123 Comments

  1. Kiki
    August 30, 2017 @ 1:33 pm

    @fixitchick:
    YESSSSS YES JAWOLL OUI SI SI ….. fixitchick is right and right….. BLUE is it, and you know WILD WOMEN DON’T GET THE BLUES 🙂
    wake up girl to a new day and your old Paul, he is the bestest…..

    Reply

  2. Darlene
    August 30, 2017 @ 1:33 pm

    Please write. I don’t care about what. I’ll read anything you write. Also please finish your kitchen so I can see how you incorporate GFTs. You must miss creating GFT moments. Miss your voice. I don’t care what color your stove is. It will look awesome anyway you do it.

    Reply

  3. ActualConversationsWithMyHusband
    August 30, 2017 @ 1:34 pm

    Sweetie… is it possible that you can’t face the kitchen because you’ve already dealt with all the Big Change you can handle right now? You pictured the house “finished” with Elvis curled up at your side, and now that’s not going to happen. This is so sad, it’s the saddest kind of sad—it’s rage-sad. Because it’s brutally unfair. The universe stole from you and now you’re supposed to not only keep getting haircuts like nothing’s wrong, but remodel a kitchen?

    But you are getting haircuts. You’re shaving your legs. And Future You will be so grateful for the effort you put in on the kitchen. Nobody (shut up, Paul) expects you to fling yourself back into it. But… maybe you could look at some fixtures? Tiles? Go on, demand a skylight on the ground floor, for old time’s sake.* Wade in slowly, so you don’t get a cramp, but you can do this. I believe in your ability to over-shop, over-plan, and drag out a remodel until you’re sick of it and finish in a mad rush.

    *seriously, google tubular skylight: it’s totally a thing

    Reply

  4. Judy
    August 30, 2017 @ 1:35 pm

    I hope you accept this with the love I am sending, but I think you have a classic sign of serious depression. I am not a professional but when my daughter was diagnosed the first time, my sister (who is a professional) told her that she will know when she is getting better (after great therapy and some medication) when things that used to excite her- but don’t now – start exciting her again. Your kitchen used to excite you. Now it paralyzes you. Please be kind to yourself and look for some professional guidance. I’m worried about you. And Paul. (I assume you screen comments before they are posted and don’t expect to see this on your page.)

    Reply

  5. kim elizabeth
    August 30, 2017 @ 1:37 pm

    VEB, Cobalt blue is absolutely my favorite color! I just about died when I saw those cobalt stoves, and if you got one like that, it would be a wonderful GFT and conversation piece, in addition to being practical!!

    Kim

    Reply

  6. Meg
    August 30, 2017 @ 1:48 pm

    I so get it. Once you are in that place you really can’t force it. Why don’t others get that? Must be zebra thinking. And if you truly don’t care about the kitchen…just let Paul get on with it. I suspect that may rekindle your interest because he can’t possibly make the right choices.

    Reply

  7. Teresa Bryan
    August 30, 2017 @ 1:51 pm

    Your Paul is obviously from a different age..and I think you are Coco Chanel…I was looking at old pictures of her the other day and as I looked at her hair, and the way the camera caught her expressions and even the way she held herself…I thought of…You..now don’t think that I stalk you or anything but you are kinda hard to forget..

    Reply

  8. Marianne in Mo.
    August 30, 2017 @ 2:01 pm

    We built our third house last year…..I totally know about brain shutdown. My man can go on and on about the same subject until I want to STAB him. He will visit EVERY car dealer before deciding on the FIRST ONE to buy from, and this takes about a years time. I shut down so often I should be a nuclear plant!
    Just continue to work your way through the only way that feels good to you – or if he is so anxious, tell him to finish it his way and when you feel better, we will redo it! LOL!
    As for color choice, I vote white with brass accents. Timeless and classic,

    Reply

  9. Johnece
    August 30, 2017 @ 2:15 pm

    When it is new, grief is a series of tsunamis that pull you under and threaten to never let you catch your breath. As time goes on, the waves settle into a gentle lapping at your ankles with beautiful memories. Wishing you a gentle tide to help you move forward.

    Reply

  10. Karen
    August 30, 2017 @ 2:19 pm

    Why not let Paul do the kitchen so he won’t be left in a state of upheaval? And you should accept what he does. You will learn to love it because you love him, and anything else would show rigidity. Please! acquire an approachable but practical therapist and consider medication for your depression. Most of us have had pets who’ve passed away (terrible!!), and most of your readers also cried for Elvis’s passing. We really grieved for you.
    Because one can acquire the habit, yes, habit, of being depressed, you want to turn it around if possible! Every day you spend in a horrible funk, suffering emotional paralysis, is one you might not have to endure if you get help.
    I hope the very best for you, because you spread a lot of light in our lives, and your relationship with Paul deserves to be strong and happy. Please keep us posted.

    Reply

  11. April
    August 30, 2017 @ 2:22 pm

    My day started with a phone call from my daughter, worried about me. Followed by a call from a friend who had gotten a call from my daughter. I assured bother that I am FINE (hmmm…) it’s just that I’m changing the medication that has kept me stable for so long, but is no longer quite doing the job. So it is decreasing, but not quite far enough to start the new replacement meds. It’s called a cross-taper. Besides, not only do I have a reason for how I am FINE, I have a new email from VEB waiting in my inbox that will make me HILARIOUSLY FINE… if I can just get off the phone and read it!

    Wasn’t prepared to have tears rolling down my cheeks as I read, but they are. We’ll blame the meds. But really…. I get “it”, and wake up, folks, this is not about stoves. I can’t even make a decision about what to have for dinner… PBJ sounds good to me every night. Or what room to start to clean. With 3 cats and a dog the dust bunnies multiply quickly. I have 3 bottoms and 5 tops that can be put together any which way and not look too bizarre…whatever my hand hits first goes on because I cannot make decisions. And because I don’t care — it just isn’t important.

    PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, get some professional help. For yourself find someone who can help you start to care about important things, like what’s important to Paul. For Paul and yourself, so that RAGE PAUL can feel his zebra-ness is important to you, that you’re re-learning how to show him that, and how insecure you’re feeling on top of everything else. For your kitchen, which does not require perfection, but for Paul’s sake does require finishing. Have Paul or a trusted friend find a designer who can minimize the choices you need to make, so that Paul can go back to being Paul, and working the magnificent magic he works on your home. If you decide down the road you don’t like something you’ve chosen, you’ve got Craigslist and your blog to help you unload it, poke fun at it, and make a change. Because you’re right, in the big picture which stove you have is not important.

    Reply

  12. Ralna Cunningham
    August 30, 2017 @ 2:23 pm

    Stoves. Meh. The writing, the love, Elvis, the kittens, Paul. That is what matters. You know in your heart what you need, that is obvious. The easiest thing to do is say, “you decide Paul”. And free yourself for other things. But easy is not the usual way. The choice is yours to make. Loved this post. This coming from the wife of a builder and former perfectionist.

    Reply

    • Susan
      August 31, 2017 @ 11:04 am

      Victoria,
      It is not uncommon to have difficulty caring about things again after experiencing a loss. You don’t have apathy for everything- you’re still going out and doing things, you recognize the wonderful things in your life and you still feel happiness. Those are great. However, you’re not back to yourself. I’d like to encourage to you think about having a meeting or two with a counselor. Paul is wonderful and supportive, giving you everything he can. However, he’s not a professional. He’s helping you as best he can. Maybe talking with someone would show Paul that you’re helping yourself too. Give it some thought. A good therapist can at least give you some tools for how to talk to Paul when you feel yourself shutting down in the face of his desire to get things completed.

      Reply

  13. Aunt Kiki
    August 30, 2017 @ 2:36 pm

    Umm, uh, what? Seriously, love you. Love Paul. Sometimes read your blogs to my SO. (That you’re so completely insane it makes my rants seem normal.) But, what? What’s going on with your kitchen? Did you insult your sponsor?

    Reply

  14. Diane
    August 30, 2017 @ 2:43 pm

    Since you are stuck in I don’t careville, Paul assumes ALL decision making powers, and you agree to love Any and all choices he makes”. Problem solved.

    Reply

    • fixitchick
      September 1, 2017 @ 2:49 pm

      Nononono. Paul gets to make decisions, but must acquiesce to hearing all about how WRONG they were IN PERPETUITY. Husbands dont listen anyway. That is why they call it marital hearing.

      Reply

  15. Melanie
    August 30, 2017 @ 2:46 pm

    The royal blue one, of course. I mean seriously.

    Reply

  16. Carol
    August 30, 2017 @ 2:50 pm

    That last picture really got me! =(

    Reply

  17. MrsAmyLW
    August 30, 2017 @ 3:04 pm

    Victoria, I was completely unaware that I need a blue tiles range. Until today.

    Thanks a lot!

    – Your Grudging but Loyal Servant

    Reply

  18. Meghan
    August 30, 2017 @ 3:07 pm

    Rage Paul can get over himself and then write his own post about his faults and the ways you make his life better. You’re not the only one who got lucky in your marriage. He got the funnest blogger, the fanciest dresser, most creative remodeler (seriously, who else looks at a piano and thinks KITCHEN ISLAND or a pool table and thinks CHEAP COUNTER TOPS), the most loving cat mom, the most passionate animal activist, biggest dahlia grower, and best Edy Beale impersonator. Don’t sell yourself short lady. There is nothing wrong with your SELF and you absolutely deserve to be accepted just as you are. Tell that zebra to chill the eff out.

    The kitchen will get done when it’s time for it to get done.

    Reply

  19. Kathy Howard
    August 30, 2017 @ 3:18 pm

    This is the post of a deeply disturbed individual. I’m just kidding; I think you’re still grieving over Elvis and you aren’t ready to deal with much of anything else. Don’t be so hard on yourself! My sweet, wonderful husband died almost two years ago and I still have trouble dragging myself out of bed some days. People keep saying things will get better with time but it hasn’t happened yet. Everyone is different. So, Victoria, give yourself all the time you need to start feeling better and stop beating yourself up. But in the meantime, don’t run off Paul. After all, who would take out the trash if he weren’t around?

    Reply

  20. Meghan
    August 30, 2017 @ 3:19 pm

    Just reading some more of the comments now. Shocked by all the patriarchal bullshit. Why would Paul’s needs supersede Victoria’s??? I thought marriage vows were for better or worse, in sickness and in health.

    Reply

  21. MicheleFromBoston
    August 30, 2017 @ 3:22 pm

    I will take the Thad Hayes kitchen, please. Nothing worse than being stuck. Make crazy bold choices, I say. Stay with white appliances and start cooking again. My husband would have chucked me out by now! LOL. (No probably, really) Thank Paul for staying around and for his infinite patience. Get the foster kitties to pitch in on choosing the color swatches.

    Reply

  22. Dianne Averill
    August 30, 2017 @ 3:33 pm

    Please find someone (a professional, not of the interior design variety) to speak with about your muddled brain and sadness. You are grieving, which often provides an unexpected re-setting of expectations and life goals. You will never “get over it” but you will learn to live again and find enjoyment in life, and not necessarily with those things that gave you joy before. This re-setting is what gives us life experience, so that we can someday dispense advice to others. And life goes on.

    Reply

  23. Pam
    August 30, 2017 @ 3:36 pm

    Let Paul make the rest of the kitchen choices and GIT R DONE. It is not easy to find a spouse that indulges our foibles as gracefully and frequently as Paul has, so sometimes marriages are made of compromises. In all seriousness, I have seen far too many end for far less. Totally understand the kitty malaise. Lost both parents and 3 dogs in the last 5 years. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be excited about anything.

    Reply

  24. Laura
    August 30, 2017 @ 3:36 pm

    Would it be crazy to let Paul finish the kitchen all on his own?
    Probably, yes, I guess that would be insane.
    BUT perhaps the sight or thought of what he might do would help you find the will to kitchen again? (Stainless steel appliances! Linoleum! FORMICA COUNTER TOPS!)

    Reply

  25. Jeanne Christopherson
    August 30, 2017 @ 4:19 pm

    Honey, this is what depression feels like. You’ve taken a hard hit, and your psyche doesn’t know how to right itself. Talk to your doctor about how you’re feeling. If doc recommends meds, try them. If you’re anything like me and just need that boost to get you out of the pit life threw you into, chances are you’ll be off them within 6 months. Even if you don’t care about feeling better, go. When you do feel better, you’ll be glad you went. So will your dear Paul. Good luck, sweetie.

    Reply

  26. Sherry
    August 30, 2017 @ 4:22 pm

    I was wondering what HAPPENED to you?! I have not had a blog from you in a LONG time! So we are back to the kitchen, are we? Still keeping the piano, I take it? …good luck, Paul, in the outcome.

    Reply

  27. Crystal
    August 30, 2017 @ 4:25 pm

    Good Grief. This was the best kitchen, not-about-a-kitchen post ever. In.the.history.of.ever.

    Reply

  28. Angela D.
    August 30, 2017 @ 4:35 pm

    Victoria–this is my favorite post you have ever written!!!! I will be watching for the release of “Unfortunately For Paul”– I will look to pre-order your book. My husband and I have recently taken personality tests at this site:
    https://www.16personalities.com/free-personality-test

    So much of what you write on your blog resonates with me and my husband; we seem to be a similar match as you and yours. Recently, upon comparing our personalities, it has become obvious that we, too, are different species.
    If I make it to the River before you, I will have already procured a Giant Fancy Boat for kindred spirits and I will wait for you, please do the same for me!

    Reply

  29. Loran
    August 30, 2017 @ 4:38 pm

    I was doing just FINE until the end, with the picture of the present from Elvis. Now I can barely see to type. The first year after Gwen, our greyhound died, I couldn’t even say her name. Then facebook, in that ever-so-creepy way they have, sent me “On this day last year..” and I lost it for a full day.
    The second year was worse. How could it be that bad? I mean, it’s been a YEAR for gods sake. I went to a pet grief support group. They got it. I plodded along. The third year I could say her name without crying but you can see, now 5 years later, someone else’s grief bring it all back up.
    And that’s how grief works. It just Is. I can’t walk around it, I don’t pretend it isn’t there. It affects the decisions I make about my current slew of animals (screw cancer and the credit card, FIX THEM). I rescue all the animals I can and believe me, if my cousin tells me he can get his boat and us to Houston to help I’m out the door before you can finish the sentence that starts with “What….”
    I kept the cover of her bed. And her ashes are on a shelf in the living room. I make no apologies. And it took me a year to finish my kitchen once the major work was done because I couldn’t figure out where to put the damn knobs.
    Hugs.

    Reply

  30. Pamela Reid
    August 30, 2017 @ 6:49 pm

    Okay sweet girl… Here is the answer to your dilemma ( and yes, I know I am pointing out some other options, but they are in the order of preference)!
    A: Black. Black is timeless. It will never go out of syle, because it is never totally in style ( as in toooo trendy). It is period appropriate, in the sense that a lot of old Victorians would have a cast iron wood burning cooker, and with your infinite ability to do research on a subject you already know what colour they would have been. Another point for black is that it will just compliment your beautiful island and the window frame I would die for (okay, maybe I would make the hubby die for)! So that is the numero uno that I would choose, if given the opportunity. Or……
    B: Do whadevah! Be funky. Be adventurous! Have a little fun! Spin the colour roulette wheel. If your little you says yes, then do it! Or….
    C: Let Paul decide. Just kidding! Just kidding! Just kidding! Or…
    D: It sounds like you are drawn to the blue. Then go for it! My only thought is what if you don’t like the blue down the road. Are you going to feel guilty for choosing it, since it isn’t a cheap replacement item?
    I don’t know if I have helped or hindered your decision, or if you are turning up the volume with one finger, but this comes with the best of intentions for you.
    WHATEVER YOU CHOOSE WILL BE AMAZING!!!!!
    Thank you for letting us strangers put in our two cents. I’m sure it will turn out to be wonderful. You have absolutely impeccable taste, and are respectful to the process of making your home , YOUR HOME!!

    Reply

    • Pamela Reid
      August 30, 2017 @ 7:24 pm

      Oh, oh, oh! I just thought of another reason for black that I didn’t mention, but was in the old noggin, but got lost cuz I was writing. Black goes with every other colour! If you want a purple kitchen down the road -perfect! Red? Ringadingy! Blue? Bluebacious (yes, a new word)! You can accent with any other colour and still be pleased with your black decision.

      Reply

  31. Rachael
    August 30, 2017 @ 6:56 pm

    The title of the story of our (terribly successful 27-years-so-far) marriage would be – “You mean now?”

    Reply

  32. Jennifer
    August 30, 2017 @ 7:12 pm

    I have felt the same way at times, and understand your pain. I’m sorry for your loss.

    We’ve recently moved, and I’m going through the motions of opening boxes, taking things out one-at-a-time, wondering why I even packed up (much less kept) said item, and finding a place for each thing. Did I mention that we’ve seriously down-sized from our previous abode? Our new home looks like a war zone. I promised myself that I would tackle a box every day, a project every week, cleaning all the while. But….we’ve been moved a full month already, and I Just…Don’t….Care. I’m almost to the point of inviting a bunch of people to come over and take whatever they want, then hire a cleaning crew to make the place look livable again. But money issues prevent me from hiring the cleaning crew, so I’d be back at square one, minus all my stuff.

    Sigh.

    Reply

  33. Jeane Gallo
    August 30, 2017 @ 7:45 pm

    I once felt paralyzed as well. I was in a bad relationship and was trying to take care of everyone. To the point where I couldn`t make a simple decision. I began seeing a therapist. After the first session, I felt the weight of the world lifted from my shoulders.

    Reply

  34. Sandi
    August 30, 2017 @ 7:52 pm

    OMG, it’s like you just described my last two years. Maybe longer. I’m starting to see some light at the end of the tunnel. I FINALLY caved and went to see a therapist. I’m taking some anti-depressants also, but that is merely to keep myself from wanting to die. I think I’m just about over that. SEE A THERAPIST. Sooner than later. For Paul’s sake, if nothing else. I’m taking a big step tomorrow, but I won’t bore you with details.
    Try some THC.

    Reply

  35. Ann Marie
    August 30, 2017 @ 8:10 pm

    I love your blog, and love reading about your adventures in redoing your home.

    Look, my Malamute Samson died in May: unexpectedly.. Bloat.. Surgery was performed, but he arrested.. I know how you feel about Elvis..my Sammy was my boy.. the sweetest bundle of fur you can imagine. I know you’re suffering.. It takes time… I see a big fuzzy dog and I cry. I’ve had 3 other dogs and 5 cats which have passed, and I still miss every single one of them.. We don’t have enough time with them..

    Men ARE a different species.. I’ve learned that after being married for 30 yrs… And the more I speak with other women about their husbands, the more I realize they have so much in common with another, it’s almost funny. The advantage you have is that you realized it sooner than I did: it’ll save you a lot of aggravation..

    As for your stove: I’ve always liked the blue… In a blue and white color scheme, any color you have will go… It’s that versatile. If you choose stained cabinetry, it’ll still go.. It’s almost a neutral

    And, my two cents worth: when you constantly concentrate all your effort and time on one thing (in this case your house) you get burned out.. It’s normal!! I’ve been there. Just take a step back, and enjoy other aspects of your life.. You’ll get it back… Believe me..
    Take care…

    Reply

  36. Toni
    August 30, 2017 @ 8:18 pm

    Sticking at it, appreciating what you have in a mate, compromise, never entertaining the “D” word (divorce)…..murder? Maybe! That’s the recipe for a long happy life together! Through the years you do begin to learn that if we are open, we can actually LEARN something about ourselves from our spouses!
    Hang in there…..I think you have just been grieving your Elvis….the clouds will part, inspiration will return and you will end up with the most amazing kitchen ever!

    Reply

  37. Sheila McNeil
    August 30, 2017 @ 9:55 pm

    I marvel at how open, honest, and darn funny you are! Reading your post reminded me of my favorite Doreen Virtue Angel-a-Day calendar saying:
    Know that you are spiritually perfect, even when you don’t feel humanly perfect.

    You are grieving, and that takes time. Be kind and loving to yourself as you work through it, and as you heal, you’ll be able to make decisions once again.

    Sending Light and Love!

    Reply

  38. zebra
    August 30, 2017 @ 10:51 pm

    zebra. if you actually want a real, stuffed zebra, i know someone who has one, who, perhaps could be persuaded to sell it to you. seriously. it might be just what the kitchen needs. might look nice with the country living black stove, which is my favorite. harvey reminds us that everything material can disappear in a flash, so don’t get too attached to anything you own.

    Reply

  39. M.C.Krening
    August 30, 2017 @ 11:00 pm

    Beautiful Blue! It symbolizes trust, loyalty, wisdom, confidence, intelligence, faith, truth, and heaven. Blue is considered beneficial to the mind and body. Trust yourself! Hugs!!

    Reply

  40. Linda
    August 31, 2017 @ 12:48 am

    Ya no kidding. I don’t think Alicia meant anything by her comment, just curious.

    Reply

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