went home and washed their faces and started a blog.
The story of the mirror in the foyer is here. If you want to know how we mounted it to the wall.
For an entire year, I have been standing on your lawn in my mime-outfit.
In the rain and the snow.
Believing that if I loved you enough.
SURELY YOU WOULD LOVE ME BACK.
But sometime in the last few months, I started to doubt my plan.
I was cold. And tired. And it was like you didn’t even see me.
Was I at the right house?
Were you away?
And I started to notice that there were all kinds of other mimes on your lawn.
Squatters. Vying for your attention.
Some of them had way nicer leotards than me.
I wanted to kick them all in the shin.
Until last Tuesday. When the unicorns FINALLY showed up.
It would be impossible for me to overstate my euphoria.
Which for most people translates into gratitude to a higher power… and for me, translates into wanting to lock you all in my basement so you can never leave me.
For a week, I did nothing but sit in front of my pageview-counter and hit refresh.
Refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh.
Refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh.
REFRESH.
REFRESH.
It was the most productive week of my life.
I totally abandoned all pretense of real work. Or real life. Or real anything.
I am the last person on the planet who has actual paperwork to deal with, and I just lit it on fire.
I stopped answering email.
I ate peanut butter out of the jar and let the laundry pile up.
I did not shower or brush my teeth.
When people asked me if I’d finished x or y or z.
I just screamed at them—MY BLOG!!!!
MY PEOPLE.
THEY EXIST.
And if they didn’t understand, I tried to convey my sheer, overwhelming joy, through interpretative dance.
Every single thing that I have ever failed to do has been rectified by the fact that 55,000 people shared me on Facebook.
If that doesn’t make sense to you, that’s fine. But this is a blog about me.
The people I’ve been looking for ALL MY LIFE.
Actually exist.
They feel that they ARE me.
And I am them.
This is going in my file titled: proof.
Proof of what exactly? I don’t know.
Proof, which Paul points out is both unpaid, AND has me awake at three A.M.
Manic and clutching my phone to see if anyone else liked me on Facebook.
If YOU are one of the twenty-seven billion people on Facebook who have NOT liked me?
I don’t know why you would do that to yourself.
You can go ahead and fix that right now.
I spent the first three days swinging from the chandelier. And throwing myself on the floor in delight. And jumping up and doing it again. Because with me, once is never enough.
All day, and all night, I hunched over my keyboard. Rubbing my hands together and mumbling: come on baby. Hit me. Hit me. Hit me.
Biting my nails that the highlight of my entire life was happening RIGHT NOW.
And trying to divide 55,000 Facebook shares into the scope of human existence.
By the fifth day. I was mostly sitting in a corner. Rocking back-and-forth and sobbing.
Because nothing this good will ever happen again.
Basically, my life is over.
Like if Christmas only came once in your entire life.
And after that, you had to live in a dark hole.
No matter HOW GOOD the presents were?
I don’t think anyone would be very excited about that.
I will love you EVEN MORE… if you share me with your friends.
July 2, 2013 @ 7:36 pm
I feel an odd sense of pride that I found you just a few weeks before you became famous (I’m your hipster blog reader, this means). Winning.
July 2, 2013 @ 7:49 pm
Congratulations!! So fantastic that being unique and having great writing skills can generate this much love! Not to mention your relentless determination to figure out how to do this stuff.
July 2, 2013 @ 7:56 pm
Your blog makes me happy on SO many levels. I have been laughing out LOUD as I have read and re-read many of your posts … and SHARED them with FRIENDS!! Keep on keepin’ on, girl!! You put a smile on a lot of lives this past week!!
July 2, 2013 @ 8:00 pm
“And if they didn’t understand, I tried to convey my sheer, overwhelming joy, through interpretative dance.” That’s the best way to do it!! :^)
July 2, 2013 @ 8:43 pm
What, you weren’t world famous already, before the unicorns? I’ve been following your blog for a few months now, but I’m not on facebook or twitter – sorry about that, so my understanding of ‘likes’ and ‘follows’ is severely underdone.
I just assumed that a writer so gifted and full of joy and fun had to be ‘world famous’ by now! Well its only a matter of time. Can’t wait for your first novel or design self help book or whatever it is that decide to write as well as your blog. I know I will enjoy it as much as I’m enjoying your blog. Please don’t ever stop writing – you have an army of admirers – waaay too many for your basement.
Cheers T.
July 2, 2013 @ 8:45 pm
Is your basement decorated like the rest of your house? Does it have cool mirrors? I’m there – count me in for the party!
July 2, 2013 @ 10:00 pm
Hi! I also found you last week when one of the bloggers I read often shared your post on twitter. I loved your story and reminds me of how I can be about items I live and how my husband acts just like yours about it. I will be reading. Keep going.
Btw why are they called unicorns and not …. Unihorns?
July 2, 2013 @ 10:20 pm
Your mirror story is like The Bloggess’s Rooster (knock knock mofos!) . The post went viral, she got a ton of new readers and then used her power for good :-).
I have full faith this is just the start of your unicorn ride. Party on!
July 2, 2013 @ 10:27 pm
i too found you from a facebook share and have made your blog one of the three windows that open to a page when i log onto the internet.
so, you are now one of the only 4 pages that i visit every time i am on the internet.
you have not let me down and i have been reading the older blog entries, as well.
write on, write on, for you are awesome………. not as awesome as that mirror and his twin but awesome none the less.
July 2, 2013 @ 11:23 pm
You currently have me wishing I lived in a town that had cool antiques and fun things to discover on craigslist.
July 3, 2013 @ 2:03 am
Kinships exist! Vy, Katie and many others express exactly my sentiments and heart felt feelings of pure enjoyment at your blog, excellent writing, fabulous storytelling and humor. We are all nut cakes! I am so relieved to know that I am not alone in my craziness and love and desire for anything old and fabulous! I look forward to each posting and only wish I could share some of my treasures and fabulous finds! Thank you!
July 3, 2013 @ 6:33 am
I would have liked you on Facebook, but I don’t have an account. Add another one to your basement.
July 3, 2013 @ 9:37 am
I love you! Your enthusiasm is a joy to behold. Everything you have gotten for your house, I want. (Even though my house is crammed full already!) Keep up the good work! Here’s a bit of inspiration–in my marriage of 40+ years, I was the Paul and my husband was the Victoria. Gradually, he won me over. Now I’m as crazy (or sane?) As he is.
July 3, 2013 @ 9:42 am
I read your post and immediately read about 27 more, abandoning all pretense of the work I had to do that day. Then I subscribed (I don’t do a lot of Facebook following, but I probably will with yours if it’s as funny as your blog…) via RSS.
Love it! From one fixer upper to another!
July 3, 2013 @ 9:43 am
You are hilarious! I shared your bit about the kingdom-licious mirror, and the next day I noticed 1/2 my friends had done so, too! I can’t speak for the other 1/2 – they are probably just acquaintances anyway 🙂 Love the mime analogy, too! Do you have any bits about chicken treasures? I would love to have you guest post on my blog!
July 3, 2013 @ 10:56 am
I think you need to add a button on your blog so people can donate money to you. Because you SHOULD be paid for all this amazing-ness 🙂
July 3, 2013 @ 12:58 pm
I just found your blog a few days ago. I’ve read a bunch of it, and I think I have a girl crush on you. Will you be my best friend? I’m lots of fun, and freaking hilarious. Really. And I make a mean frozen mangolemonadetequila!
July 3, 2013 @ 1:01 pm
Do not ever, ever, ever, EVER stop blogging. I cannot express how much I LOVE everything you write. Even thinking about your posts makes me smile. I’ve been going through a really crappy time over the last few months and your writing is one of the high spots in my day. I’m sure I’m not the only one.
July 3, 2013 @ 1:23 pm
There’s a typo in that link. Sorry.
July 3, 2013 @ 2:21 pm
Several weeks ago, I shared your blog with my daughter and daughter-in-law on facebook. We’re all in the midst of bathroom remodels, and I thought it would encourage them to know that others have trodden that road before them, and even lived to tell the story! Although few have told it the way you have.
Carry on!
Love the blog!
July 3, 2013 @ 3:48 pm
Girl! You are so funny! As someone else wrote, you will have more Christmases.