Auctions– because you can never have too many giant, antique, fancy pieces of junk.
After The Kingdom Mirror went viral, Paul said things like – are you going to leave me for some guy who loves antiques that you meet on the internet?
I said – of course not. Unless he loves cats. Then, maybe.
This was because I’d gotten some emails in the vein of: you are an amazing, glorious, goddess of perfection and giant fancy things, whom I worship and would acquire mirrors for all day long.
And I sort of thought– gosh. Wow. I DO love Paul… but maybe I would love someone else even more? Someone who WANTS to do mirror-retrieval? I mean, for all I know Jon Hamm really likes antiques. And cats.
So I started to wonder – have I inadvertently limited my life’s work by tethering myself to Paul? By choosing someone who is capable of mirror-retrieval, but not enthusiastic for it?
Have I made a terrible mistake?
And now I can say – it looks that way. Because it seems that Paul has forgotten how I am a special mirror goddess, entrusted to him.
He has forgotten that I am to be cared for with utmost devotion.
He has forgotten that my every whim should be met with parades and cheering.
He has forgotten that I might leave him for Jon Hamm.
I know he has forgotten this, because when we saw an Elvis-cat-sized mini-kingdom at the auction preview, he did NOT say – oh my God, we MUST get that.
Instead, he walked right by it without acknowledging the stupendousness of our good fortune.
I had to whisper-shout at him to get his attention. I gestured rabidly with my head and performed the well-known mime/celebratory dance: look-what-I-found-oh-treasure-of-mine, while The Mirror Troll marched around playing the trombone and flinging confetti.
Paul backed up and looked at it for a minute. He said – you want this?
I looked at him cross eyed. Because, what?
Paul said – what do you want to pay for this?
But this is a trick question. What Paul means is: no matter what figure you name, I will look aghast and crush your dreams.
So I said – $1,000… because two can play that game.
Plus, it took me no time at all to learn that Paul wants to pay $5 for everything, so I need to start high for him to feel like he has reined me in.
Paul gave me the look that says – I think you are joking. But also, I am afraid you may not be joking.
He said – this is a piece of junk… look at here, and here, and here… It is missing this, and this, and this.
I said – I see that. And I do not care. And I suspect you know this and are just taunting me. Besides, if I really wanted to I could make a latex mold to repair the missing fancy bits.
Paul said – sure. That would work. Will you complete that project in my lifetime?
I said – no. However. AS YOU CAN SEE. This is a mini Kingdom Mirror. FOR ELVIS. Therefore, we cannot be hampered in our acquisition.
Paul said – $20. Otherwise, no.
I said – oh, I am sorry. The suggestion department is closed. Be ready to get up early tomorrow.
The next morning as we were driving to the auction, Paul said to me – if you are the first bidder, you will need to find another ride home because I will disown you.
This is because Paul thinks I am unpredictable and jumpy and not fully cognizant of what is going on and likely to bid haphazardly without waiting for the auctioneer to lower the price.
I just nodded and smiled at him to allow him the illusion of control he so clearly needs to cling to. But in my head I calculated how long it would take me to walk home.
I paid $65 and I am happy to say that I was not the first bidder, so I got to ride home in the car.
However, I made the mistake of asking Paul what my final price was… I knew I was somewhere between $50 and $75, but I was unsure of the exact amount. And like an idiot, instead of JUST KEEPING IT TO MYSELF, I said how it is very hard to tell what is happening and it just seems like the auctioneer is randomly pointing and saying nonsense and people are milling around.
Which led to an inquest and cross-examination on the drive home where Paul tried to trip me up by saying things like – so you had no idea what you were bidding, and yet you kept putting your hand up?
And I had to nimbly dance around his accusations and mischaracterizations by using my time on the witness stand to obfuscate and redirect attention to the greater good I have achieved: perfecting Elvis’s inner sanctum for a relatively low price.
When we got home, Paul said– where are we putting this? I looked around and then gestured over in the living room. I said– let’s just put it in that corner for now.
Paul said– because that’s what hoarders do… fill up all the corners.
I said– Please be patient. I am going as fast as I can… but there are so many corners.
see my other mirrors: pier mirrors & foyer, Kingdom mirror, just a mirror frame.
see all my favorite finds
August 6, 2014 @ 11:10 am
Is it me or does Elvis have a WTF look on her face?
August 6, 2014 @ 11:20 am
I thought she looked more bemused than ‘WTF’, but I’ll scroll back up for another look:)
Fab mirror and base, if Elvis decides she doesn’t approve it’s my bad luck shipping that big bit of gorgeousity to Scotland would have my Paul (no, really, my husband’s name IS Paul) in fits. Sigh.
August 6, 2014 @ 11:14 am
Hmmmm…I don’t see any missing fancy bits. It looks absolutely fabulous and if it weren’t 2000 miles away I would have bid on it too!
August 6, 2014 @ 11:15 am
Love your posts, you always make me chuckle and I always know just how you feel.
Really Paul has got to Remember and understand what a privilege, how did you put it? “a special mirror goddess, entrusted to him”- it is to be your husband and protector of all things beautiful. He is one lucky Guy!
August 6, 2014 @ 11:17 am
I am delighted to inform you that you are the newest member of the “auction addicted club” – heck you might even be President! I do try to limit myself to two auctions a month, but I always try very hard to find s…o…m…e…t…h…i…n… g that just has to come home with me. Last month it was three taxidermy birds – one for me, one for my mom for Christmas (she really does love that type of thing) and an extra…..just in case, and a small armillary. Have a wonderful time, and don’t let Paul go with you if he’s going to spoil the adventure with details like max bidding prices.
August 6, 2014 @ 11:19 am
I LOVE your blog posts!!! You are soooooooo funny – I have a good day everytime I read one of your posts 😉 the best part “there are so many corners”!!! Hilarious!!!!! Thank you thank you thank you! Please keep writing of your adventures.
August 6, 2014 @ 11:24 am
Elvis needs another one so she can do Infinity Elvis. I think that’s only fair.
August 6, 2014 @ 11:35 am
Victoria – A dear friend and antiques genius Katie forwarded your site to me, and your passion for big, fancy mirrors is infectious. I, too, live in Philadelphia, and my biggest concern now is “how will I ever acquire a big, fancy mirror before VEB gets her paws on it?”
August 6, 2014 @ 11:36 am
OMG, Victoria. You HAVE TO post the text of those fan letters. Ha!
August 6, 2014 @ 11:44 am
You scored big time! I’m not fooled by Paul’s phony resistance to your OCD. I saw how lovingly he was wrapping your treasured mirror as he carefully prepared it for the ride home! He’s the man…jew don’t need no stink’n Jon Hamm! Vikki in VA
August 6, 2014 @ 12:46 pm
But meanwhile, what is happening kitchenwise? There’s a whole world of big fancy pieces of junk (in auctionland) that would just totally turn your kitchen into Liberace’s dream palace….
August 6, 2014 @ 12:53 pm
OMGoodness. I have had this exact same conversation with my husband, with your exact same thoughts running through my head, and this has happened more than once.
August 6, 2014 @ 1:11 pm
I have my hair scarf ready… if we could steal a convertible we could go to ALL of the auctions together! So many corners, not enough time! 😉
August 6, 2014 @ 1:23 pm
I have long since left my husband HOME when I go to auction. He just doesn’t get any of this. Ever since HE bid and won on a 3pc French garniture that HE did not fully inspect to see it was altered to quartz battery operation and HE tried to blame me as the one who purchased it, HE is not invited to auction with me. That was about 9 years ago. I go with my sister, and we have a long-standing relationship with our auction house, and they help us load. Btw, I sold the 3pc garniture for what he paid for it, and saved HIS face.
Congratulations on your latest member of the kingdom. And sometimes it’s hard to discern the gavel price. Once they know you, you sometimes even get home and find in the midst of all that auction jibberish, they may have cut you a slight deal on the final gavel price. 😀
Rita
August 6, 2014 @ 1:45 pm
Because that’s what hoarders do……fill all the corners!
OMG, I tears in my eyes because it’s so true 🙂
I love that you post your adventures to the auction, very entertaining.
PS. Love the mirror
August 6, 2014 @ 1:53 pm
Really, it is adorable watching him try to take control of the situation.
August 6, 2014 @ 2:43 pm
Oh, this is all most excellent. And funny. And I love that you are giving Elvis her own set of furniture!
August 6, 2014 @ 4:14 pm
Your posts are always so much fun. Thanks for sharing!
August 6, 2014 @ 5:46 pm
I think Paul and my husband were separated at birth. I usually get what I want, but he thinks everything should cost what they did in the ’50s (and he wasn’t old enough to know what his parents paid then). At least you have that conversation over beautiful, worthwhile, enjoyable stuff; we have it over underwear, produce, mattresses, you name it.
I hope Elvis enjoys her mirror and appreciates your efforts on her behalf.
August 6, 2014 @ 5:58 pm
In your video we have a wonderful image of Paul’s gold wedding ring, I was just wondering if you have plans to replace it with a mirrored band….
August 6, 2014 @ 6:04 pm
I too have a Giant Fancy Mirror. It is missing fancy bits, but I don’t care. My mom wanted to glue old broken pieces of the plaster back on…one day. But that would’ve prohibited me from hanging it…NOW. It’s been up over 2 years and I love it EVERY day.