The KINGDOM mirror– proving that you NEVER KNOW what is on the other end of a Craigslist ad.
After the Victorian wardrobe salvage saga…
After spending four hours in an unheated building.
After ripping apart a wall with a toothpick.
After loading and unloading a truck until nearly midnight…
Paul told me to stop looking on Craigslist for a while.
He said I had reached my quota.
I nodded and pretended like he was the one who made such decisions.
Then I went and looked on Craigslist.
Now.
Three things:
1. I have a totally ill-advised fondness for anyone named Rocky.
2. Even I can see that a FIFTEEN foot-tall mirror may be too large for our house.
3. It’s probably total junk.
There are lots, and lots, and lots of mirrors in the antique-listings on craigslist. Half of them are junk. The other half aren’t even old. Plus, a posting with no photo is USUALLY a guarantee that it’s not worth your time.
So I closed the tab… and told myself it was nothing.
I certainly didn’t say anything to Paul about it.
But a few weeks later, I saw it again… and the primordial-mirror-troll that lives in my head said: you should find out what that is.
And I was like—look, mirror-troll:
A. Paul’s head will explode.
B. How could I get a 15 FOOT mirror into the house?
And the mirror-troll said— What if it’s fancy? Why are you slacking off?
So I emailed the guy.
Did you read that?
Did you read it closely?
Is there any description that could possibly be more appealing to me than something that looks like a KINGDOM?
No. No there is not.
The mirror-troll was like— S.C.O.R.E.
And I said— hold on, twelve-feet is still WAY TOO BIG.
The mirror-troll said—I bet it’s not that big.
I bet they didn’t even measure it.
I BET YOU SHOULD GET IT.
I was like– word.
So on Saturday morning, I said to Paul, casually— do you want to go look at something?
I think his hair actually stood on end.
He was like— WHAT?
No! No, I do not!
I was like— oh, okay, well… we could go this afternoon… if you wanted to.
You know what he said?
Nothing. NOT ONE THING.
That silence USED to make me insane. But now I see it as a stage in the Kübler-Ross model of acceptance.
Not even twenty-minutes later, he said—what is this thing you want to see?
To you, this sounds like a question. To me, it sounds like defeat.
So. You can see that this is the smallest house ever.
Which did not at ALL bode well for what I was hoping.
We rang the bell, and the guy came out… He walked past us, down the front steps and started down the sidewalk.
Paul said—should we follow you? Where are we going?
And the guy said— it’s in the alley, under a tarp… it doesn’t fit in the house.
I really wish I had a photo of the look on Paul’s face.
Paul said— what? Excuse me? How big is this?
The guy said—about 12 feet.
Paul said—TWELVE feet?
I could hear him gritting his teeth.
Sucker.
Sometimes? When Paul is giving me his best stony silence? I just pretend I don’t notice.
It’s way more convenient.
I said cheerfully—that’s NOT twelve feet tall!
Paul acted like this was somehow not of utmost importance.
He said—why did you bring me to look at a mirror that was advertised as 12 feet tall?
And I said—I didn’t.
It was advertised as 15 feet tall.
But I thought they might be wrong.
I guess Paul is jealous of the way the universe is my personal shopper, because he didn’t even acknowledge that it’s pretty amazing how I psychically knew this.
To cheer him up, I told him—the guy says it looks like a kingdom.
Paul said— I have no idea what you’re talking about.
I was like—a KINGDOM. Kings? Castles? Have you seen the Vatican?
AND THEN:
I was like– I think I’m going to have a seizure.
The mirror-troll said—I TOLD YOU SO.
Proving for all time, that you NEVER KNOW what is on the other end of a craigslist ad.
It’s probably total crap. But it might be this:
I said—yup. For sure. I will DEFINITELY be needing that.
Let’s pack it up.
Paul said— are you kidding me? Are you even seeing the same thing I am?
And I was like—look at me. Look me in the eye. Do you really believe I am leaving here without this? Because I’m not.
If I have to go on steroids for the next six months? And get a trainer to teach me to dead-lift 1,000 pounds so that I can move it myself?
This will happen.
Paul has this look that he gets. Where CLEARLY he would like to kill someone. But now he is totally inconvenienced because he CAN’T.
Because he has to move a giant mirror.
Obviously, I’m fine with murderous-irritation… it’s a small price to pay for my everlasting happiness.
Besides, it’s not my fault that the universe WANTS ME TO HAVE THESE THINGS.
In fact? It is OUTSIDE MY CONTROL.
We went home to get Brian’s truck… and on the way, I texted a photo to my mom.
She said— WOW! I cannot WAIT to see it in your house!
I told Paul—my mom loves it!
Paul said– that’s because everyone in your family is an insane enabler with no concept of reality.
Which is true. And also why I love them.
What’s that?
You’re thinking this does not look totally reasonable?
Well, it is.
All we had to do was lay it on the bed of the truck. And then use the magic straps which, for about five dollars and a lot of irritation, will do everything including hauling giant bookshelves up three flights of stairs.
Which is a whole other post.
Then we drove home on I-95, which is 14-lanes wide… There is nothing like transporting a Kingdom down a freeway, at 60 miles-an-hour, while tractor-trailers blow by you.
You have not experienced the meaning of FUN. Until you have done this.
Especially since everyone got to listen to me say 47,984 times—OH MY GOD I CANNOT BELIEVE WE ARE GETTING THIS. CAN YOU BELIEVE WE ARE GETTING THIS?
OH MY GOD I CANNOT BELIEVE IT.
CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?
Everyone really enjoyed that part.
The guys who helped us get it in the house (and will never help us move anything again, because it weighs at least 800 pounds) were like—what are you going to do with it?
And I’m confused by what that question means.
I’m not going to DO anything with it.
It exists. Therefore it is mine.
The end.
see the HUGE Victorian wardrobe we salvaged
the greatest bookcase of all time
antique grand piano we turned into our kitchen island
see ALL my BEST Craigslist finds
June 19, 2013 @ 10:41 am
That. Is. Amazing. Also I sent this post to my twin/roomie so she will realize how lucky she is that we don’t have the money for such things. Because otherwise. . . (Thought you might like to know that she is in love with your bathroom, but doesn’t post comments on the internet.)
June 19, 2013 @ 10:59 am
I have to say, one of the BEST blog posts I have ever read. You scored girlfriend!! I bet you and your husband are a riot to be around. LOVE your new mirror!
June 19, 2013 @ 11:19 am
Ok, this one story got me to subscribe to your site. Loved it! The Kingdom Mirror.
June 19, 2013 @ 2:47 pm
Most INSANELY awesome find EVER!
June 19, 2013 @ 4:17 pm
Oh! Oh! Oh! It’s gorgeous!
June 19, 2013 @ 4:32 pm
That is amazing. It actually matches the mirror in the adjoining hallway – I’m not sure how that’s possible. And it fits in your house – possibly more stunning still. (Totally loving the “kingdom” on top. A pretty solid description, when all is said and done.)
How does Paul feel about it now?
June 19, 2013 @ 5:22 pm
THIS story should be the first chapter in your sci-fi/fantasy novel about a woman who finds the most gorgeous mirror in the most inconspicuous place ….. and steps through it into a different time/dimension/space, name your thrill!
(Oh, and Paul will miss her dearly and be so happy to have her when she comes back …. but he will refuse til the end of their days to ever go “look at something” with her again.)
June 19, 2013 @ 6:06 pm
WHAT??? You have TWO kingdom mirrors???
I totally love your writing style. So fun:)
June 19, 2013 @ 9:12 pm
Yep, loving your posts.
June 20, 2013 @ 2:38 am
As a guy named Paul, I feel strangely annoyed and fascinated.
June 20, 2013 @ 2:46 am
Wow. What a cunt. You waste money on a stupid mirror you have no place to put, and act like a fucking princess who would probably throw a hissy fit if told no. And what about that pussy husband/bf of yours? What a faggot. I bet he paints your nails for you too.
June 20, 2013 @ 12:45 pm
Looks like someone’s jealous that he’s not personally empowered enough to stand behind his words by showing his name – which means he’s certainly not empowered enough to have a kingdom. You go, Victoria!
June 20, 2013 @ 2:28 pm
Probably? I think there was no question whatsoever about whether or not a hissyfit would have ensued.
Amiright?
Any good man knows how to properly deal with a potential hissyfit.
June 20, 2013 @ 3:49 pm
Some Guy, you need to get laid! Relax! Please! It’s just a funny cute story! Really? You had to go there? Did you ever think that maybe she tells this story the way she does for effect? Trying to add humor to a story is a gift and I commend her. You on the other hand are rude and need to read my blog about acting respectful. Go find Buddha, please.
June 27, 2013 @ 11:59 pm
Lorin, I think you’re dead-on with your diagnosis. Problem is, with that attitude, it’s never gonna happen….
April 14, 2016 @ 11:34 am
You want a diagnosis, this is pure narcissism. She is acting abusively towards her husband, and you’re all enabling it by cheering her on. Paul’s been effectively dehumanized here, but that’s okay because pretty mirrors. Disgusting.
June 20, 2013 @ 3:25 am
I love your post! I think your so funny and very entertaining!
Only’ SOME GUY ‘ could come up with such a crude comment as the above. What’s a guy doing on this blog in the first place?
Gorgeous mirror!!! Keep doing what your doing, you do it Sooo well.
June 20, 2013 @ 12:13 pm
That is Gorgeous!!!!!! No way can you pass that up! Awesome find 🙂
June 20, 2013 @ 12:24 pm
WOW, I love that mirror! I don’t blame your mirror troll at all for telling you that YOU MUST GO SEE the irror! A KINGDON it is for sure.
June 20, 2013 @ 1:13 pm
OMG. My best friend shared your blog post on Facebook, because she immediately recognized you as one of Our Tribe. 🙂 I laughed so hard as I read this – and your husband sounds just like mine. I agree with the girl who posted she is in physical pain from jealousy and still wants to be your BFF. I have room for more BFFs myself.
June 20, 2013 @ 1:23 pm
I am officially signing up for your blog feed. I have to. I have to read what you write. OMG – I died reading this and I read it ALL THE WAY TO THE END. Forget the rude comment from the guy. He doesn’t have an adequate understanding of the universe, reality and mirrors that look like kingdoms. Yes, that word would have driven me to look at the mirror, too.
June 20, 2013 @ 1:40 pm
That mirror is not the only treasure found – I can not believe I am JUST NOW diving into the fantabulouslness of your site. Like Barb I was on the edge of my seat.
June 20, 2013 @ 2:45 pm
Oh! Oh!! That is fabulously gorgeous. I need one. Or seven. Yes, definitely seven! Would eight be too many?
Although I have to say, I thought for sure that this post was going a completely different direction based on the title alone haha
June 20, 2013 @ 3:07 pm
Just found your blog. What a delight! I laughed all the way through 🙂
June 20, 2013 @ 3:07 pm
VATICAN is the perfect description. Love it!
June 20, 2013 @ 4:34 pm
Awesome story. I was SO hoping it would end with a pic of the mirror in your house. Seeing it there along with another one that could have been its younger sibling… Delicious! But we need a sequel… I want to know more! Why did Rocky have it? Where did it come from? How is it related to your other mirror?
June 20, 2013 @ 5:04 pm
Nice mirror. Good find.
But why do you give “the universe” credit for helping you find stuff on Craigslist, while TWICE you use God as a cuss word? Are we so post-modern that we forget to give credit where its due? Praise him, don’t “OMG” him.
June 20, 2013 @ 7:53 pm
I found my husband/house/coffee table/sofa on the other end of a craigslist ad. And also some terrible roommates. But never such a beautiful mirror!
June 20, 2013 @ 11:27 pm
WOW! It’s all well worth it. And it is fabulous with the other mirror. You would be insane to not get it. Paul is a lucky guy (and he knows it)
June 21, 2013 @ 12:13 am
I just found your blog via Planting Sequoias at http://annebronkema.wordpress.com/2013/06/19/on-writing-and-wearing-out. Oh my you are fun to read. Got to read about this Craigslist treasure and about your best friend — a little hilarity and a lot of love. Thanks for making my night!
June 21, 2013 @ 12:33 am
We so NEED to live in the same town. We could have the best time running down mirrors, fabrics and the best place to get a really great sandwich.
Unfortunately I live in the desert where most craigs list items are the detritus of somebody’s grandparent’s 1980s condo decorated in early goodfellas. *sigh*
You rock. You definitely rock.
June 21, 2013 @ 11:56 am
And once again, I repeat: a) you’re hilarious. On a related note, b) you’re totally justified, because you already own its twin, and obviously that mirror BELONGS in your home!
So enjoy your blog posts. Thanks for taking the time to loose your barbaric yawp into the world (Whitman) and entertain us all.
June 21, 2013 @ 12:24 pm
I just spit out valuable caffeine while reading that post. Thanks for the chuckle and I can’t wait to read the rest!
June 21, 2013 @ 12:43 pm
Amazeballs. I’ll be following along for more of your humor, that was a great read 😉 and the mirror Wow! I wonder where Rocky got it?
June 21, 2013 @ 2:18 pm
You are one hysterical lady and my hubby would have flipped out on me! Great, great piece of writing (and the mirror’s okay, too!)
June 21, 2013 @ 2:31 pm
Could we see a close-up of the Kingdom?
June 21, 2013 @ 2:55 pm
So happy to have found this blog today–love!
June 21, 2013 @ 2:59 pm
You may have two kingdom mirrors, but I have no doubt Paul is well aware that it is really a queendom. As well it should be in the decorating realm of the castle.
Bliss
June 21, 2013 @ 5:50 pm
Had to laugh… Paul sounds an awful lot like my husband. Amazing mirror and a great story too!!
June 21, 2013 @ 6:41 pm
My husband hates it when I read stuff from the internet to him, it drives him crazy, because he’s typically doing something else at the time, and hearing me scream someone else’s story from the other room is annoying. I don’t get that, but oh well. So I start reading this to him, and the next thing I know, he’s over my shoulder, laughing hysterically, and saying “oh my! oh my!” (he’s British, so it fits, trust me) He loves it that you have a mirror-troll, by the way. 🙂
Amazing mirror!!!!!! Even better story!!! Thanks for a fantastic story to kick off the weekend!!
May all your CL adventures lead you to a kingdom!
June 21, 2013 @ 8:25 pm
I would have divorced you before picking up that giant pain in the ass.
June 28, 2013 @ 9:00 pm
See, the secret to getting laid and often is to find an amazing woman who needs your services…and then offer them begrudgingly but often when she finds things she wants for her queendom.
People like this grow old together…
July 12, 2013 @ 8:18 am
So glad I happened upon this comment, which I missed the first 10 times I read this post. Victoria Elizabeth, you are my hero(ine). Oh, to find words such as these to express myself.
July 12, 2013 @ 7:40 am
Which is why you probably have a bland, lifeless house, and a bland lifeless girlfriend/wife.
April 14, 2016 @ 11:36 am
No, it means he’s probably got a good life with a partner that actually respects him more than furniture. You can just read the disdain Victoria has for Paul all over this.
June 21, 2013 @ 9:01 pm
Hilarious! It’s a beautiful kingdom, really. Bonus points for the kitty on the sofa!
June 21, 2013 @ 11:02 pm
SCORE!
June 22, 2013 @ 1:09 am
Swear.
When I saw the first tiny peek I said; “holy shit”.
And then saw you did to.
Mind meld?
That is freaking spectacular!!!!!!!!!!!! And you totally deserve it just for going to investigate.
Cheers to you.
Enjoy it’s utter fabulouseness.
June 22, 2013 @ 7:37 am
This is the absolute reflection of how the universe works in ones favor to the joy of many by the willingness if a few. Yay!!