DIY upholstery: for people who love being irritated.
update: finished sofa is here.
Step 1:
Never do this.
If you decide to skip step one, I can’t help you; because after 5 seconds of this project I thought: WHY ON GOD’S GREEN EARTH DID I BUY THIS THING?
LET’S THROW IT IN THE GARBAGE RIGHT NOW.
Unfortunately, I couldn’t tell Paul about the new and improved plan of throwing the sofa directly into the trash, because earlier that afternoon I was dancing around and hooting about getting a John Jelliff loveseat for $50, and Paul said— I think you are going to spend a day on it, realize the scope of the project, get frustrated, lose interest, leave it in the garage, forget about it, then it will be in my way every time I try to work in there, and I will end up finishing it.
And I was all— what! lol! no way! YOU MUST NOT KNOW ME AT ALL!!
Fast forward three hours, I was like— GOOD NEWS FOR YOU, PAUL!
So now Paul is a certified upholsterer.
The lesson here is: know thyself.
Or alternately: marry someone who cannot stand to see an unfinished project.
Part of the problem was the tacks… this sofa frame contained all of the tacks in the entire history of mankind.
ALL OF THEM.
The tacks eradicated my will to live.
By the time I had stabbed all of my fingers with the chisel/pliers/tack-pulling-accouterments, I was like— new plan! LEAVE THE TACKS WHERE THEY ARE AND ABANDON THIS DUMPSTER FIRE.
Fortunately, Paul.
Tying the springs came next.
If you don’t know about tying springs, believe me, you’re fine.
But if you’d like an explanation, here it is:
Back in the dark ages, people didn’t have foam and cheap furniture.
So people who might otherwise have been rocket scientists, were like– OK! Let’s take this rope and these springs and secure them in a way that the furniture seat has a nice rounded rise/shape to it.
And as you look at these next photos, please process how the springs lining the frame must have DIFFERENT compression from front to back! Because it’s more fun that way!
All you have to do is be sure that the back row and side rows and front rows are more smushed than their interior counterpart, and then you also need to consider the compression on the center springs, (not TOO much! just enough!) and also be sure that it’s all EVEN and generally a gently rounded masterpiece.
I (mistakenly) consider myself a reasonably intelligent person, so I assumed I’d be able to tie knots around metal coils.
My brain was like– sure, okay! Got it! No problem!
Rope, over spring, rope, under spring, knot.
Confusion.
Try again!
Rope, spring, rope, knot.
Confusion.
Try again!
Rope, spring, ro…PAUL!!!!
I literally could not understand what was happening after the first two steps.
Even watching the youtube instructions while standing directly in front of the springs and holding the rope, I could not understand past step two.
Fortunately, Paul.
The boards on the seat are to compress the springs while getting the fabric pulled taut and smooth.
If this is the wrong way to do this part of the process, please keep that comment to yourself because any project this irritating is absolutely correct if someone else is doing it for you and you do not even have to be involved.
The base layer of fabric is upholstery jute— it’s like a very tightly-woven burlap. You want it at least 17 oz. (regular burlap is about 10 oz. per sq. yd).
We kept the original jute on the back pieces because it was in surprisingly good condition.
Wow! Almost done! All I had to do was choose fabric.
I wanted something light-colored; a true antique shade would be rich/jewel-toned, but I wasn’t going for authenticity.
I wanted something bright to highlight the sofa frame’s details and help it stand out from the portal to Narnia, (and my general fondness for buying things-I-don’t-need-and-have-no-spot-for-so-use-this-as-my-storage-inn-of-awesomeness-and-crap.)
I considered white, (because I don’t like to learn from my mistakes) but then I decided that white was too easy… white velvet exists! You can buy it! Where is the fun in that!?
So I doubled down on my commitment to manifesting the exact shade that lived in my head… a light grey-ish blue, with no whiff of green or lavender.
After going to all 57 stores on fabric row, and also to every place in a 30 mile radius, I realized that no storefront carried the imaginary fabric that lived in my head.
So irritating.
Fortunately, the internet was invented for exactly this purpose: assisting you in compulsively spending AS MUCH TIME AS NECESSARY searching for imaginary fabric.
I ordered all kinds of velvet swatches… ALL kinds. Possibly I ordered ALL OF THE SWATCHES IN ALL OF THE WORLD.
Then! Finally! Success!
I ordered the fabric… helped Paul put it on… and then realized that the one and ONLY factor in choosing upholstery fabric should NOT be your inner-color-troll of shade-perfection (she is also the manager of the custom-paint-laboratory); it should be the AVAILABILITY OF MATCHING TRIM.
So now I have to try to match trim after the fact.
And according to my research thus far, I’ve chosen a fabric that has no matching trim in all of the world.
Paul says this is because I do not think things through to their logical conclusion.
Which is A– true. And B– irrelevant, because if the perfect shade of blueish-greyish is not controlled by the laws of time and space and availability of matching trim, HOW IS THAT MY FAULT?
And also, C– on the list of mind-boggling stupid things I have done that could have been prevented by a simple application of critical thinking, this isn’t even worth mentioning.
When I die I will offer my brain to science so they can finally figure out what is wrong with me.
SEE ALL MY FAVORITE CRAIGSLIST FINDS
In other news, little man Fetcher got adopted (I got a huge # of photos from his new momma and I can see they looooooove him!!) And I got this girl Fancy Feet! (there’s another photo of her on Instagram a few days ago)
Jayne Zabala
January 24, 2017 @ 4:44 pm
Love the “dust mops” on your kitties feet!
Tracy Doyle
January 24, 2017 @ 5:39 pm
Oh how I love the notification that you posted a new blog–Keep the charm, Witt and education coming!! Might I suggest you have trim made from the same velvet you chose for the love seat. Someone (seamstress) can easily create cording from the fabric and a double row would be a lovely accent.
Carole
January 24, 2017 @ 6:54 pm
You are funny. Real funny..laughed my way through your hyperbole and loved your (really Paul’s) project.
Shirley
January 24, 2017 @ 7:12 pm
Paul is AMAZING! ! One in a million! And that sweet cat! Don’t tell me you’re just fostering that one. She is definitely a KEEPER! I had a very similar Tuxedo cat named Tootie, with ear tufts, toe floof; she was a very special character. She liked to pose like the Sphinx. I called her Queen of the Nile.
Carrie
January 24, 2017 @ 7:32 pm
I’ve been lurking here for a while now, but I finally laughed so SO hard that I am compelled to tell you what an excellent humorist you are! I used to do it professionally (and unprofessionally), so I know how hard it can be. I also know the blogosphere is filled with just-sorta-funny writing. You truly have a gift!
Cindy
January 24, 2017 @ 7:57 pm
I have the skeleton of a tufted beauty sitting on my back porch for the last year. I understand you completely. I also have two other chairs on that same porch, as well as a daybed frame and a small black full bed frame. My husband refuses to go out there for fear he will be compelled to make a bonfire, or come in and strangle me.
Wanda
January 24, 2017 @ 7:57 pm
I need a Paul! I got the upholstery bug; how hard could it be? And to have something in my house I UPHOLSTERED….all the better. Fast forward a year and a half; still not done…ready to throw it out…instead, I packed up all the equipment, fabric and finishing stuff and donated to a local charity. Hope someone with more umph will buy it and finish it….it was beautiful fabric :-/
Now I know….I am not an upholster!
Kipper
January 24, 2017 @ 8:11 pm
I’ve reupholstered a family settee that had previously been reupholstered by a professional (9,323 tacks) I removed them and re used 500 tacks when covering the settee in new fabric and gimp. A year earlier I reupholstered some bar stools my dad had upholstered in 1955. 100 tacks on each chair. I took all of the tacks off, removed the hideous yellowed Naugahyde fabric and used a staple gun to upholster the stools in leather from an old bomber jacket . Turned out well, but my days of wanting to recover furniture as a diy project are done. Paul is amazing, you are a lucky woman.
pat
January 24, 2017 @ 8:25 pm
Love all your posts! The sofa is beautiful, the kitty is gorgeous, Paul is The Catch; and You, my dear, are simply marvelous!!
Leslie
January 24, 2017 @ 8:53 pm
But what did you put in between the springs and the fabric??? That’s where the stuffing goes. I stuff with horsehair, some stuff with foam. You might be interested: https://citygirlarts.com/2016/08/15/artisanal-upholstery-gilded-antique-french-settee-chair-traditional-manner/.
Pat Hogan
January 24, 2017 @ 9:37 pm
Oh my gosh! I just want you to know that yours is the ONLY blog I follow. At all. Seriously. I love how Paul rescues every single one of your projects AND you are still married. I love your patience and ability to find every single abandoned piece of furniture in the world.
Ann
January 25, 2017 @ 12:47 am
The technical name for your braided trim is “guimpe” — nowadays often spelled “gimp.” Love your account! Tell Paul that it helps, if one is a husband assisting an aspiring upholsterer, to have a Scout merit badge in knot-tying!
Paula
January 25, 2017 @ 3:43 am
Have you met Felix the Huddlesfield Station Cat? She and your Miss Floofy Feet look like they were separated at birth. Paula https://www.facebook.com/FelixHuddersfieldStationCat/
Beth McKinsey
January 25, 2017 @ 11:54 am
As always a great story! Love your blob and your style!
Beth McKinsey
January 25, 2017 @ 11:55 am
Blog not blob! LOL
judy
January 25, 2017 @ 12:33 pm
Firstest….Raucous Laughter for the incomparable humor and Wit. Second… and very important.. Standing Ovation for His Brilliant-ness
and the Strategy for Fantastica the Fancy Footed Feline,just pretend that you are fostering her and that way she can just hang around indefinitely and you can maintain the illusion that you did not yet commit your eternal devotion to her Floofiness. And is there an update re: the restaurant Tigers?
Angela Willis
January 25, 2017 @ 1:32 pm
That couch is worth the hassle… it’s incredible… and for $45!!! YES!
I love your fabric choice, can’t wait to see the trim and finished product!
And I second letting Paul have a day at the blog! That would be fantastic!
Amanda Dugan
January 25, 2017 @ 7:11 pm
OMG….I laughed soo hard! I love your blog so much! Hilarious stuff!!!! Ms. Fancy feet kitteh is super gorgeous! Viva la rescue!!!
Gaylin
January 26, 2017 @ 9:42 am
You delight me so very much!
But girlie I wanna see kitchen and addition updates!
Thank you!
J
January 27, 2017 @ 10:00 am
Love that I can learn so much here about upholstery, strawbale gardening (fascinating), and countless other topics, all the while validating that maybe all my neuroses around perfect decorating/ restoring (to the point of being unable to even get started) are normal. I too was looking forward to a circus-related post, and you are still educating us. I can’t wait for your book to be out… I will be the first one to preorder, so don’t keep us waiting too long!
Constance
January 27, 2017 @ 12:55 pm
you are hilarious. I am you. the photos I could show you (I can totally relate to the tack thing. love seat from the side of the road) but unfortunately I have no Paul. I have a Jim that constantly asks me what I am doing with the buffet/dresser/chairs/cabinets/love seats that now sit in my dysfunctional garage.
keep up the good work.. I want that campaign bed. 🙂