I hope you are impressed with my craft skills.
Preface:
WHY is this not a post about the bed? It’s because I am disorganized. Hopefully you will forgive me when you see the video of us outside the house, (update: here! Roof! Ramps!) hauling it up to the second floor so we can shove it in the front window.
End preface.
Ok. Since it’s Christmas, (see my holiday house tour) I was asked to demonstrate my one craft skill: how to make a bow for an online video thingy.
It was pretty exciting to me because I do not comprehend the difference between a Google+ hangout and being on TV. (If you are curious, the video is at the end of this post… I talk too much and mistakenly refer to Paul as long-suffering instead of extremely lucky.)
Apparently I fooled the video people into thinking I am a competent-type-person. Because they asked me if I wanted to be a “featured blogger” in the Pinterest party they are doing with Michael’s.
Which? Hello? Yes. Thank you, I do. In fact, there is nowhere I would NOT be a featured blogger. If someone told me I could be the featured blogger at the grand reopening of Alcatraz, I would wear sequins and hope that I got to give a speech.
So the idea is that I make my version of a suggested craft and share it with you all. Then, Sunday I go to my actual Michael’s store, hang out, and help people with their projects. Come hang out and we can make friendship bracelets!!
After I explained this to Paul, he said – what does that mean? Help people?
I said – you know, ADVISE them. Because I am an EXPERT.
Also, I will facilitate an air of celebratory soirée like Bunny Mellon at The Met Gala.***
***Technically, I am not sure this is exactly what Michael’s is expecting of me… But it’s what I do– exceed expectations. (Unless they are totally reasonable expectations. Then all bets are off.)
But first, I must make something as a sample of my expertise… And since I am an expert, obviously I must impress you.
It is good that Michael’s gave some parameters and suggestions, otherwise this would have quickly spiraled into chaos, panic, and me deciding to try knitting. Or sculpting. Or oil painting.
Or all three.
One of the suggested projects involved terracotta pots and I decided I would take this opportunity to actually make something I have pinned. Generally I treat my Pinterest boards as a place to collect ideas that I will never do… unless they follow me into the afterlife where I might have extra time on my hands.
I’ve had this tutorial pinned pretty much since I joined Pinterest. (This woman used the same tutorial, but I like her pot designs even better.)
The idea is that you faux-age terracotta pots with paint and sandpaper. And then create a design on your computer with graphics and French script and print it out on some kind of transfer paper which you rub on the pot and then cover it with ModPodge and lacquer and then there are 357 other steps.
I was excited. Because my planters were going to be better. So, so, so much better.
So I ran out into the backyard and fired up the kiln and started mining my own clay.
Then I went to the craft store and started running up and down the aisles and flinging stuff into my cart. Saying – I will craft this. And that. And all of these.
THE WORKSHOP OF CRAFTINESS IS OPEN.
While I was at it, I decided that I would make an extra one as a housewarming gift for a friend. I was planning a combination of these ideas – basically a bucket of practical stuff that you need (but cannot find) when you first move in.
Plus, I figured that adding a plant makes it more an actual thing to warm your home and less like a basket of cleaning supplies and wine. (Besides, if you are going to be that practical you might as well go all the way– the only true gift for someone surrounded by moving boxes is a bottle of pure grain alcohol. And a straw.)
However. Once my initial burst of featured-blogger-mania wore off, I realized I lost myself at transfer paper…Let’s be serious, that is FAR too many steps.
I mean, obviously, I am not here to preach restraint… If you can slog through all those steps and not abandon it halfway, I would guess that your entire life is superior to mine.
But here on my planet, the attention span is about 30 minutes. And that includes getting the supplies together.
My projects need to be simple and straightforward and above all cannot stretch into day two. Otherwise I just make a huge mess that sits unfinished in the middle of the living room for weeks until I bundle it up and shove it deep in my closet of shame.
OR I need to be so irrationally obsessed with an idea of such complexity that I will sacrifice any amount of time and sanity and force my husband to cut yards of fabric. (Not that that was a good idea.)
So I decided I would make a version of faux-aged terracotta pots for craft-lazy people. You don’t see any of of those tutorials on Pinterest. I am such an innovator.
Literally ALL I did was dampen a sponge, dip it in white paint, and rub it haphazardly on the pot. *fyi: before you get the paint involved, moisten the surface of the pot… the terracotta is very dry and is going to suck up paint FAST. To avoid it sticking more in one spot then another, you want the pot to be damp.
But it was too easy. What kind of tutorial only has one step? So I added some smudges of gray paint. (I just used paint we had in the basement.) It is going to dry lighter, so you may need to wait an hour to see what it actually looks like.
After I was done I was happy with how it looked. And I was extra happy that it took about 3 minutes. But I realized I had not fooled myself into believing the pot was actually old and that was going to be a problem for me.
I like my old, broken junk to actually be old and broken. I need to take it out of someone’s filthy disgusting basement in order for it to have value to me. Apparently I feel my possessions are enhanced by proximity to portable toilets.
Fortunately I am great at the part where you fling aside your current project and began something totally new.
Next!!!
I have been wanting some white pots. (Like this pin.) But I will never buy any because I have learned that whenever I buy house stuff that is not some dirty, rickety item of basement-awesomeness, I lose interest as soon as I get it home.
But now, like the resourceful blogger that I am, I WILL MAKE MY OWN.
—-> imaginary seamless transition to new topic.
I have lost control of this post so I am just going to pretend I wrapped that up cleanly.
Let’s recap:
- Sunday: update– it’s over! THANKS FOR COMING OUT!
- I have seen some of the other blogger’s projects. Which made me want to start over because a few people used goldleaf, and that never even occurred to me, so I will be rectifying that on Sunday… (What exactly I will be gilding is undecided, possibly myself.)
Susan
February 12, 2014 @ 5:40 pm
Michael’s. Sigh. I am not a crafter. My only experience with Michaels is going there a few days before my wedding and experiencing a total meltdown. Tears, shaking and loud wailing. If the floors were not piled high with baskets and other strange-to-me crafting supplies I might still be there, curled up in a ball. In retrospect it probably wasn’t Michaels but the thought of making 75 cute-as-hell floral decorations for the reception in the next 24 hours.
But, then again , it could be Michael’s… Perhaps we could bond over that bottle of grain alcohol and share flower arranging horror stories
Melinda Mosley
February 12, 2014 @ 5:56 pm
You are so cute! I can’t wait for your posts and I never delete your emails!
Marisa Franca
February 12, 2014 @ 6:13 pm
I think you are terrific. And what is totally great is I can actually follow your train of thought. My parents thought about naming me Victoria instead they settled for Marisa.
Darling Lily
February 12, 2014 @ 7:23 pm
I have never in my life been so distraught that I do not live in PA. You need to move to Mississippi, or at least come visit.
Perhaps not in August, though.
Will Paul be joining you at Michael’s or is he taking this opportunity to freeze the checking accounts and change the locks on the doors? 😉
Jessica @ Mom 4 Real
February 12, 2014 @ 7:50 pm
You are amazing. I don’t even care what you made, I could just listen to you talk I think. I wish we could merge our Michael’s events and have a real party…I’ll bring wine! You my girl are fabulous!
Sharon B.
February 12, 2014 @ 7:58 pm
I wish I could clone myself and head on over to PA for YOUR party! Just you telling that story had me in stiches. They will be lucky to have you!
Shawn
February 12, 2014 @ 11:38 pm
I believe we are about the same age. I suspect we may be twins (rather obviously not identical). I have a very similar craft attention span. Just before I sat down at the computer we were discussing ripping apart all of my main floor, which would be in addition to the basement that is currently awaiting a rebuild from a flood.
My Pinterest board also tends to be a great many projects that may or may not happen in my lifetime. Hmm. Maybe that’s what Purgatory is for; burning off our Pinterest related aspirations.
Sadie
February 12, 2014 @ 11:54 pm
I just recently started following your blog and love it. I am an antique lover also and used to be a picker, so I totally get the thrill of the hunt/find. I love your sense of humor and your style of writing. It never ceases to make me smile. 🙂 Thank you for being full of awesomeness!!!
Lindsay
February 13, 2014 @ 1:27 am
Have you ever seen that British comedy “Keeping up Appearances”? I read your posts like you are Hyacinth Bucket, except that you actually have talents and people like you… 😉
Deborah
February 13, 2014 @ 2:33 am
This is pure gold. lol I love your basket. Tres elegant!
I always begin crafting endeavors with lofty plans and even higher expectations. This leads me to any store where crafting items may be purchased. You should see the looks I get at the local “feed and seed” when I’m oooooo-ing and ahhhh-ing over galvanized chicken feeders and shepherds hooks. I formulate a brilliant/half-*** plan that requires more talent than I’ll ever possess, buy more supplies than I will ever need, and set out to create a masterpiece. Ever heard of a crafting spiral? They always point downward. Always. The supplies go back into the sack in which they were puchased , shoved into any secret place of shame to be found later, and then, donated to a local shelter or after school program.
P.S. If you’re lucky enough to see kids walking home with painted distressed and decorative shepherds hooks and galvanized chicken feeders? You’re welcome.
Catherine
February 13, 2014 @ 9:24 am
I am so sad that I won’t be able to go and meet you! Exton is my closest Michael’s, but I have to work this Sunday. Not that I need a new pot – we’re going to move in a few months and we need less stuff, not more. But I would distress a pot to meet you in person and thank you for being so entertaining.
Kristi
February 13, 2014 @ 10:24 am
Ha! I thought I was the only one that suffered from the start-a-project-then-lose-interest syndrome?! And then my sweet husband finishes up what I walked away from-like entire rooms of half painted walls on the third try of paint that is not the correct color, or furniture I’ve ripped apart and tried to reupholster-things like that. I loooove your house warming basket! Who wouldn’t want a gift as pretty as that? You made brown cleaning sponges look magazine worthy with those lovely grey ribbons! Brilliant!
Janice Powell
February 13, 2014 @ 10:48 am
Love your writing & ideas. You have a fun sense of humor and I find myself giggling and agreeing throughout your blog. The basket is wonderful and the home made touches are perfect; thoughtful and pretty.
Andie
February 13, 2014 @ 11:03 am
Soooo…This is what I garnered from this post. Please correct me if I am wrong.
You are very crafty…make that a little crafty, maybe not so crafty after all but mostly crafty in general.
Enter exhibit a). Pretty darn crafty but not old crafty, more like new-old.
Not enough to make you happy.
Enter exhibit b). Finely crafted but not crafty. Too good to be true so you eschew your craftiness altogether and opt for…
Magnanimously warm and thoughtful housewarming gift, containing crafts but not highlighting them because that is not who you ARE.
Humble, generous and craftier than you are willing to admit.
Now you are traveling (by invitation) to Michael’s in PA for the erudition and entertainment of all, possibly adorned with sequins.
How did I do?
As an aside, this is why I will never be invited to any event that requires any semblance of skill…
http://divinetheatre.blogspot.com/2011/11/how-not-to-make-moss-spheres.html
xo
Andie
Shelley
February 13, 2014 @ 1:55 pm
I think I’m turning into a creepy VEB groupie. Here are my symptoms: I saw the link to your newest blogpost on Facebook. IMMEDIATELY I click it and begin to read. I see that you mention your Hometalk video and I stop…video…video?…that means…I will hear her voice! (Ew I just creeped myself out) BUT I was so excited because I read your blog in one of two voices #1 a 40’s era lady detective voice full of quickness and sharp asides a la Katherine Hepburn OR #2 a New England aristocratic style voice a la Audrey Hepburn. You have a very “Hepburn” quality! I was on a mission to watch this video. In my excitement I got flustered and thought you meant the video was at the end of THIS post. Oh no! I scroll back up and click on the Hometalk link. “What is this?” I say to myself, “These posts aren’t from VEB and are useless to me.” I come back to your blog and finally see the link I need. I was just blinded by anticipation. I begin to play your video. I actually hushed MY OWN CHILD so I could hear you. Then there is was… Well, what do you know! She doesn’t sound dissimilar to me! I was let down and encouraged at the same time. So, Victoria, while you may not sound like a Hepburn you have the style, moxie, and life-loving qualities of both of those great ladies. I could have saved all this space and just said, “I love you. I love your blog.”, but then I wouldn’t be the weirdo that I am.
Pamela Hirata
February 13, 2014 @ 5:40 pm
I think someday you’ll have your own TV show!! Love your ideas and comments & remarks. Thanks to Paul your wonderful husband, Hawaii gets to read your blogs now. Pat on the back for Paul for sharing!
Elaine in Laguna
February 13, 2014 @ 6:33 pm
When Alcatraz calls, I’ll be there…driving 6 hours from the south to meet you. I can bring sequins, too! Wishing you the best crafty time Sunday at your Michael’s – wish it was my Michael’s. Is it too late to switch?!?
teresa
February 14, 2014 @ 3:24 am
or you could use stencils (or those letters with glue on the back and make the letters in reverse i.e with the lighter color as the base, then putting on the letters, then painting the final color of the pot, carefully peel off the letters and then top coat if desired)
or use that special crackling paint that is in most craft stores, where you put on your base coat, mix in the special crackling stuff with your top color, paint it on and let it age.
i have seen it at hobby lobby and joanns so i’m pretty sure michaels would have it too.
though with the crackling stuff, i’m not sure how you would do the lettering.
but pretty cool idea, thanks.
will have to try it out.
sarah @ homeologymodernvintage
February 14, 2014 @ 10:18 am
I truly love your project, but it’s completely upstaged by your hilarious post! Enjoyed getting to know you + your blog from the Pinterest Party!
Miss Kitty
February 14, 2014 @ 11:14 pm
Girl, I had the BEST time tonight (since my husband did not do a #%&* thing for Valentine’s Day) reading your hilarious blog post! You are quite creative AND so very funny! Thanks for sharing how to age a pot and please don’t forget the wine opener in the home warming gift (along with the wine, of course).