F.A.Q.
If you emailed me or facebooked me or tweeted me, or otherwise contacted me psychically?
I AM GOING AS FAST AS I CAN.
Your comments and messages have overwhelmed me with gratitude AND fear that you will think I am ignoring you.
Youāve made me laugh hysterically. Youāve endorsed my belief in unicorns.Ā Youāve encouraged me to hoard-on.Ā Which is similar to rock-on.Ā But without leather pants or electric guitars.
You people have changed my entire worldview. Ā But not one of you has sent me a clone of myself, which is what I REALLY need.
I WANT to talk to ALL of you.Ā In fact, it’s the ONLY thing I want to do. Ā Also, I want to invite you all over for a costume party.Ā Because FINALLY I have met people to whom I would NOT NEED TO EXPLAIN WHY I would have a costume party on a Wednesday afternoon.
Paul says I cannot do that. Ā Iām not sure why. Ā I mean, I told him you are ALL JUST LIKE ME.
So in the meantime, until I can convince him, some of you have questions. Burning questions.Ā And to spare you any more agony over paint colors and ottomans, here’s a Q. and A.
Q: Where did you get the tufted coffee table?
Craigslist.Ā DUH. Ā I paid $300 for it. Ā But you can pay full priceĀ at Restoration Hardware.
Having since acquired bothĀ a KingdomĀ and theĀ portal to NarniaĀ for about the same price, it does sort of make me rethink whether that was a great deal.
At the time, I was obsessed. And to find the ONE piece of furniture you love, within driving distance on Craigslist is obviously a sign from the universe.Ā Which you may have noticed is aĀ reoccurringĀ theme in my purchases.
I did try to talk myself out of it.Ā We already had a coffee table, AND this thing is HUGE. Ā But I decided if I didnāt get it I would have not-buyerās remorse.
You know thatĀ phenomenon, right?Ā When you waffle on something… talk yourself out of it… then wake up at three a.m. and realize youāre a fool, and that CLEARLY you MUST have itā¦ but you’re too lateā¦ itās gone to someone less-waffly than youā¦ and then you are forever haunted by your own idiocy.
Plus, Iām working on a new theory about how the money you spend on craigslist doesnāt even count. Ā Because you can always resell whatever you bought.Ā Think about it. Ā You trade money for stuff.Ā BUT YOU CAN ALWAYS TRADE IT BACK.
Thus it is like you have SPENT NO MONEY.
Q: Whatās the wall paint in your bath/foyer/living/dining room?
Eggnog by Behr. Itās a light yellow.Ā I looked at 47,000 shades of paint, so I feel confident endorsing it as the ultimate wall color.
Depending on the light or time of day, it might look white or cream in the photos, but itās distinctly yellow, especially next to white trim.
Ā 
*if you follow me on facebook, you’ll recognize the free disco ball I scored over the weekend.
Q: what shade is the white trim paint?
Itās just plain, white Behr enamel. Ā You buy the can right off the shelf.
I’m embarrassed by this lack-of-special-white-paint admission, knowing now that I should have agonized between White Dove and Wispy Cloud and Holier Than ThouĀ©Farrow and Ball, all rights reserved.
Itās not even shiny, because in a rare display of commitment to visual detail,Ā Paul refused to let me use gloss.Ā I am still not sure how this happened.
Q: donāt you think the stairwell/molding/doorways/windows would look better if you stripped the paint?
That question is predicated on whether I would look good in a straightjacket. Ā Iām flattered that you think I wouldā¦ but lithium isn’t really my color.
Q: what will you be for Halloween?
I love that so many of you ask the TRULY important questions.
I was planning to be John Travoltaās character from Saturday Night Fever.Ā But then I saw the Liberace bio-pic and I pretty much had a meltdown.
Now I am deeply conflicted and may need therapy.
Q:Ā is the entire medicine cabinet custom or did you order the door online?
Paul made the entire cabinet including the door.
I will do a better post on this soon.Ā My first post was before Iād been blogging very long and I could do a better job now.
Q: whatās your next house project?
The kitchen.Ā We had hoped to start it this summer, but weāve both been incredibly busy with other things…Ā The delay is making Paul insane, but I personally am enjoying the respite from constant banging and feeling like my life has exploded.
Also? I am dreading washing carrots in the bathtub.
Q: will Paul create a support group for husbands with impractical wives?
Support group? Ā How about brainwashing group– where they will emerge enthusiastic for our whims.
That would be better.
Q: Did you watch Mad Men season 6 yet?
Yes.Ā It took me about 5 minutes.
I donāt do Mad Men theory, so if you were hoping for a more intellectual discussion, I surely disappointed you. Ā Please try to understand that if you do not own a crinoline?Ā We are not having the same Mad Men experience.
YOU are watching a television show produced in a studio in California… Ā I am watching an alternate universe and desperately trying to figure out how to GET IN THERE.
What I CAN tell you is that before I watch a new season, I re-watch the previous season.Ā And I noticed that in the final scene when Megan is getting her big break in the shoe commercialāTHEY HAVE MY BENCH.
This is the third-most exciting thing to ever happen to me.
The first two:
1. my wedding
2. you
Not necessarily in that order.
Ā Ā 
That is DON standing RIGHT NEXT TO MY BENCH.
I understand that to you this is meaningless.Ā But to me?Ā Ā Itās proof that I am getting close to the fifth-dimension and soon will be permitted to step through time and space and reality.
I am so excited because I have been packed for YEARS and was starting to think that maybe I made this all up in my head.
Q: are you going to sell ad space?Ā How much?
For one million dollars you can have the entire blog and I will move to Mexico and write a book.
For two million, you can have the blog, and I will stay and write about anything you want.
Short of that, I havenāt figured it out. Ā But PLEASE feel free to offer me money.
Q: did you buy the falling-down house on the river?
No. We did not buy the Biddle mansion.Ā We did not move to Riverton.Ā We do not live on the river.Ā We are still sad.
If you were confused about that, I guess you didnāt read my blog front-to-back and attend to every detail.Ā So you might want to get on that.
Also?Ā To the guy from the Riverton Historical Society?Ā Who emailed me to tell me that I WOULD BE HONORED AT THE ANNUAL DINNER? You should know that I was SUPER tempted to show up and demand my honoringā¦ but I was out of town that week.
Q: what is the formula for your magical-perfect-front-door-red that you created in your psychic paint laboratory?
What?Ā You donāt want to buy 300 paint samples?Ā And mix them with a soup spoon?Ā And then use a spectrometer (I donāt even know what that is) to determine the precise RGB value?
Are you sure?
Theoretically?Ā You can go to Home Depot and ask for Victoria E Barnes.Ā Because when you make a custom paint, you get to name it.
Of course, now I realize what a missed opportunity that was.
Over the weekend when Paul made his weekly pilgrimage, I TRIED to get him to go to the paint counter and ask them to change the name to I LOVE ELVIS.
But he refused.
I would go myself but that would require getting off the internet, and that might give me some kind of psychotic break.
I will love you EVEN MORE… if you share me with your friends.
July 10, 2013 @ 11:52 am
p.s. I found the piano guts, and a lot of other cool things on a local FACEBOOK page.
It’s time to spread your wings, little Victoria, beyond the confines of Craigslist. š
July 10, 2013 @ 11:56 am
So really since Mad Men have your bench you have already been transferred inside of the TV and we are watching you now. As always very entertaining. I saw my dollar store coffee cup on TV one day and got all choked up, exclaimed my excitement to the man, but he was not impressed by my new kitchen dish abilities.
July 10, 2013 @ 11:57 am
Freaking adorable. The bench is surely a sign of the alternate universe situation. You are wise to be prepared.
July 10, 2013 @ 11:57 am
Please, Please have a giant costume party! I am begging you. As a thespian, and just a person who thinks costumes should be worn whenever one feels the need to dress up, I think this is the best idea ever. But, I live in Indiana. A road trip is not in our budget. A Skype costume party? Hmmm…I’ll work on that.
P.S. The eggnog color IS perfect, and Unicorns are totally real. My daughters bedroom is proof.
July 10, 2013 @ 12:03 pm
Love, love, love you. And I’m also still sad over the Biddle mansion. Because I have *my* bags packed waiting to be admitted to an incredibly old, giant house that contains a portal to both Downton Abbey and Narnia. I would for sure be choosing Downton Abbey.
July 10, 2013 @ 12:16 pm
Have you seen the movie “Somewhere in Time”? If not, you must. Then dress appropriately, lie on your bench, and imagine you’re there. For hours. Paul will love it, trust me.
July 10, 2013 @ 12:17 pm
Oh, Victoria, I freaking love you. And thanks to a little inspiration, and by inspiration I mean stalking your blog, I have finally convinced my husband to just not ask what it is I want to buy/paint/recover/destroy, and just hand over the cash willingly…it was a major breakthrough. Keep up the good work! I love love love every post!
July 10, 2013 @ 12:23 pm
I would love to come to your costume party, but you must give me plenty of notice as I live in Yorkshire, England. We are totally on the same page when talking about the universe and trading stuff for money. Love your blog x
July 10, 2013 @ 12:43 pm
Hello Victoria,
I really love you and your blog, so much so that I linked to you today.
Thanks for making me laugh.
Janet
July 10, 2013 @ 5:10 pm
Nice to “meet” you! Checking you out now…
p.s.- your Gravatar isn’t linking to your site. FYI!
I’m adding the link here:
http://thegardenerscottage.blogspot.com/
July 10, 2013 @ 12:49 pm
Now is your chance! You really can name a color Holier Than Thou! Enter now! http://www.apartmenttherapy.com/in-living-color-create-your-own-hue-with-farrow-ball-191384
July 10, 2013 @ 12:55 pm
I am speechless. It’s like I’m controlling the universe with my mind.
July 10, 2013 @ 12:54 pm
PS reading your peeps comments is a treat
July 10, 2013 @ 12:57 pm
I know! They are quick with the wit. It’s actually sort of annoying… how the commenters are funnier than I am.
July 10, 2013 @ 1:29 pm
Over my life, my only purchasing regrets have been those I’ve talked myself out of doing. And when ever you are on vacation, if you see something you like – buy it – because you won’t see it again [unless we’re talking tourist trap crap]
Advice for the kitchen remodel… check out craiglist/camping supplies for a something like these: http://www.bing.com/images/search?q=Camping+Kitchen+Gear&qpvt=Camping+Kitchen+Gear&FORM=IGRE
My dad make 2 for our family in the 1960’s out of marine grade plywood. Held cooking gear, suppplies, cleaning tubs, etc. Or you could set up with just plastic tubs for washing/rinsing on an ironing board, mine’s been in the garage for 7 years since we moved here.! LOL!!!
July 10, 2013 @ 1:32 pm
I love your writing, and so much want to live next door to you … lol…I bought a bench last week. You have a strong influence on a weak woman…resisting the big mirror…but who knows…
July 10, 2013 @ 2:27 pm
Add me to the list of people who anxiously anticipate your unflinching humor. I came across your blog when you posted a link to your Portal to Narnia post on Apartment Therapy. I then proceeded to devour your blog. I signed up to comment on Manhattan nest blog
(he just bought an old Victorian), just because i wanted to share your with the world…so… i hope that means you love me EVEN MORE! I read your blog from beginning to end in less than 24 hours. My husband hinted at the possibility of being obsessed with this blog, due to the fact that I had not so much as gotten up from my computer to walk the dogs. I then began to read your post aloud, and said “how could I not be?!?” But secretly thinking I would not label it an obsession so much as a healthy admiration. I should have known i was kidding myself when i subscribed to your blog, the first subscription ever. And maybe i should have figured it out when I got on my hands and knees in my vegetable garden and proceeded to hand pick all the slugs and snails that have invaded my it (even after trying numerous different hands off techniques), because if you do it, i should too. Or maybe it should have dawned on me when decided to start saving up to put in a flower bed outside my office window for the zinnias and lisinathus and whatever other flower you recommend, even though we could move before next growing season. But it was just confirmed when i read this F.A.Q. post. When i read that someone asked if you bought the Biddle mansion i thought to myself, “what kind of question is that?!? Did they not READ this blog?!? and then i read “If you were confused about that, I guess you didnāt read my blog front-to-back and attend to every detail. So you might want to get on that.” And I had the feeling you get when you were the only kid in class who did the homework.
July 10, 2013 @ 3:49 pm
Oh my goodness, you are so funny! Thanks for making me repeatedly keep cracking up at my desk, while I’m supposed to be quietly working š
July 10, 2013 @ 3:52 pm
Can’t get enough of your wit and humor!! I so relate and my husband is relieved there are others out there like me who can’t stop obsessing about that ‘gotta have’ find! Following you even while camping this week.
….you’re my escape in the middle of my escape…
Wish I could say we were ‘glamping’ ….one day I’ll restore a small airstream and turn it into a vintage glamper camper so we can camp in style and invite you over for gourmet s’mores š
xoxo
July 10, 2013 @ 5:38 pm
Oh, Victoria… I do believe we were separated at birth! I, too, suffer repeatedly from non-buyers remorse, agonize over details my husband (and probably very best friends) would think of as trivial, fall in love with things I can’t afford, and adore all things Mad Men. BTW… $300 for the tufted coffee table is such a score (Kingdoms and Portals to Narnia aside)! I have yet to become a Craigslist convert. Unfortunately, most things in Central Florida aren’t that old or interesting. But you make me want to keep looking!
April 24, 2014 @ 5:46 pm
I thought that about our Northern Florida Craigslist, but when I went on it again, I was amazed at all of the gorgeous pieces! Of course, I couldn’t afford, or didn’t have room for any of them!
It’s all in how you do your searches. Play around with it a little. Some treasures are hiding where you would least expect them to be!
July 10, 2013 @ 6:52 pm
Holier than Thou Farrow and Ball–perfect. I am dying, however, to see what colour I Love Elvis will actually be!
July 10, 2013 @ 7:46 pm
I love your theory of economics regarding your purchases on craigslist. It’s brilliant really. And if I buy something that is discounted $100, that means I have $100 to spend elsewhere, right? So simple.
Thanks for another hilarious post.
July 29, 2013 @ 11:20 am
I’ve been doing that sort of thing for years. A friend of mine coined the phrase ‘double-exit bookkeeping’. I’m now convinced it’s an art form.
July 10, 2013 @ 9:30 pm
Never underestimate “not-buying remorse”. It should be in the new DSM V manual that people are arguing about. To wit: my mom still can tell you about the salt and pepper shakers she did not buy while on a road trip vacation with my dad. Because, “she did not need them.” When they were newlyweds. She is 67 years old now. She wishes she had bought them.