Holiday MashUp: where I lure you in with an abundance of sparkly Christmas stuff, but then discuss the prevalence of luxury-home blogs.
Hey there! If you’re here for the sparkly stuff? Welcome!
This blog is TOTALLY ALL ABOUT SPARKLY STUFF.
If you’re here for my mind-bogglingly amazing writing skills? Also, welcome.
I don’t break them out as often as the disco balls, but when I do, it’s fantastic.
When we moved here, all of a sudden I was tasked with juggling the design of renovating an entire house.
Which, objectively? Does not seem that hard… It already had walls and floors and rooms. So what is there to really design?
Obviously, this is stupid and speaks to my absolute dearth of knowledge about anything house-related.
After our move, and my self-appointment as captain of incessant decision-making… It didn’t take long for me to morph into someone who spent ALL their free time looking at house-stuff on the internet. Which? In case you didn’t know? There is a lot of it.
Somewhere in that immersion, I discovered blogs.
A good blog is like finding the exact friend you need right at that moment… Someone who WANTS to hear all about grout width.
If blogs provided free drinks, no one would ever leave.
And eventually, I had the same thought nine-million other people have had:
I should write a blog!
You have this realization in a gauzy, epiphany-like state. Where you marvel at how OBVIOUS it is. But fail to comprehend just how equally obvious it was to the other nine-million people who have already beaten you to the punch.
Despite the fact that my favorite blogs were like reading something that could have come out of my own head? I immediately abandoned the idea of writing about anything real.
I wanted one of those luxe lifestyle blogs.
I wanted a header that depicted my lavishly-decorated Christmas mantel.
I wanted to showcase my nineteen live Christmas trees… strung with antique mercury glass ornaments… and talk about making bows from ribbon, woven from silk thread, dating from the Ming dynasty.
I wanted to bemoan the difficulty of choosing a Molteni range over a La Cornue.
Despite the fact that I do not think chevron is important, or believe that anything equestrian-related belongs in your home.
Despite the fact that I cannot imagine the posturing involved in reupholstering your sofa with antique linen recovered from the basement of an Irish convent.
Despite the fact that I do not wear Tory Burch, or kitten heels, or Capri pants, or wax my eyebrows, or drive a Mercedes, or vacation in Palm Beach?
Despite all of that…
That’s exactly what I planned for my blog—to join the ranks of the perfectly-coiffed.
Something about that lush, hyper-decorated corner of the internet sets off my competition-alarm like nothing else.
I will be Slim Paley meets Velvet and Linen. I will do it all with ease and panache. I do not need your hairstylist or your private plane or your English country house.
I can collect more inspiration pictures, feature more marble countertops, show you more overstuffed, overpriced, overdone interiors. Show you more dried flowers, antique light fixtures, rustic carriage houses, reclaimed coffee tables …
I will do ALL of that.
TONIGHT.
I will take over the internet in no time at all.
I will be Diana Vreeland meets Architectural Digest meets Dorothy Parker.
I will stop dressing like a homeless person. I will throw away my old sweatpants and ratty t-shirts and wear Kate Spade at all times, even at eight o’clock on a Saturday morning.
Except—oh my God. Do you have any idea how many other people have already thought of that? Why are there SO MANY other blogs? Don’t you people have anything better to do?
No matter. Some perverse personality trait of mine is where I get an idea. And don’t bother to stop and think whether it’s good/reasonable/feasible.
I take to my projects with single-minded craziness. It doesn’t matter what it is. If you need something done with precision and perfection and tiny useless details. And you don’t mind waiting twelve times longer than I said it would take me? And maybe in the end I bail on you because it’s just too much for me? I am your person.
For about three months, I toiled under the delusion that soon, everyone on the internet was going to find me. Quickly. And that I’d better be prepared for the incoming hordes.
Because that’s how it works—all you need is an idea, and a blog. And then Home Depot comes to your house and gives you a giant banner advertisement and a crown… and boots Young House Love off their advertising pedestal and replaces them with you—an older, not-nearly-as-cute couple. Who is way more irritable and on the verge of project-induced divorce.
This was pretty exciting to me… I have been waiting to be famous since I was three.
I mean, I’ve totally neglected to learn to sing. Or act. Or build microchips. Or marry the Prime Minister of France. Or get giant breast implants. Or write a book. Or commit any nefarious crimes. Or develop an Elvis-impersonation act.
Which has kind of worried me in the last few years… Crossing the threshold to thirty, without having a hit single or sleeping with Channing Tatum was eye-opening. How had I failed to do the really important things in life?
But I guess it wasn’t really THAT eye-opening since I made it another five years before realizing that I was officially no longer on the list where somehow you just randomly get famous. I think the cutoff is thirty-two.
So I was incredibly relieved that FINALLY, the heavens had revealed my true destiny. Because, you know, SO MANY bloggers have gained fame and accolade. And Pulitzers and ticker-tape parades. And gold bars and a knighthood. And also a mansion where I do not have to vacuum my own rugs.
Thank you, God. I hate vacuuming so much.
So I got busy. Really busy. With my blog… my new project. My new dedication.
I texted Slim Paley: you’d better just pack it in, lady… there’s a newer, slimmer, paler blogger in town.
I sat in front of my computer and rubbed my hands together and got started.
And? It turns out that I can’t even muster the mental-energy to tell you where I got my bathroom sink faucets. Let alone feature someone else’s vintage luggage collection.
Or care about a million-dollar kitchen that’s already been featured ten-thousand other places because the entire thing, including the trash can, is made out of pure marble.
However? I could write you a ten-page essay on the ways that a house remodel becomes an extreme, marriage Petri dish.
I could also write you a ten-page essay on how much I love my cat… which you can look forward to, at some point in the future.
In fact, I could write endlessly about any of the following:
• The boy I almost married.
• The time my best friend and I had an eye-clawing fight over a man with a ponytail.
• How recently, I was scammed out of $200.
Not due to some sophisticated legerdemain, on the scammer’s part. But due solely to my own eagerness to believe the unbelievable. Plowing past red-flag after red-flag after red-flag.
And how, in my ongoing efforts to add idiocy on top of idiocy and never think anything through… I gave him extra, to reward the almost unbelievable turn of events.
But you know what? I cannot tell you HOW MUCH EASIER it would be: to feature some dream kitchen/private stone quarry/parking-garage-for-appliances-that-cost-more-than-a-car.
And? You know what else? That is what people are looking for: marble kitchens. Also marble bathrooms. Probably also marble doghouses.
You know what people are not searching for? Yes. Correct. This. Right here.
The rough draft of this post is now clocking in at 9 pages. Not double spaced.
Do you have any idea of the energy it takes to:
A-write 9 pages about a topic that is not even remotely search-engine friendly, so that maybe a few people will read it?
B- edit those pages down to no more than five, so that the few people who DO read it, do not abandon you halfway through?
C- apply some element of writing 101 where you have a plot, an arc, a beginning, a conclusion?
DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT I AM DOING HERE PEOPLE?
This is work. And? I hate it. This is not why I started a blog. AT ALL.
Where is my fame? Where is my fortune? Where are my 100,000 visitors per day?
WHERE ARE YOU???
I’ll tell you where you are—you’re out there googling Christmas craft projects.
see all my holiday decorations & Christmas house tour
December 5, 2012 @ 10:27 am
You had me a long time ago. But you REALLY had me at “If blogs provided free drinks, no one would ever leave.” Can we somehow institute this/invent this? I’m sick of this BYOB situation 🙂 Funny post! 🙂
December 5, 2012 @ 4:21 pm
We would be so golden if we invented drinks-via-internet.
Plus, imagine how much funnier and more interesting we would seem… if our readers were intoxicated.
December 5, 2012 @ 11:36 pm
What a fine job of using those disco balls. They could easily appear tacky, but you successfully merged them with traditional holiday decor. You rock!
December 6, 2012 @ 8:52 am
I happen to agree with you. (Surprise.) Disco balls are surprisingly classic. Elegant, even. I’m surprised they don’t use them to decorate Versailles.
December 6, 2012 @ 2:30 am
Oh sweet lady… your blog is one of my favorites! Hands down!! Your humor and authenticity is unlike anyone else. Anyone can write about marble… most of those blogs take themselves far too seriously and don’t offer a unique perspective. You just keep letting your freak flag fly and be sure to let me borrow your private jet someday.
PS. I was so happy to open our box of Christmas decorations and discover that I had purchased three disco balls last year. You’d be so proud!
December 6, 2012 @ 6:59 pm
You’re the best… seriously.
My freak flag is super shiny and also pretty big and unwieldy. Sometimes it’s hard to tell if I am just blinding myself with its sparklyness.
If any of the people I’ve “met” get a private jet they really need to whisk the rest of us off to a private island for a weekend of coconut drinks.
I hope you are planning to feature your disco balls prominently. 🙂
December 7, 2012 @ 6:46 pm
1. You have a gazillionty comments! Amazeballs!
2. I am really upset to hear about 32 being the cut off. I am 32 and a month and some change-old. Curses.
3. I found disco ball ornaments today!
4. I briefly blabbed about them and linked to you!
5. I love lists almost as much as I love exclamation points!
6. Somehow I missed that your source for the big disco balls was that store that it is until now, and now I am trying to figure out a way to get to Greensboro for work and sneak over to that store to get my fix in the next two days. (This will not happen.)
7. I follow quirky people more than I follow the really successful people. Usually they bore me, except for YHL, because they are quirky for reals.
December 8, 2012 @ 8:23 am
I am sorry to be the one to break the news about your now-ineligible-for-random-fame-age. Although, it is possible that since you are still actually 32, it might happen in the next 11 months, so maybe don’t write it off entirely.
If you manage to go to The Christmas Tree Shop, you should probably call first… on one of my previous posts, someone commented that she went to her’s and they were all sold out. I like to think that I have caused a spike in disco ball consumption…
The bad thing about having a lot of comments is when you have to go back to the normal amount… I’ve written about blogging three times, and each time have gotten an amazing response. We’re all here toiling away at our blogs, but not necessarily talking about the specific experience.
December 8, 2012 @ 8:31 am
p.s.- I think your spam filter ate my comment on your post?
December 14, 2012 @ 3:45 pm
I think so too. I am confuzzilpated. I cannot find it, though I look very hard.
December 17, 2012 @ 1:47 am
I just laughed the entire way through that post! I would definitely read more. Thank you for making me giggle at 2am after I’ve been on Pinterest for so long my eyes are burning. 🙂 But I had to find a good bow tutorial! First, I got side tracked for a few hours on felt flowers. Then remembered why I got on Pintrest in the first place, lol. Thank you, I love your humor. I very much appreciate it.
December 17, 2012 @ 9:53 am
THANK YOU so much for the comment. You totally made my day.
I’m resisting the urge to go look at whatever felt flowers consumed you… for me, Pinterest is an absolute black hole. I’ve been alarmed at the amount of time I’ve unintentionally spent there… going in for one thing, and coming out hours later— irritated and cranky.
If you try the bows, I hope they work for you!!
January 12, 2013 @ 8:55 pm
The decorations look so magical and beautiful. I love the way the mirror balls cast speckled light all around.
January 13, 2013 @ 12:24 pm
I absolutely love them!! I’m finally getting around to taking the holiday stuff down, and the porch is sad to be way less fancy!
January 13, 2013 @ 9:40 pm
I know how you feel. It’s sad taking down all the festive pretty decorations. But your porch still looks great with or without them.
January 14, 2013 @ 11:01 am
The entire inside of the house looks empty… it should feel less cluttered, but it just feels empty!!
March 28, 2013 @ 5:36 pm
Popping over from PSMM… love your site… love that it is filled with sparkle and that you don’t think that much of chevron! Great post and love the blog!
March 28, 2013 @ 8:51 pm
Hi! Thanks for the visit!! I got sucked into your site… (clearly you too have a thing for pretty shiny things…) Your blog is fantastic. I have about a thousand questions for you…I’ll try to narrow it down to only a few.
May 17, 2013 @ 3:22 pm
I’ve run across you at Apartment Therapy and That Home Site a few times, and just got sucked into your blog, and I have to say: You. Are. Freaking. Hilarious. Smart, funny, and you have a wonderful way of iterating all the mad, obsessive home-renovation-and-decor thoughts we’re all too shy to say out loud. Bookmarking. Thank you.
May 18, 2013 @ 6:15 pm
I love you. You made my weekend. (Possibly my month, if nothing else really exciting happens.)
THANK you.
May 18, 2013 @ 10:11 am
I just questioned my husband as to whether I had multiple personality disorder and just found myself on the internet. Disco ball conversations have been had around here lately, especially at dinner, where I first thought I could slide the idea in, under the radar.
And when I read about the way you get an idea? OMG – this IS me! I found ME – on the internet! No wonder my own little blog is hobbling along with approximately 88 page loads a day – 77 of those probably being me, 5 from my husband, trying to see where the crazy train is headed next. Which leaves 6 actual possible hits a day from outside our own house. One of those will undoubtedly be my mother. So five. And how many of those are google web-crawly bots? I assure you I do not want to know the answer.
P.S. I need to fill my van with disco balls. Do you think it would cause a lot of accidents on the way home? I would ask you to come along, but if you are one of me already, then you can not do it. Or you already are. Glass half empty/hall full.
May 18, 2013 @ 6:38 pm
I have to tell you that it never occurred to be that bots count as pageviews. Surely this cannot be correct? That would just be… cruel?
I’m pretty sure that filling your van with disco balls is an acceptable road hazard. I mean, it’s just part of life—something necessary and unavoidable. Right? Why else would they MAKE mini-vans?
December 15, 2015 @ 3:18 pm
Hi!
I feel like I know you for years because I like the fun and easygoing person you are. =D
Your creative is so awesome! Wondering do you make a video of the disco balls decoration out the porch for us to see what it looks like when the sparkles move around in the house and the porch? =)
My four cats, three of them are black and white cow patches (Rocky, Maggie, Freckles) and one is gray and white (Prime), yes that’s his name). They think your cat Elvis is pretty!
Linda
June 8, 2013 @ 10:43 am
I am a newbie over here… so glad I found you today when you followed me on Twitter… I love your fab kind of funny and your home is a drool worthy project… very jealous am I!
“Bespoke Design Blog Princess ” was a role I thought I wanted until I started blogging and realized our life and project adventures for our own home and client projects were far more real and entertaining… at least that is what I keep telling myself! 😉
I am adding you to my “List” girl, you have a new follower in blogland! In fact, I am adding you to my “Blogs I Love” list down my sidebar.
July 1, 2013 @ 5:28 am
Still laughing! You write what I think….and i only have ONE funny blog post about my Halloween treats last fall…..ah, well….I can’t have everything I guess! Love your thought process….it’s also MY though process! You are too funny!
hearts,
Betsy
PS I have to go to bed it is 2:30 am and i am still reading your blog posts! I think I am addicted….again…. to something new…..*Pfffffff*
July 2, 2013 @ 3:00 pm
Johnny come late but at least I’m here! and loving it!
Enjoying catching up on your posts and also following on FB.
One day will get my butt into gear with my blog/website (in design phase)
But am more visual so the words take more time …
I enjoy your point of view and will be a follower.
July 6, 2013 @ 8:14 pm
I am having fun following the ups and downs of not being famous, then being shared by droves and such. I too began a blog with dreams of something- mine were not quite as clear cut as yours but I was sorely disappointed by the lack of noticing me on the interweb at large. At any rate, blog on impractical embellishing one! I’m totally enjoying it!
July 10, 2013 @ 2:00 am
I was not going to comment because I thought, “This lady doesn’t know me. She has ten million other comments to read, I should not add to her burden” but then I considered what you said about loving your readers, etc. I totally understand the insecurities of having a blog. (Mine is brand new in it’s current format on Blogger, so I’m super sketched out about starting all over.) And I thought, “I don’t care if I had 1,000 comments to read on my blog, they would all be precious.” So now that I wasted a bunch of your time explaining why I’m wasting a bunch of your time, I just hope you get a warm fuzzy feeling that one more person thinks you’re totally awesome! I don’t even need the remodeling advice (I WISH WISH WISH I did!) I just think you’re fun!
July 10, 2013 @ 6:50 pm
You are a breath of fresh air! So glad I tripped across your blog, I am off to read more and I am wishing an amazing sponsor/s finds their way to your blog.
July 11, 2013 @ 5:29 pm
For the record, I have NO IDEA how I got here, but I don’t want to leave.
We are attempting to raise two small children, hold down full time jobs, and start a farm on the 33 acre homestead we bought as a foreclosure 3 years ago (we closed on the place 9 days before baby #2 was born). The website I posted is actually my husband’s, but I figured what the hell. We are rehabbing the place as we can, but projects get sidelined by pretty much everything else.
Love the blog…you both clearly have a great eye for this sort of thing.
Cheers!
July 22, 2013 @ 7:12 pm
I also wallow in the details, obsessed, until I can’t care anymore. Almost every project I’ve ever attempted felt so utterly foolish by the end that I never finished it. But I did buy a massive disco ball for my living room this weekend, which is a source of never ending joy. It never occurred to me that my 2 year old son would scream “ball!” every time he went in there and want to bounce it all over the wood floors. Now I just want more.
July 23, 2013 @ 10:45 am
Never change. You are hilarious and every time I get sucked down the rabbit hole that is this blog (seriously. I have to have a strict 2-post limit complete with screaming internal warnings for this thing) I see a kindred spirit.
July 30, 2013 @ 3:18 pm
Well, I just found you and your blog and love it. I even love the comments your readers left. I’ve been reading design/renovation blogs for about 5 years and I have to agree with what you’re saying. Almost none of the blogs ever say how stressful, time consuming and dirty renovations are. I renovated a large condo and just bough a Victorian and will be starting renovation in the fall…and guess what, I am thinking about blogging about it too. But from what I learnt and having two small kids now, I will be hiring a contractor this time around.
August 1, 2013 @ 8:21 pm
Wow…just wow. Your commenters are as insightful as you! I think you’ve hit the nail on the head. People followed,in hopes of being followed back. Pathetic. I’ll try it.
And in case you wondered, which I’m sure you did, fashion blogs are rife with the same sycophantic crap as home blogs. Sadly they’re doing it with their clothes and it creates a lot of goofy looking women.