Whim of iron.
Paul and I had an appointment to go tweak our kitchen design over the weekend.
I was excited!
Or… I thought I was.
About an hour before we were supposed to go, Self slammed on the brakes. Wrenching the wheel to the left, she steered the car directly over the edge of the cliff.
I said – wait, Self!
What is happening?
Why are we driving off the cliff?
Why are we plummeting to a fiery wreck?
Why don’t we just go and order cabinets?
And Self was like– no one knows! Death before commitment!
The Acquisition Troll said– yup. For sure. THOSE are your kitchen cabinets.
No need to think about it.
Hurry.
Then I had to go and explain this to Paul.
Then I had to deal with Rage Paul.
And the thing about Rage Paul is that I always understand.
At first.
I understand why he is frustrated… I understand why he is irritated… I understand why he is turning green and exploding out of his clothing.
But eventually, I lose patience because I am NOT doing this to aggravate him.
This is who I am.
I am SORRY that I am engineered in the most specific way possible to make you insane. HOWEVER. What do you want me to do? As far as I know, there is no surgical option for a personality transplant.
But eventually, my understanding begins to wears thin. I begin to construct in my head, dissertations on the theme: Self has feelings too, you know.
After a while, the mental-dissertations get pretty righteous.
I start to get mad at Rage Paul. Because I ACCEPT him… But Rage Paul, does NOT accept Self.
This seems deeply unfair and it makes me want to remind Rage Paul that he chose me… He COULD have married someone else, but apparently, he WANTED this in his life. How is that my fault?
Also, I could point out that Rage Paul is just as illogical as Self… After all, Rage Paul says things like– I cannot even talk to you right now. And leaves the room. And then comes back in to talk at Self at top volume.
But I cannot say any of that. Because technically this is all my fault.
And also because I cannot make it worse… Because I need Rage Paul to agree to go and look at these bookcases.
Then I am going to need him to agree to overpay for them. Because Self BELIEVES THEM TO BE THE THING.
Although later it will be revealed that they are not the thing… and that in reality, Self was suffering delusions brought on by fear of commitment, and agitation at losing out on Giant Fancy Things, and also because Self has restraint issues and hoarding issues and a host of other avoidance-based coping skills that always make a flaming pile of mess that someone else needs to sort out because Self cannot deal with it.
As soon as we got home, Self was finished with the event and wanted to read in bed with Elvis.
A GFT acquisition is mentally tiring and requires extra time for recuperation… but even Self was aware that she needed to pretend to be ongoingly-enthusiastic, otherwise Paul’s head would explode.
We brought a bookcase into the kitchen and screwed a cleat to the wall, just below where I wanted them to hang.
Then we stood back to see what we thought.
Then we moved it to the right.
More right.
Up.
More up.
Further right.
Up more.
Then Self slunk off… scurrying away to her cave and leaving me alone to tell Paul that maybe this was a mistake.
Because it turns out that now that the bookcases are safely mine, and there is no risk someone else will hoard them, I can acknowledge that POSSIBLY my plan was flawed.
Which is ironic, because Self told me this idea would save money.
Self had claimed to be worried about the financial equation of catbaby with cancer eradicating budget for kitchen remodel.
I have no idea if Self actually had good intentions or if this was just a ploy to skirt reasonable decisions.
Standing there in the kitchen, with half a bookcase on the wall, and half in the foyer, and surrounded by the general kitchen-chaos, vacation-mess-still-not-sorted, pounds of tomatoes, and other evidence that I am failing to be organized and adult… I felt defeated.
These are ALMOST exactly what I wanted… But if I had taken more than seven seconds to really think it through, maybe I would have seen them as a representation of THE THING. Rather than the ACTUAL thing.
Why do I have to be so impulsive?
Why is ambivalence never in my emotional vocabulary?
Why am I always running forward in seven directions at once?
Why am I so good at love, hate, joy, anguish… and terrible at the part where you pay attention… and put one foot in front of the other… and not wander off to examine the bark in the indecision forest?
I was pretty sure this would be the last straw for Paul; but when I told him— I’m sorry, this was a giant mistake… He just said— okay. Where do you want to put them?
I said— are you angry?
He said— no. I am feeling good…the Lobotomy is really working out.
see all my Craigslist treasures
Bekah
September 29, 2015 @ 10:52 am
Have you tried switching them left to right? So the flat side on the right would go against the wall, and on the left a flat side could go against plainer, stock cabinets. And then the parts with the protruding moulding would be towards the range hood and would look intentional. Not “we split these cabinets up so we could fit in a range hood” but, “these cabinets were meant to have a empty wall and a column thing in between them”.
judy
September 29, 2015 @ 11:00 am
Are you (#$%^&*) kidding? Those are a Gift from the Karma Gods. Only you– Could come upon Beauty priced at Bargain Basement Prices. And the buyers don’t sell this stuff or give it away ..they await your communique and arrival and probably load it for you and wish they could be your friend forever. Wherever you place those in your Elegant Abode they will radiate your excellent taste and Paul’s amazing good fortune that he gets to accompany you on your spectacular pell mell rocket ride through a fascinating Life. Who needs all that boring tedious conforming to rules and regulations? And if you would just write your book you wouldn’t have to concern yourself with the mundane ,you would be holding Court in that waterfront Mansion you were destined to inhabit.
Caroline
September 29, 2015 @ 11:29 am
I believe you’re just tired and not thinking clearly yet. These are great but just a little small relative to the rest of the kitchen. They need a fancy middle-thing to flank, after which the whole will be large enough to have real presence. Cheer up–it’s an excuse…no, an obligation!–to continue to trawl Craigslist for the perfect piece(s) to complement these and complete your wall. Vaya con dios!
Danielle
September 29, 2015 @ 11:32 am
If EVERYTHING is fancy, then nothing looks fancy. You need to balance your use of fanciness. Here is an example, https://www.pinterest.com/pin/85357355415510152/, picture that with your fancy piano island, fancy moldings (that can be purchased new, stained and fit accordingly), fancy light fixtures, fancy antique rugs, fancy accessories. The rest can be “classic” details that will BALANCE everything and highlight your favorite pieces in the room. I am an interior designer and this is your intervention. I love the passion you have for your home. I share it too.
David
September 29, 2015 @ 11:33 am
Have you thought about reversing the cabinets? (ie, have the trimmed edge facing the stove vent?) Then you can mount the flush edges closer to the wall or whatnot. Of course, then you’ll have to have the doors hinge on the opposite side too, etc… but just a thought!
Maddie
September 29, 2015 @ 11:40 am
I just have to ask the question I know others thought but didn’t voice…
In that last picture…WHY is there a DOG on your COUNTER???
<3!
Maddie
TucsonPatty
September 29, 2015 @ 11:40 am
Hey, those are so awesome and beautiful and I just had an inspiration…can you take the fronts off of all the GFTs that you wanted in the kitchen and then reattatch said fronts to the manufactured cabinets, somehow? (That there would be the Paul’s job, obviously) does that defeat the purpose of the GFT??
Marsha
September 29, 2015 @ 11:46 am
You are just the right amount of crazy! Sounds like their is a potential to move them on – but you teased the reader with the mock up drawing that shows them as a viable working option of beauty!
Nylene
September 29, 2015 @ 11:51 am
They look great to me. What is the problem? Don’t be so hard on yourself.
Carri
September 29, 2015 @ 11:55 am
Actually, your previous post about letting go of the crazy, giant fancy kitchen idea was a little sad. I’m glad you still aren’t ready to give up on those fine things your little heart yearns for, but kitchens are a practical necessity. You may just have to go for the useable, slightly quirky kitchen rather than the manor house one.
Give Elvis a kiss for us and Paul, too.
Danielle
September 29, 2015 @ 12:01 pm
Last comment from me for the day…here is another example of “simple” cabinets surrounded by fancy things. Don’t be afraid of wallpaper. Express yourself. https://www.pinterest.com/pin/340655159287348542/
Angela
September 29, 2015 @ 12:02 pm
Paul is an angel!
Amber
September 29, 2015 @ 12:15 pm
I agree with the others, I’m not sure why they couldn’t work. Look at the series of 6 pictures, the middle right one, if you put it in that position you could just put some small knick-knack shelves on the side so there wouldn’t be a gap between them and the window, as for the gap above the cabinets I think that is fairly standard in a lot of kitchens and you could do fabulous things with decor up there if you wanted. Don’t worry, you could always have a GFT sale and make a fortune off all of your GFT that didn’t end up working out, maybe you could make back all the money you need for the kitchen!
JeanFB
September 29, 2015 @ 12:29 pm
Ok so if you are going with a kitchen designer…. why can’t the kitchen be designed around these cabinets? They don’t look to be ginormous…. I’d have to agree with all the others. Have your designer make them work, they are fabulous! Good luck with your fur baby.. <3 And your husband is the big found treasure. 🙂
Lindsey
September 29, 2015 @ 12:41 pm
Victoria,
I wish, nay, PRAY that some day you will have an auction of the things that you have gathered but decide won’t work out for you. You have the most amazing GFTs even when you decide not to use them. Let us know when that sweepstakes begins or the eBay auction. You could make a fortune off people like us dying to have a piece of your brilliance.
Emily
September 29, 2015 @ 12:46 pm
Ok – you’re gonna have to explain what’s WRONG with your idea?!!? Because, those look AWESOME. I don’t see a problem…
Garden, Home and Party
September 29, 2015 @ 12:51 pm
I want to be supportive, honest. But I think if I were Paul I’d place parental blocks on craigslist viewing for you…at least until you get the kitchen finished. 🙂 I do love these cabinets. Why don’t they work? They look nice in your mock up image.
I think there could be support cabinetry that would compliment them and then you’d have enough bling in the kitchen to satisfy you and enough practical cabinetry to satisfy Paul, right?
xo,
Karen
Patty/NS
September 29, 2015 @ 1:02 pm
They look funky and great to me! Why oh why won’t they work!? We all need an explanation. Is it the window? Do they stick out too far? Love the puppy you added to the mock up picture, everything looks better with a puppy ?. Dammit, tell us why they won’t work, you are killing us! xo
yvonne
September 29, 2015 @ 1:27 pm
I know this isn’t helping, but those black ceramic elephants are great!
Deborah Calle
October 4, 2015 @ 12:11 am
I know right, the elephants are exactly like the ones my husband brought back from vietnam! They flank my front door carrying peace lily plants on their backs. Hey, Victoria what
you doing with the elephants?
Kay
September 29, 2015 @ 2:02 pm
CMT is right about the kitchen gunk. Those bookcases are far too nice to ruin with scrubbing. They’ll be perfect somewhere else.
Glad Elvis is hanging in there. We need pictures of her.