Christmas decorating war zone.
Christmas mess reached critical mass sometime around Sunday afternoon.
The kind of decorating war zone where you cannot even walk around because every square inch of floor is covered with random crap.
At some point, the ironing board, the sewing machine, the vacuum, a stepstool, the sled, a massive box of garland, and 20 Mason jars were strewn about the dining room.
And that does not even count the boxes of actual Christmas decorations.
Instead of labeling the boxes Christmas 1, Christmas 2… I should name them mess, irritation, waste of time, why did I buy this, and where the hell are the wire cutters.
Especially since I have ALL new ideas. Which will require ALL new supplies. So I will not even need to open those boxes. I could just throw them in the trash.
Not that I will, because that would require detaching from some of this junk.
It is like a train derailment of ideas shouting at me, all the time:
- You should make a DIY giant snowflake template… trace it multiple times… cut out a ridiculous number… cover them with glitter…figure out how to upload a template in case anyone else on the Internet is compelled to do this sort of time-wasting activity.
- Run to the craft store like a maniac. Buy a bunch of total crap you don’t even need.
- Scrub out the Mason jars. What will you do with them? WHO KNOWS?
- Make a Candy Cane centerpiece! You can fill it with cloved oranges! Ugh, no. That looks stupid. Abandon that. NEXT!
- YOU SHOULD DO A VIDEO OF YOUR HOW TO MAKE A BOW TUTORIAL. YOU SHOULD START RIGHT NOW.
It is probably unnecessary for me to verbalize this, but – I am a wholly impulsive person. Once I think of something, I must do it. No matter that I will not finish. No matter that I do not even WANT to start.
Also, another rule is that no matter how tired I am, or how obvious it has become that this is all a high dive into a shallow pit of insanity, I cannot quit. Or scale back. Or compromise. Or just recycle last year’s Christmas posts…
Front porch decorated for Christmas. How to make a bow.
Anyway… Surprise plot twist!
This was supposed to be a post about you.
I hope you have a wonderful and relaxing holiday. (If such a thing exists.)
If you’re traveling, be safe. If you’re hosting, I hope the one person who most sets your teeth on edge can’t make it.
For me this year, the thing I am most thankful for is you.
(And Elvis, but she is always at the top of any list and does not diminish your standing.)
YOU ALL are the very best thing ever.
HAPPY THANKSGIVING!
see all my holiday decorations!
Jody
November 26, 2013 @ 10:55 pm
All too funny and heartwarming! A blessed Thanksgiving to everyone who has the energy to write, make others laugh, laugh themselves, decorate and cook! And blessings to the already worn out like me also! You all deserve the best! xoxoxo jody
P.j.
November 26, 2013 @ 11:18 pm
Sorry for not posting something more imaginative & witty, but I blocked out everything else when I followed your arrow to your sewing machine on the floor–which looks like a Bernina. I love mine, even though I’ve rarely had time or motivation to sew the past decade except for heming a few things for short people. I don’t recall ever having to shorten anything since I was 12.
Irene
November 26, 2013 @ 11:34 pm
You know, the next time you want to cut out a bunch of tricky shapes like snowflakes, and have a lot of them, find a place that does laser cutting. We have a laser cutter in my school and it could cut out a few hundred of those snowflakes in a few minutes. Just a suggestion – Victorian decorating meets 21st century technology…
melanie kite
November 26, 2013 @ 11:58 pm
Well, what a relief! I love your blog, and the replies helped me feel better about my inability to do any cleaning in an organized fashion, because I am not only a squirrel when I am creative, but when I try to clean. I thought I was the only one. And, my dear hubby wants me to decorate early this year, but I will have to send him into the attic to get the dozen Christmas boxes because the hornets moved in this summer, and heaven forbid if any of them are still alive! Besides, I have to keep the two cats from exploring the attic, since they remember the REAL squirrel that lived in there last year.
Love, love, love the disco balls.
Claudia Stayton
November 27, 2013 @ 5:22 am
Will it surprise you to know that your admirers ALSO include someone like me, who doesn’t even put up a tree anymore? My heart still loves you even though my body doesn’t follow through.
Thank you dear girl – and all you dear girls – I enjoy the blog AND I love the comments.
Blessings, Claudia in Texas
Cheryl
November 27, 2013 @ 7:23 am
Amongst many other blessings, I am thankful to have found your blog! Please let me know when you will be performing at the Los Angeles comedy club! Seriously, you are a joy to read, so creative. Enjoy your holidays. Our decorating will begin this weekend( honey can you bring down all the boxes from the attic? Oops, I forgot you have a bad back, and I don’t climb ladders! )Oh what to do? Oh wait, I have two sons over 6 feet tall, all is good!
Zandra@LittleYellowCouch.com
November 27, 2013 @ 8:34 am
Victoria,
What can I say? You get us. You speak for us. You know our pain and the plight of our partners. There should be some kind of award for this. And it should have a disco ball somehow glued to the trophy.
Alexis
November 27, 2013 @ 9:53 am
Gotta say, being Jewish, I was never caught up in Holiday House Bedazzling. Oh sure, I admired it from afar, but was never compelled to decorate as the only creatures I ever entertained in my home were my two cats, the Hubs and that guy from the “gas company” who said he could upgrade our heater and save us tons ‘o cash (Fa la la la Fail, by the way.) Then we had our son and suddenly, I had the overwhelming desire to Christma-fy everything. Everything. Even the cats started to look like small, furry (if not Grinchy) reindeer. The problem? I’m not crafty. Not one bit. I’ve been studying (haunting) your posts, scouring them for creative Holiday ideas. Quite frankly, we share an inability to focus on one thing at a time. So an early festive “Thank you” for inspiring me and making me laugh – at least until I’m distracted by something shiny.
MissFifi
November 27, 2013 @ 10:44 am
This was a great post and I now hold you responsible for making me want to string disco balls on my porch. Damn you woman!!!
Sneza
November 27, 2013 @ 12:33 pm
C’mon, you can finish the candy-cane centerpiece! All you have to do is place more canes around the bowl rim! Just lift and place, lift and place… you can totally do it! Elvis could probably do it!
Bronne
November 27, 2013 @ 12:34 pm
I love how you put into words and perspective what others are living…Christmas mayhem. fa la la
Amy
November 27, 2013 @ 2:21 pm
Well high five for trying! And I have a funny feeling that you’ll come away with something amazing. I, meanwhile, will undoubtedly glue myself to something. Cheers! And happy Thanksgiving 🙂
~Amy
http://www.lifeonhillst.com
Sandra
November 27, 2013 @ 3:09 pm
I’ve given up on Christmas decorating since continuously fighting cancer for 15 years. Now my husband puts a little red light in our outdoor fountain (we live in a no-snow zone). He makes a big deal of it, waits for the sun to go down, then we have the grand unveiling of our Christmas light. It makes me smile every time.
Shawna
November 28, 2013 @ 9:59 pm
My husband gets all twitchy and unpleasant about the mounds of paper that build up on our counter. I feel like pointing him to this entry and comments so he’ll realize how lucky he is that I don’t “do” decorating for the holidays. I mean, we put up lights and get a tree, but that’s it.
kristne
November 29, 2013 @ 4:00 pm
can I please come to your house and dig thru your boxes? My own half done Christmas stuff is getting stale. Maybe I can finish some of yours and you….. can just start some more. 🙂
oh and drats Thanksgiving
we feasted elsewhere, so no leftover turkey for me.
Jessica
December 1, 2013 @ 4:55 pm
We only have two boxes of Christmas crap and I feel overwhelmed by it all, too.
I like the candy cane bowl idea. Put glittery ornaments in the bowl because you can never have too much glitter.
Patience
December 1, 2013 @ 6:12 pm
I will give you a tip: DON’T attempt to bleach pine cones. It’s horribly tedious and you will slice open your hands and your house will smell like damp pine cones and bleach.
I am totally copying your disco ball/chandelier/led mini lights thing. Just waiting for my all my packages from amazon to arrive.
Barbara Z.
December 2, 2013 @ 1:04 am
LOVE your wit and your writing style! Shared your link on FB and friends concur!
Jennie S.
December 2, 2013 @ 5:38 pm
OMG! I cannot believe I found you today and in such a roundabout way. I was on Houzz, as usual, searching for inspiration in our ongoing battle – er, I mean – home remodeling project and someone had posted a link to your story about the Kingdom Mirror. Well, seeing as how I’m back at work and really needed a good laugh, I clicked the link and – lo and behold – I begin reading about ME and MY HUBBY except, it’s odd because the names aren’t the same and the location is different, but I SWEAR it’s us! And, of course, I simply HAD to call him and read to him about US…except not us. He immediately agreed that yes, that crazy woman who writes that blog sounds just like me, and her brilliant, yet poor and long suffering, husband sounds just like him. You have no idea how great it is to find out that there are others out there just like me – who MUST have what we MUST have – regardless of how unsuitable, oversized, or useless it may be. I can’t wait to read more of your adventures while continuing on my path to the perfect restored and remodeled 1900’s farm house. It will be mine, oh yes, it WILL be mine!