Auctions– because you can never have too many giant, antique, fancy pieces of junk.
After The Kingdom Mirror went viral, Paul said things like – are you going to leave me for some guy who loves antiques that you meet on the internet?
I said – of course not. Unless he loves cats. Then, maybe.
This was because I’d gotten some emails in the vein of: you are an amazing, glorious, goddess of perfection and giant fancy things, whom I worship and would acquire mirrors for all day long.
And I sort of thought– gosh. Wow. I DO love Paul… but maybe I would love someone else even more? Someone who WANTS to do mirror-retrieval? I mean, for all I know Jon Hamm really likes antiques. And cats.
So I started to wonder – have I inadvertently limited my life’s work by tethering myself to Paul? By choosing someone who is capable of mirror-retrieval, but not enthusiastic for it?
Have I made a terrible mistake?
And now I can say – it looks that way. Because it seems that Paul has forgotten how I am a special mirror goddess, entrusted to him.
He has forgotten that I am to be cared for with utmost devotion.
He has forgotten that my every whim should be met with parades and cheering.
He has forgotten that I might leave him for Jon Hamm.
I know he has forgotten this, because when we saw an Elvis-cat-sized mini-kingdom at the auction preview, he did NOT say – oh my God, we MUST get that.
Instead, he walked right by it without acknowledging the stupendousness of our good fortune.
I had to whisper-shout at him to get his attention. I gestured rabidly with my head and performed the well-known mime/celebratory dance: look-what-I-found-oh-treasure-of-mine, while The Mirror Troll marched around playing the trombone and flinging confetti.
Paul backed up and looked at it for a minute. He said – you want this?
I looked at him cross eyed. Because, what?
Paul said – what do you want to pay for this?
But this is a trick question. What Paul means is: no matter what figure you name, I will look aghast and crush your dreams.
So I said – $1,000… because two can play that game.
Plus, it took me no time at all to learn that Paul wants to pay $5 for everything, so I need to start high for him to feel like he has reined me in.
Paul gave me the look that says – I think you are joking. But also, I am afraid you may not be joking.
He said – this is a piece of junk… look at here, and here, and here… It is missing this, and this, and this.
I said – I see that. And I do not care. And I suspect you know this and are just taunting me. Besides, if I really wanted to I could make a latex mold to repair the missing fancy bits.
Paul said – sure. That would work. Will you complete that project in my lifetime?
I said – no. However. AS YOU CAN SEE. This is a mini Kingdom Mirror. FOR ELVIS. Therefore, we cannot be hampered in our acquisition.
Paul said – $20. Otherwise, no.
I said – oh, I am sorry. The suggestion department is closed. Be ready to get up early tomorrow.
The next morning as we were driving to the auction, Paul said to me – if you are the first bidder, you will need to find another ride home because I will disown you.
This is because Paul thinks I am unpredictable and jumpy and not fully cognizant of what is going on and likely to bid haphazardly without waiting for the auctioneer to lower the price.
I just nodded and smiled at him to allow him the illusion of control he so clearly needs to cling to. But in my head I calculated how long it would take me to walk home.
I paid $65 and I am happy to say that I was not the first bidder, so I got to ride home in the car.
However, I made the mistake of asking Paul what my final price was… I knew I was somewhere between $50 and $75, but I was unsure of the exact amount. And like an idiot, instead of JUST KEEPING IT TO MYSELF, I said how it is very hard to tell what is happening and it just seems like the auctioneer is randomly pointing and saying nonsense and people are milling around.
Which led to an inquest and cross-examination on the drive home where Paul tried to trip me up by saying things like – so you had no idea what you were bidding, and yet you kept putting your hand up?
And I had to nimbly dance around his accusations and mischaracterizations by using my time on the witness stand to obfuscate and redirect attention to the greater good I have achieved: perfecting Elvis’s inner sanctum for a relatively low price.
When we got home, Paul said– where are we putting this? I looked around and then gestured over in the living room. I said– let’s just put it in that corner for now.
Paul said– because that’s what hoarders do… fill up all the corners.
I said– Please be patient. I am going as fast as I can… but there are so many corners.
see my other mirrors: pier mirrors & foyer, Kingdom mirror, just a mirror frame.
see all my favorite finds
August 6, 2014 @ 9:29 pm
65 dollars!!!???? I salute you. We are unworthy to walk in your footsteps. What a deal!!!
August 6, 2014 @ 9:29 pm
Cube van, Victoria, cube van! If the auction/estate sale is far away, you can take Elvis, get there the day before, sleep in the box, and arrive fresh and ready to bid/deal/whatever.
We (and when I say, “we,” I mean Dave) just won three pallets of bi-fold doors for twenty dollars. Final count: 129 raised-panel doors, 87 flat doors, and 22 louvered doors, for a final total of 238 doors. Including bidder’s premium and sales tax, we paid about eleven cents per door. I think people don’t bid because they have no way to retrieve their winnings.
Dave also does what he calls, “low-balling” — he’ll bid five dollars on about a hundred lots before even previewing them. He’ll be outbid on most of these lots but we usually end up with stuff that is neither big, nor fancy, and not even usable. But, “they were good deals!”
August 6, 2014 @ 11:39 pm
…and then I saw this…
https://www.facebook.com/GrowingBolder/photos/pb.54598478580.-2207520000.1407382034./10152245990263581/?type=3&src=https%3A%2F%2Ffbcdn-sphotos-f-a.akamaihd.net%2Fhphotos-ak-xpa1%2Ft1.0-9%2F10500371_10152245990263581_9027032361959337441_n.jpg&size=637%2C440&fbid=10152245990263581
August 6, 2014 @ 10:26 pm
I just THOUGHT I was living vicariously through you at the auction by reading your narrative but THEN I got to see a video too! That was so much fun!!!
August 7, 2014 @ 7:22 am
Honestly, I love (adore) mirrors. I love (am lusting after) your newest mirror. But, I cannot stop looking at the marble column/pedestal sitting to the left of your “Fancy Piece of Junk”. And, I can only see a portion of it! I am now anxious (very) that it existed & I was oblivious to that… which allowed someone else to see it, possess it. How it burns that that someone is somewhere glowing with pride and beholding its loveliness. And I am sad. {Sigh}
August 7, 2014 @ 7:59 am
You are hilarious! It sounds like your husband and my husband are cut from the same cloth! I was telling him I was going to the auction and he said, “great! just what we need more junk!” He also calls me a hoarder too. Little does he know that I have many pieces stored away in my mother’s garage. I think your piece is lovely. Thanks for giving me a giggle this morning as I read your post:)
August 7, 2014 @ 11:13 am
You rule. Period.
More posts……PLEASE!!
Every day I check your blog for a post and when there isn’t one, I sigh.
More posts……PLEASE!!
And I think you should keep Paul.
More posts……PLEASE!!
Elvis is spoiled and she knows it. As it should be.
More posts……PLEASE!!
🙂
More posts……PLEASE!!
August 7, 2014 @ 1:14 pm
You. Keep. Making. Me. Laugh!
Thanks!!
August 7, 2014 @ 1:23 pm
Oh my…I so enjoy reading our site. I loved this vid…you are so excited…”what did I pay”…and calmly your hubby replies…too much and it’s trash, but that doesn’t discourage you! Thanks for keeping us entertained.
August 7, 2014 @ 6:31 pm
you mean it’s not just me that finds the largest item at the auction and has to try to drag it home? check out my website (www.heartofassemblage.com) to see all the huge pieces I’ve rescued and restored or renovated. The worst one was a 12′ x 16′ Persian Kashan rug that I got for a steal ($200) without thinking how I’d get it home…had to hire 3 guys to roll it up and put it in their truck then drive to my home (40 miles away), then move all my furniture to put it down, have it cleaned…but still, it’s one of my favorite things. I think, however, it might be time to move to a larger house…
August 7, 2014 @ 10:06 pm
Love your blog!!!!
August 8, 2014 @ 2:23 pm
“He said – this is a piece of junk… look at here, and here, and here… It is missing this, and this, and this.
I said – I see that. And I do not care. And I suspect you know this and are just taunting me. Besides, if I really wanted to I could make a latex mold to repair the missing fancy bits.
Paul said – sure. That would work. Will you complete that project in my lifetime?”
This so sounds like my boyfriend/life partner! When I say all it needs is upholstery/paint/refinishing/repair/anything, I get the same kind of inquisition. One of the best times was when I had the opportunity to buy one very fancy vanity stool for $5. or two very fancy vanity stools for $7. Of course, I got grilled as to what I would do with fancy stool #2, and when. I had to PROMISE it would be my next project. I still haven’t done them…we have moved, and I have purchased more fancy things, and I have done projects, and have many more projects left to do. But, who in their right mind could pass up two VERY fancy vanity stools for $7.00???? And, did I mention they are ANTIQUE????? Not to mention the ornate frames I have acquired that need some latex mold repair. Even if they don’t get the fancy bits replaced, they are still awesome!
August 8, 2014 @ 3:53 pm
You have topped yourself with each subsequent posting and I know this is an impossibility in Blogger land(most start out amusing and inflated with followers only to start losing Air and lay deflated and defeated soon after). This must not happen to you-I pledge to follow your blog if you only post what you and Paul and Miss Elvis had for Breakfast. A tiny video would be nice-if of course you had the time- but absolutely no pressure. And thanks for the chuckles, guffaws and downright Hysterical laughter.
August 8, 2014 @ 9:31 pm
Elvis looks immensely pleased and really, that is all that matters.
Not for nothing, but that dresser to the right of the mirror in your picture is fantastic!!!
August 9, 2014 @ 1:35 pm
I can see that Elvis is wondering how in the world she lived this long without that kingdom mirror in her life. That is hilarious. So many corners…..so little time…….lol
August 14, 2014 @ 7:44 pm
I agree with Lori…100%!
August 12, 2014 @ 8:09 am
A Popsugar article reminded me of your kingdom of mirrors – a few similar to yours. Only they were in the real apartment of Carrie Bradshaw. It is for sale so perhaps the mirrors will go up for auction and now that you have real world auction experience…….
Take a look:
‘What Carrie Bradshaw’s Apartment Really Looked Like’: http://www.casasugar.com/Carrie-Bradshaw-Sex-City-Apartment-Sale-22125760#opening-slide
September 23, 2014 @ 9:32 am
I am supposed to be leaving for my first ever auction. I wanted some “what to expect” advice. And so I stumbled upon your blog. And now, I am late. Because I cannot stop reading. And giggling. You are fabulous. That is all.
January 14, 2015 @ 1:00 pm
You are my new favorite person on the internet; your posts are freaking hilarious. Thanks for the laughs and for sharing your awesome finds.