Giant Fancy Things… cheaper than therapy.
I had told Paul that the weekend after New Year’s would be dedicated to GETTING ORGANIZED… I do this periodically: announce that THIS will be the weekend I get my life under control.
As with all my life-control projects, I was gangbusters at first.
I began a frenzy of organizational malice and misdirection— creating a disaster of the one thing that was arguably fine in this house, while also treating Elvis to one of her favorite activities: exploring places previously not available to her.
My plan was to condense and get rid of two bookcases… but after the initial arranging of books into piles, it slowly ground to a crawl… impaired by my need to re-read Ernie and look through photo albums, and also just the general life-process of one decision begetting the next decision which is always intolerably tedious and confusing to me.
Eventually becoming a gridlock of no decisions at all… where I sit on the floor comatose, thinking about how if I get rid of The Faerie Queen it will be tantamount to saying:
I AM NOT THE PERSON I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE.
MY PARENTS WILL NEVER APPROVE OF ME.
I SHOULD HAVE JUST JOINED THAT BIKER GANG.
Sometime in hour two, Paul came into the bookcase-storage-inn-of-chaos… He was silent while acclimating himself to having yet another unusable room in the house.
I felt judged by his silence, so I said defensively – I’m getting rid of ALL of these bookcases! TODAY!
Paul nodded. Then he said– is that code? Do you actually mean the opposite? That you will continue to get more bookcases until the entire house is full and we must sleep in the garage?
And apparently, that IS what I meant.
For ONE FULL YEAR, I have been seeing this ad on Craigslist… No photos, out of my budget, probably a piece of junk.
Every few months the ad would reappear and Self would whisper – you should definitely email them… remember that one time?
And? I do. I totally remember that one time when there were no pictures and it turned out to be a Kingdom Mirror.
But The Kingdom Mirror wasn’t $2,000… so for twelve months, I ignored Self’s instructions to email, hurry, go, buy, faster, now, run.
HOWEVER. It looks like this is the year I surrender responsibility for what comes and goes in this house and just delegate all decision-making to Self.
She has decided to commit to the full hoard.
The day I emailed the Craigslist poster, she was home.
I went right over.
Self said– YUP. FOR SURE. LET’S PACK IT UP.
But rather than just packing it up, I spent nearly an hour talking to the woman selling it… we really hit it off, the way you sometimes do with total strangers. But eventually we had to get down to business, and it was time to do my shtick where I throw Paul under the bus.
Vilifying Paul is my default negotiation strategy: I explain to the seller that if it were up to me, I would pay whatever they wanted!
But UNFORTUNATELY, I am married to a tyrannical despot who forces me to endure an ascetic life of monastic puritanism: a flinty and grim existence of hair shirts, boiled potatoes, and no unnecessary expense.
I pointed at the bookcase’s flaws. I gave the appearance of deciding that my husband would never agree. Finally saying that as much as I LOVED the bookcase, ultimately I could not meet her price… Sad face!
I left without making an offer.
I went home and said to Paul – good news!! Then I showed him photos of the key to my inner peace.
Paul said— what is your inner peace costing us?
I said – I do not know yet… I am hoping $500.
Paul thought about it and said— that’s cheaper than therapy. You should get it.
Then it was time for waiting.
Waiting is only a part of my negotiation strategy when something is expensive… it’s a risk, because someone else could show up and get your precious.
But the waiting gives the seller time to reflect on how you are the ONLY person who was remotely interested… And certainly the only person who actually showed up… And maybe they’d better take your offer before you disappear into the ether.
Also, the waiting allows me to get rid of stuff.
And the best way for me to detach from STUFF THAT IS MINE… is to have clearly defined STUFF I WOULD RATHER HAVE.
Finding a vastly fancier THING I WOULD PREFER TO HOARD, completely severs my attachment to THINGS ALREADY HOARDED.
Normally I try to wait two weeks, but I emailed the bookcase lady almost immediatly because I am not in charge anymore, and that is what Self directed me to do.
I told the bookcase lady that I couldn’t stop thinking about her bookcase… and how much I loved it… and that I had talked to my husband… and cruel man that he is, said $2,000 was too much… but we could do $500… which she agreed to.
I was like— sit tight. I WILL BE RIGHT OVER.
For some reason, anytime I am ready to proceed at warp speed, Paul goes into slow motion… you would be astounded at the slowness with which one person can move.
Someone should study him in a lab to better understand how wifely-urgency negatively impacts husband-speed.
He cannot find his keys. Or his phone. Or his jacket. Or his hat. He needs to brush his teeth. Then he goes into the kitchen and begins emptying the dishrack… leaving me in a position of either duct-taping my own mouth shut, or screaming— WHY ARE YOU EMPTYING THE DISHRACK?
WHY? WHY? WHY?
Reminding me that Paul and I are both eachother’s very definition of unreasonable.
FINALLY Paul was ready to leave… we drove over while I foamed at the mouth and considered jumping out of the car to express my excitement.
But when we got there, I felt an obligation to rein in the wild banshee of glee in order to observe my initial bond with this woman… I felt like I needed to chat her up a little bit and just generally let her know that her grandfather’s bookcase was going to a wonderful home.
However.
It did not occur to me to communicate to Paul that he was going to have to exhibit some social niceties. So the instant we walked into the room, he started taking it apart.
To him, we are here to get the bookcase – thus he will begin getting the bookcase… To him, it would make no sense to stand around NOT getting the bookcase, so he got right down on the floor and started removing the drawers.
After a moment, the bookcase lady said to me quietly – your husband is very no-nonsense.
Paul looked up from the floor and said – yes. Because my wife is ALL-NONSENSE. There is literally no physical space in my world for any more nonsense.
He gestured around and said– please notice that the year has barely begun, and already I am in someone else’s home, lying on their floor, taking apart furniture that we do not need so that I can take it to our home, which is already a place full of other furniture we do not need.
Self walked over and clapped Paul on the back and shouted— WELCOME TO 2016!
index of all my Craigslist finds.
January 20, 2016 @ 10:55 am
I had the same thoughts…………..cull the clothes, cull the stuff, cull the books…………..well I must admit that I was able to create one box to give away, but I had to promise my mom, sister and aunt that I would give them the opportunity to take some. Not surprisingly, this only made room for the books I got for Christmas AND the books I bought with the wonderful Amazon gift card my mom gave me! But, I still!elt good………………! I am searching for a cabinet to house the “cabinet of curiosities”….. stuff I gave to my husband for the holidays (a articulated bat skeleton, a antique microscope, etc…………would have loved to find a cabinet like you have! thanks for the inspiration!
January 20, 2016 @ 12:46 pm
The bookcase is STUNNING! I must now re-think my vows to cultivate a simpler life, which also involves eschewing material goods. Clearly there is no fun to be found there.
January 20, 2016 @ 1:09 pm
OMG that is my husband to a T! He slows down as soon as I am ready to get going!!!! He’d so go put dishes away as I was putting on my coat to head out !!!
January 20, 2016 @ 5:31 pm
“After a moment, the bookcase lady said to me quietly – your husband is very no-nonsense.
Paul looked up from the floor and said – yes. Because my wife is ALL-NONSENSE. ”
I LAUGHED SO HARD I CRIED. This is my husband and me.
Then I saw that the bookcase in question has GLASS to protect the books. And I cried with envy.
So basically this post has reduced me to tears. Repeatedly.
Any chance you will sell the bookcase? My dad is a book collector and is up to 10,000 books. I live in 600 square feet in Manhattan but the genes are strong. I want book collectors’ glass-shielded bookcases so badly it HURTS.
January 20, 2016 @ 7:04 pm
Hopefully the former owner doesn’t read this!
I absolutely love it though.
My local Craiglist doesn’t ever have good stuff like that!
January 20, 2016 @ 9:21 pm
Nice going! It’s wonderful.
January 20, 2016 @ 9:31 pm
I happen to be as obsessed with scarves as you are with giant fancy things.
WHERE is that beauty from? Won’t you please tell???
January 21, 2016 @ 11:05 am
Ah, I love it too! (As I do anything weirdly oversized.) It’s old, old, old… I got it at the Neiman Marcus outlet back before the internet made real-life shopping unnecessary.
You probably know someone who knits… tell them you need a scarf as tall as you are. xoxo
January 20, 2016 @ 11:11 pm
Hahahaha- his comeback was PRICELESS!! Of course, yours was pretty snappy too
;-D
January 21, 2016 @ 2:44 pm
Hey!! Please give me first dibs if you ever sell a mirror. I have been on a search for my own kingdom mirror with no such luck so far ???
January 22, 2016 @ 12:15 am
Oh Woe is me….you inspired me to tackle -once more into the breach…yada yada… the disorganization that plagues my “Golden Years” .
My house that once hid away (in the unused bedrooms) multiple bags of mystery and boxes and boxes of books and unshredded and unburned “records” of a dazed and confused existence now display said chaos throughout the “Public Rooms”.
Thank the Saints we are too old to actually know any public that would witness my lunacy but I have now joined the” Club of Uninhabitable Houses” which is a definite step up from uninhabitable rooms. So there ‘s something to be said for that ..right?
January 22, 2016 @ 12:09 pm
What a steal! And a beautiful bookcase to boot! You truly are a negotiator at heart! Gotta love how Paul handled everything as well. Y’all clearly have a wonderful relationship, and you both deal with each other’s quirkiness beautifully. That bookcase was indeed cheaper than therapy, and I’m sure there will be more gorgeous pieces of furniture for you to love and buy! Can’t wait to see the finished restoration. Everything looks so beautiful so far!
Julie~FurnishMyWay
January 22, 2016 @ 1:11 pm
It would be a great pantry too. Just sayin…
January 22, 2016 @ 8:07 pm
http://images.craigslist.org/00W0W_gvYIWb8FxhL_600x450.jpg
January 22, 2016 @ 8:08 pm
http://images.craigslist.org/00D0D_io54OFRcdyG_600x450.jpg
January 22, 2016 @ 8:37 pm
One of your best stories since I have been following your exploits. You got a super deal on the bookcase and it was obviously overpriced to begin with or it would never have lasted a year on Craig’s List. You actually showed a lot of patience and control to wait a whole year to go see it.
I think you are making progress and you have an angel for a husband but I am sure you already know that.
Happy hunting!
Brian
January 23, 2016 @ 10:16 pm
That was beautiful. As ever. I love you and I love your blog. Always look forward to seeing more!!
January 24, 2016 @ 4:51 pm
http://www.messynessychic.com/2013/07/25/the-lost-victorian-mansions-of-downtown-la/bradburymansion/
January 26, 2016 @ 4:14 pm
You are a girl after my own heart! Although, my husband is much more resistant to my insanity than yours 😉 Does he have seminars? My husband would need to attend!
I recently could not resist the charm of an old, old newel post. It was after I bought it that I thought “What the heck am I going to do with this?’ Suggestions are welcome.
Sunday’s around here are what my hubby refers to as “haul **** home Sundays”. I tend to leave for a few hours, only to return with some ridiculous item ha!
January 28, 2016 @ 2:39 pm
Totally random but I was perusing craigslist for an armoire and your blog came to mind only I couldn’t remember the name of it because I haven’t read it in a while. So I googled “crazy mirror lady blog philadelphia” and you were the very first hit. I thought you might find that amusing 🙂
January 31, 2016 @ 4:43 am
Victoria, you are as funny today as you were several years ago ~ when you posted your stories on Facebook ~ and then you departed for the Big Time Blog World and broke my heart. I will not lose you twice. Please name the music in the video. My molasses might run downhill given that orchestrated encouragement an hour or two daily. My cardiologist would thank you.