I hope you are impressed with my craft skills.
Preface:
WHY is this not a post about the bed? It’s because I am disorganized. Hopefully you will forgive me when you see the video of us outside the house, (update: here! Roof! Ramps!) hauling it up to the second floor so we can shove it in the front window.
End preface.
Ok. Since it’s Christmas, (see my holiday house tour) I was asked to demonstrate my one craft skill: how to make a bow for an online video thingy.
It was pretty exciting to me because I do not comprehend the difference between a Google+ hangout and being on TV. (If you are curious, the video is at the end of this post… I talk too much and mistakenly refer to Paul as long-suffering instead of extremely lucky.)
Apparently I fooled the video people into thinking I am a competent-type-person. Because they asked me if I wanted to be a “featured blogger” in the Pinterest party they are doing with Michael’s.
Which? Hello? Yes. Thank you, I do. In fact, there is nowhere I would NOT be a featured blogger. If someone told me I could be the featured blogger at the grand reopening of Alcatraz, I would wear sequins and hope that I got to give a speech.
So the idea is that I make my version of a suggested craft and share it with you all. Then, Sunday I go to my actual Michael’s store, hang out, and help people with their projects. Come hang out and we can make friendship bracelets!!
After I explained this to Paul, he said – what does that mean? Help people?
I said – you know, ADVISE them. Because I am an EXPERT.
Also, I will facilitate an air of celebratory soirée like Bunny Mellon at The Met Gala.***
***Technically, I am not sure this is exactly what Michael’s is expecting of me… But it’s what I do– exceed expectations. (Unless they are totally reasonable expectations. Then all bets are off.)
But first, I must make something as a sample of my expertise… And since I am an expert, obviously I must impress you.
It is good that Michael’s gave some parameters and suggestions, otherwise this would have quickly spiraled into chaos, panic, and me deciding to try knitting. Or sculpting. Or oil painting.
Or all three.
One of the suggested projects involved terracotta pots and I decided I would take this opportunity to actually make something I have pinned. Generally I treat my Pinterest boards as a place to collect ideas that I will never do… unless they follow me into the afterlife where I might have extra time on my hands.
I’ve had this tutorial pinned pretty much since I joined Pinterest. (This woman used the same tutorial, but I like her pot designs even better.)
The idea is that you faux-age terracotta pots with paint and sandpaper. And then create a design on your computer with graphics and French script and print it out on some kind of transfer paper which you rub on the pot and then cover it with ModPodge and lacquer and then there are 357 other steps.
I was excited. Because my planters were going to be better. So, so, so much better.
So I ran out into the backyard and fired up the kiln and started mining my own clay.
Then I went to the craft store and started running up and down the aisles and flinging stuff into my cart. Saying – I will craft this. And that. And all of these.
THE WORKSHOP OF CRAFTINESS IS OPEN.
While I was at it, I decided that I would make an extra one as a housewarming gift for a friend. I was planning a combination of these ideas – basically a bucket of practical stuff that you need (but cannot find) when you first move in.
Plus, I figured that adding a plant makes it more an actual thing to warm your home and less like a basket of cleaning supplies and wine. (Besides, if you are going to be that practical you might as well go all the way– the only true gift for someone surrounded by moving boxes is a bottle of pure grain alcohol. And a straw.)
However. Once my initial burst of featured-blogger-mania wore off, I realized I lost myself at transfer paper…Let’s be serious, that is FAR too many steps.
I mean, obviously, I am not here to preach restraint… If you can slog through all those steps and not abandon it halfway, I would guess that your entire life is superior to mine.
But here on my planet, the attention span is about 30 minutes. And that includes getting the supplies together.
My projects need to be simple and straightforward and above all cannot stretch into day two. Otherwise I just make a huge mess that sits unfinished in the middle of the living room for weeks until I bundle it up and shove it deep in my closet of shame.
OR I need to be so irrationally obsessed with an idea of such complexity that I will sacrifice any amount of time and sanity and force my husband to cut yards of fabric. (Not that that was a good idea.)
So I decided I would make a version of faux-aged terracotta pots for craft-lazy people. You don’t see any of of those tutorials on Pinterest. I am such an innovator.
Literally ALL I did was dampen a sponge, dip it in white paint, and rub it haphazardly on the pot. *fyi: before you get the paint involved, moisten the surface of the pot… the terracotta is very dry and is going to suck up paint FAST. To avoid it sticking more in one spot then another, you want the pot to be damp.
But it was too easy. What kind of tutorial only has one step? So I added some smudges of gray paint. (I just used paint we had in the basement.) It is going to dry lighter, so you may need to wait an hour to see what it actually looks like.
After I was done I was happy with how it looked. And I was extra happy that it took about 3 minutes. But I realized I had not fooled myself into believing the pot was actually old and that was going to be a problem for me.
I like my old, broken junk to actually be old and broken. I need to take it out of someone’s filthy disgusting basement in order for it to have value to me. Apparently I feel my possessions are enhanced by proximity to portable toilets.
Fortunately I am great at the part where you fling aside your current project and began something totally new.
Next!!!
I have been wanting some white pots. (Like this pin.) But I will never buy any because I have learned that whenever I buy house stuff that is not some dirty, rickety item of basement-awesomeness, I lose interest as soon as I get it home.
But now, like the resourceful blogger that I am, I WILL MAKE MY OWN.
—-> imaginary seamless transition to new topic.
I have lost control of this post so I am just going to pretend I wrapped that up cleanly.
Let’s recap:
- Sunday: update– it’s over! THANKS FOR COMING OUT!
- I have seen some of the other blogger’s projects. Which made me want to start over because a few people used goldleaf, and that never even occurred to me, so I will be rectifying that on Sunday… (What exactly I will be gilding is undecided, possibly myself.)
February 12, 2014 @ 11:07 am
Having not finished wallpapering (beadboard texture, so I can paint a lovely color… someday), guilt set in, and I skipped straight to the part about the bottle of pure gain alcohol and a straw.
I sure hope these cabinets do NOT follow me into the afterlife; I was counting on a mansion.
February 12, 2014 @ 11:21 am
Dear V.E.,
I finally gave in and shared you on Facebook. I had been trying to keep you for myself . (Look what happened when I shared Pioneer Woman! I loved her back when she only had four or five comments on a post. And YoungHouseLove! Before I shared them, they were just a young couple and a little dog who were planning a backyard wedding.) Please don’t let fame and fortune change you – I love you just the way you are!
Kathy
February 12, 2014 @ 12:08 pm
So basically what you are telling me is that YOU are the reason I’m not the Pioneer Woman?
xoxo
February 12, 2014 @ 11:17 pm
But do you really want to BE the Pioneer Woman??? You would have to raise cows!!!!!
February 12, 2014 @ 11:36 am
DIY and I don’t seem to see eye to eye. That said, I wish I was on the receiving end of your housewarming gift basket! If I lived closer I’d pop in to see the amazing crafts folks are undoubtedly going to present at Michael’s. Good luck.
Karen
February 12, 2014 @ 12:02 pm
You make me laugh…out loud…at work! I love the closet of shame. I so have one of those…only it’s not finished so it is a shell of a closet of shame. Someday when it nears the top of my overburdened (what makes you think I am a contractor?) husband’s to-do list I might actually have shelves to pile in more items of shame…and a door. For now I hung a curtain in front of it to hide the messy shame piles on the floor…
February 12, 2014 @ 12:22 pm
Can we just savor for a moment the wisdom that is this? “the only true gift for someone surrounded by moving boxes is a bottle of pure grain alcohol. And a straw.”
And regarding the title of this post, you hope we’re impressed with your craft skills? Victoria, we are beyond impressed with everything you do. You wrangled the renovation of a Victorian while keeping your marriage together and your tiara shining. You are the featured blogger of life.
February 13, 2014 @ 11:14 am
“You are the featured blogger of life.”
I am having this framed. Or maybe tattooed on my forehead.
xoxo
February 12, 2014 @ 12:44 pm
I am totally in love with you in a cool-girlfriend-you-are-hysterically-funny sort of way. If I did not live in Colorado I would be at your Michaels store. And I would hug you, too, and try not to be creepy. So. Aside from your BRILLIANT comment about moving, grain alcohol, straw, I NEED TO KNOW how you put “home” on the pot!Hello?! TELL me you didn’t freehand that. If you DID, you are the Ultimate Goddess. And, is the word covered with glitter? I need to know!
February 13, 2014 @ 11:16 am
I spent a lot of time with a pencil and erasing… Then, I ruined one pot… Then I found some “Home” trinket in my box of junk that I could kind of trace the top and bottom so I just had to fill in the middle of the letters.
Now you are less than impressed.
February 12, 2014 @ 12:52 pm
I have a sneaking suspicion that you have much more control of things than you let on. Don’t worry. It’ll be our little secret.
February 12, 2014 @ 1:34 pm
How have I not found you before????? You are me except with words {I use words…like now and sometimes when I talk…sometimes it’s just nods and noises that I make} but my brain works like yours with the exception of you can actually type out your words…you are awesome {I feel a kinship here…do you??? Now I’m looking needy…nevermind}. I love your craft and your housewarming gift….such a great idea. If I weren’t going to be at my local Michaels and you at yours we could have met up and driven some other poor blogger crazy as we tried to make a craft with her. Ahhh….I’m a dreamer!
February 12, 2014 @ 1:48 pm
Gold Leaf? What the hell is Gold Leaf? Then again I am having my crafting license revoked for being the only blogger I know who has just tried Mod Podge for the first time in her life this past month. I don’t even know if that’s allowed. And I spelled it wrong in the original copy of my post.
Now if I could just Michael’s to follow me back on HomeTalk, I could actual stalk them properly.
February 12, 2014 @ 9:20 pm
I bet you wrote Modge Podge right? It always gets me too…
February 12, 2014 @ 1:48 pm
Oh, where to even start. I actually found myself taking notes of favorite phrases and things in this post. And feeling so lame for doing it, but couldn’t help myself. Everything, and I mean everything you were saying. I could so relate. From being thankful that Michaels set some parameters, lest things would spiral in to chaos for you. Boundaries and parameters are key when you have little to no self control. To the end, where you admitted you had lost control of your post. I am forever saying, “What was I talking about”? to people. And bless their hearts nine times out of ten they remember. Frequently I bore myself when I talk and I’m always so impressed when they remember. And I do not have a closet of shame, I have a room of shame. Of unfinished projects that were so exciting at first and quicky become mundane. I have to find something else to start on, so I can find something else to start on soon after. I also have a husband who is so understanding of my crafting issues. So tolerant that recently he never mentioned a Bead Tray with a partially finished necklace sitting on the dining room table for over two months. I fashioned that bad boy up in a hurry, only to be stumped by how to get the clasp and finishing done. Because it needs to be perfect. I decided the best course of action was to let it sit there. And sit there. It’s moved to my crap room now. Sitting there. He never even asked, “Why is this here”? All of those months. He and Paul would be friends. So now I’m off to my very own Michaels to return two sacks of crap I bought on Saturday. I generally never do that, I will just add it to my stash. Because some day I might really need it. I call my Craft Room my Crap room, in case you missed that. The first step is admitting you have a problem. But I’m drawing the line on this project, even for me. I saw a post online where you could order a customized Bus Roll. You know, those cool, old fashion’y looking random words. On a roll. So I thought, I don’t need to buy that for my husband for Valentine’s Day with a list of ‘significant’ events/dates/locations and words from our nearly 30 year marriage. I can just make that myself! So I head to Michaels. I’ll just get me some watercolor paper, some paints, some brushes, and a frame and have that done in no time. Watercolor Paper:Buy a pad, get a pad free. So I stand, and I stand. And I finally decide I will not cave to the pressure and buy a giant pad that I don’t need (only the brown and green ones were on sale, I “needed” a white one). So I made myself move on, and forgo the BOGO sale there. So proud of myself. Next stop, watercolors. Oh no, I couldn’t buy just a small set of watercolors. After all, this project needed to be fabulous. So of course I would need the “Learn To Draw With Watercolors” set. After all, it included brushes, I’d be saving money in the long run. And really, if I was going to make this cool project, I should ‘learn’ how to watercolor properly. Done. So I head to the frames. My shoulders slumped as I round the corner and see that virtually all frames are Buy One Get One Free. I should have been so excited, but it was going to cause me more angst, which frames do I really need (none) and which frames do I want? What future project do I have in my crap room whereby I can utilize a free frame? So, I was in the store for well over an hour and was practically sick to my stomach as I trudged to the car with two bags of crap for nearly $50 (I had to go that particular day because I had a coupon for 20% off my entire purchase). Like I said, generally I will just add the crap to my stash, but even I know that realistically, I’m never going to teach myself to watercolor like a pro and make an acceptable, presentable, desirable Bus Roll for my beloved. Especially now since it’s only two days before the big event. My standards are much too high for that. And anyway, I bet it would need to dry for at least 24 hours before putting it in to my free frame. Right? Well, that’s my story. I feel better now. Sharing is Caring. So enjoy assisting your public with their crafts this weekend! Show ’em how it needs to be done. The right way. And never, ever stop posting. Because I love knowing there are other people out there who have issues as well!! P.S. I need to get online and see if I can still order that Bus Roll. His birthday is on the 19th. Maybe we could get it here on time?
February 12, 2014 @ 7:53 pm
Jolene, that was so funny! I can top you on the crap room. I have a whole basement full! Why is starting a project so much more fun than finishing it?
February 12, 2014 @ 2:10 pm
This is the first (and probably only) time I ever say this: I wish I lived in Pennsylvania. I wouldn’t even care if it was in Exter (wherever that is), I would drive to meet you on Sunday from whatever point of Pennsylvania I lived. Probably Phoenixville. Since I live in Phoenix now, it would make sense to move to Phoenixville, PA and that doesn’t look too far from Exter.
February 13, 2014 @ 11:22 am
Exton is about 30-45 minutes from Phoenixville, so well within stalking distance!
February 12, 2014 @ 2:28 pm
I love, love, love following your exploits!
That said, walking into Michael’s is frequently disastrous for me. So many ideas! So much pretty stuff pleading to be used in something! Anything!
I’ve begun learning to paint, with acrylics (which is what I had a lot of, for painting ornaments & the like. I am too stingy to invest in oils.) Right now I need white, which gets used up pretty fast, and the trip to Michael’s that I’m facing for that is making me anxious. I’ll have to force myself to walk in with pretend blinders straight to the white acrylic and then materialize by the cash registers. Will I make it?
I’m baffled as to why your DIY stuff always looks good; mine always looks unmistakably like DIY.
February 12, 2014 @ 2:57 pm
It’s official…you totally need instagram. 🙂
February 12, 2014 @ 3:05 pm
If my dear husband hadn’t made surprise Valentine plans for Saturday – the one year and a day anniversary of our engagement – I would be jumping in the car on Friday night and driving to PA from TX so I could meet you! You are awesome! I love your blog. And I adore your crafts. I am not crafty. I seriously just told my husband, this week, “If it takes longer than an hour, I will never finish it” which is why I hate sewing. I want to see the video. I want to hear about the bed. I don’t care if you are organized just write!
February 12, 2014 @ 3:21 pm
“If someone told me I could be the featured blogger at the grand reopening of Alcatraz, I would wear sequins and hope that I got to give a speech.”
NOTHING succeeds like excess!
February 12, 2014 @ 3:37 pm
Hi VEB!
I just had to tell you….My inner Mirror Troll came out this past weekend at Bmore Flea Market. Or it could have been yours escaped you & came rolling down I-95. I bought a mirror that was the perfect size for somewhere, I’m sure, in my house. It was all gilded & scratched & perfect. Thanks for the inspiration!
Robin
February 12, 2014 @ 4:28 pm
I’m sitting here picking through a ginourmous can of jelly belly’s, arguing with my son over his Captain America costume being too tight, and trying to come up with something witty to say…I’ve got nothin. So, I’ll just say, I love your blog! ~Lisa
February 12, 2014 @ 4:30 pm
I SO look forward to your posts. They’re the highlight of my day. You’re hilarious and so entertaining. Thanks.
February 12, 2014 @ 5:06 pm
I so wish that you were going to be at MY Michael’s. You make me laugh so much, even on the worst days. I am also so happy when you have a new post 🙂
Good luck on Sunday, you’ll be great!
February 12, 2014 @ 5:06 pm
alWAYS so happy
February 12, 2014 @ 5:30 pm
We are checking plane connections out of Midlothian VA to Exton Pa. but so far no luck-Looks like Virginia (in anticipation of several snow flakes) has pretty much shut down. And per usual every loaf of bread and bottle of milk has been stripped from the collective shelves of Ye Old Grocery Shoppes. Also every last electric heater within a hundred miles GONE and our furnace died yesterday. So we are cold and old…… neither state to be envied or desired. The furnace guy tells us said unit cannot be repaired- so of course as Death follows life it must be replaced at the paltry sum of 7000 (seven thousand) pieces of some sort of green paper. We were just wondering if you could craft us up some of those cause I’ve been looking all over this dammed house and didn’t spot any what-so-ever. By the way-we won’t be needing any tips about kitchens anymore. Another dream killed by the wonders of home ownership. Love your blog and we’re now checking Greyhound. If we don’t make it by the demonstration please wait because obviously we don’t know where you live.