Giant Fancy Things… cheaper than therapy.
I had told Paul that the weekend after New Year’s would be dedicated to GETTING ORGANIZED… I do this periodically: announce that THIS will be the weekend I get my life under control.
As with all my life-control projects, I was gangbusters at first.
I began a frenzy of organizational malice and misdirection— creating a disaster of the one thing that was arguably fine in this house, while also treating Elvis to one of her favorite activities: exploring places previously not available to her.
My plan was to condense and get rid of two bookcases… but after the initial arranging of books into piles, it slowly ground to a crawl… impaired by my need to re-read Ernie and look through photo albums, and also just the general life-process of one decision begetting the next decision which is always intolerably tedious and confusing to me.
Eventually becoming a gridlock of no decisions at all… where I sit on the floor comatose, thinking about how if I get rid of The Faerie Queen it will be tantamount to saying:
I AM NOT THE PERSON I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE.
MY PARENTS WILL NEVER APPROVE OF ME.
I SHOULD HAVE JUST JOINED THAT BIKER GANG.
Sometime in hour two, Paul came into the bookcase-storage-inn-of-chaos… He was silent while acclimating himself to having yet another unusable room in the house.
I felt judged by his silence, so I said defensively – I’m getting rid of ALL of these bookcases! TODAY!
Paul nodded. Then he said– is that code? Do you actually mean the opposite? That you will continue to get more bookcases until the entire house is full and we must sleep in the garage?
And apparently, that IS what I meant.
For ONE FULL YEAR, I have been seeing this ad on Craigslist… No photos, out of my budget, probably a piece of junk.
Every few months the ad would reappear and Self would whisper – you should definitely email them… remember that one time?
And? I do. I totally remember that one time when there were no pictures and it turned out to be a Kingdom Mirror.
But The Kingdom Mirror wasn’t $2,000… so for twelve months, I ignored Self’s instructions to email, hurry, go, buy, faster, now, run.
HOWEVER. It looks like this is the year I surrender responsibility for what comes and goes in this house and just delegate all decision-making to Self.
She has decided to commit to the full hoard.
The day I emailed the Craigslist poster, she was home.
I went right over.
Self said– YUP. FOR SURE. LET’S PACK IT UP.
But rather than just packing it up, I spent nearly an hour talking to the woman selling it… we really hit it off, the way you sometimes do with total strangers. But eventually we had to get down to business, and it was time to do my shtick where I throw Paul under the bus.
Vilifying Paul is my default negotiation strategy: I explain to the seller that if it were up to me, I would pay whatever they wanted!
But UNFORTUNATELY, I am married to a tyrannical despot who forces me to endure an ascetic life of monastic puritanism: a flinty and grim existence of hair shirts, boiled potatoes, and no unnecessary expense.
I pointed at the bookcase’s flaws. I gave the appearance of deciding that my husband would never agree. Finally saying that as much as I LOVED the bookcase, ultimately I could not meet her price… Sad face!
I left without making an offer.
I went home and said to Paul – good news!! Then I showed him photos of the key to my inner peace.
Paul said— what is your inner peace costing us?
I said – I do not know yet… I am hoping $500.
Paul thought about it and said— that’s cheaper than therapy. You should get it.
Then it was time for waiting.
Waiting is only a part of my negotiation strategy when something is expensive… it’s a risk, because someone else could show up and get your precious.
But the waiting gives the seller time to reflect on how you are the ONLY person who was remotely interested… And certainly the only person who actually showed up… And maybe they’d better take your offer before you disappear into the ether.
Also, the waiting allows me to get rid of stuff.
And the best way for me to detach from STUFF THAT IS MINE… is to have clearly defined STUFF I WOULD RATHER HAVE.
Finding a vastly fancier THING I WOULD PREFER TO HOARD, completely severs my attachment to THINGS ALREADY HOARDED.
Normally I try to wait two weeks, but I emailed the bookcase lady almost immediatly because I am not in charge anymore, and that is what Self directed me to do.
I told the bookcase lady that I couldn’t stop thinking about her bookcase… and how much I loved it… and that I had talked to my husband… and cruel man that he is, said $2,000 was too much… but we could do $500… which she agreed to.
I was like— sit tight. I WILL BE RIGHT OVER.
For some reason, anytime I am ready to proceed at warp speed, Paul goes into slow motion… you would be astounded at the slowness with which one person can move.
Someone should study him in a lab to better understand how wifely-urgency negatively impacts husband-speed.
He cannot find his keys. Or his phone. Or his jacket. Or his hat. He needs to brush his teeth. Then he goes into the kitchen and begins emptying the dishrack… leaving me in a position of either duct-taping my own mouth shut, or screaming— WHY ARE YOU EMPTYING THE DISHRACK?
WHY? WHY? WHY?
Reminding me that Paul and I are both eachother’s very definition of unreasonable.
FINALLY Paul was ready to leave… we drove over while I foamed at the mouth and considered jumping out of the car to express my excitement.
But when we got there, I felt an obligation to rein in the wild banshee of glee in order to observe my initial bond with this woman… I felt like I needed to chat her up a little bit and just generally let her know that her grandfather’s bookcase was going to a wonderful home.
However.
It did not occur to me to communicate to Paul that he was going to have to exhibit some social niceties. So the instant we walked into the room, he started taking it apart.
To him, we are here to get the bookcase – thus he will begin getting the bookcase… To him, it would make no sense to stand around NOT getting the bookcase, so he got right down on the floor and started removing the drawers.
After a moment, the bookcase lady said to me quietly – your husband is very no-nonsense.
Paul looked up from the floor and said – yes. Because my wife is ALL-NONSENSE. There is literally no physical space in my world for any more nonsense.
He gestured around and said– please notice that the year has barely begun, and already I am in someone else’s home, lying on their floor, taking apart furniture that we do not need so that I can take it to our home, which is already a place full of other furniture we do not need.
Self walked over and clapped Paul on the back and shouted— WELCOME TO 2016!
index of all my Craigslist finds.
Kristi
January 19, 2016 @ 12:05 pm
Your are literally one of the funniest, and wittiest writers I’ve ever read! And I seriously don’t know how you score the pieces you do on Craigslist?!! It must be that Pittsburgh is a real dud for Gargantuan fancy furniture I tell ya. Love your fancy style!!! Happy New Year!
the misfit
January 19, 2016 @ 12:21 pm
Have been working on The Great Book Purge since Thanksgiving. I am on your track: one or two of the (solid wood but, tragically, Ikea-minuted) booshelves currently in our house will be fully emptied and ousted, toward the goal of getting a (fancy, antique, of course) piano. (I’m hoping it will be free, though, because it’s going to cost money to move it.) On the other hand, I am on Paul’s track: I am plowing through the books like there’s no tomorrow. And then my husband delays me for weeks lovingly and tearfully examining each title before determining whether he can bear to part with them. (Then, when he decides he can’t, he puts them back on the shelves without my supervision, leaving my artfully arranged bookshelf an unaesthetic mess.) I limp along, one painful crate at a time, while he – OF COURSE – buys at least one more book a week. I need to find some medication for whatever condition he has.
I was most afraid in your story that you would forget to tell Paul that he had to play ogre, thus rendering your negotiation tactic implausible in the final act, when he came to get the bookshelf and was a picture of geniality. Instead, it sounds like he played his part to the hilt. Bravo! Brava!
the misfit
January 19, 2016 @ 12:22 pm
MINTED. GAH.
Emily
January 19, 2016 @ 12:23 pm
I think I love your husband.
Michele
January 19, 2016 @ 12:37 pm
Classic – bookcase-storage-inn-of-chaos … I have been through no less than 4 forced bookcase cleanses, none ended well. I dodged a bullet with No. 5 last weekend but I can feel the force of order/evil approaching this weekend when we are supposed to organize the office and “get rid of stuff we don’t need/use,” pray for me. Love the song in the video – one of my all time faves, but missed some of you doing a happy dance to the beat! One of the best posts since Kingdom Mirror. Shared, because I love to validate your existence and everyone needs to know about the Fancy Troll.
judy
January 19, 2016 @ 12:38 pm
I wish I could know that there are people on the Planet that don’t know me(lucky people) but who wish fervently that they lived next door and that I could amuse and delight them with my Wit and Writing. Thank you for all the times you have cheered me up and inspired me that a crazy concentration on acquiring GFT items of Glory trumps Adversity in all its’ guises. Rock on and medals to Paul and Elvis for being smart enough to find you…And of course the bookcase is spectacular!
Di
January 19, 2016 @ 12:39 pm
I got sidetracked in the photo where you tied that giant fluffy scarf behind your back. Great look for all my oversized knitted mufflers!
Barb Manning
January 19, 2016 @ 12:39 pm
One of your best posts ever. Clearly 2016 is going to be a good year.
Amber
January 19, 2016 @ 12:40 pm
you had me at skeleton key….. it’s absolutely gorgeous! yet another fine acquisition of a giant fancy thing! now you might have to start hoarding fancy old books!
Debbie
January 19, 2016 @ 12:43 pm
Absolutely hysterical!! I laughed out loud throughout:-). LOVE that old bookcase and your blog.
Tina
January 19, 2016 @ 12:46 pm
Before I scrolled down far enough to see you captioned the picture of Paul enclosed in yet another wooden GFT, I thought to myself “I think that is the only way I have ever seen Paul pictured on the website, outside of dancing with Victoria.” And then I scrolled and laughed. And was thankful that you had found such a treasure in a husband.
Suzanne
January 19, 2016 @ 12:48 pm
Beautiful bookcase, you lucky girl! I see such beautiful finds on Craigslist in other areas, but where I live it’s mostly junk, cell phones and the occasional ugly sofa…nothing like your beauty. Self is a smart negotiator.
BTW, my husband suffers from the same affliction as yours; however, he will get into the car pretty quickly, but then he drives in slow motion. This is a man who flies down dark curvy country roads at warp speed going nowhere in particular, with me holding on for dear life afraid some sort of wildlife is going to innocently jump in front of us (namely Bambi), and we are going to have a horrible life-threatening collision, but let me be in a hurry, excited to get somewhere (or running late), and he’s rollin like molasses. I’m screaming inside, but if I dare utter a word about moving a little faster, it seems to have the exact opposite effect, so I suffer in silence, lest we never get there.
Great find, girlfriend !
Denise Hardy
January 19, 2016 @ 12:51 pm
Great purchase and a great witty blog – one of the best 🙂
Kerri
January 19, 2016 @ 1:14 pm
Hope bookcase lady doesn’t read your blog! Lol
Sandy B
January 19, 2016 @ 1:21 pm
Posted on and off for a year … with no pictures? Your new friend needs a Craig’s List selling tutorial stat! Thank goodness your GFT desire pushed you past that or she never would have sold it. I should really learn from you and not ignore those, but if there is no image I filter it out.
Hail to the beauty that is that find.
Charlotte
January 19, 2016 @ 1:46 pm
What a hilarious post! I am amazed how you described exactly how I think! It’s uncanny. Your writing style is just delightful and especially in this one. You are truly s very fortunate woman in many ways. Love the bookcase.
Nancy
January 19, 2016 @ 1:51 pm
Oh, oh, oh! It is beautiful and perfect for your space! I have never left a comment before,(too lazy) but I have been a fawning admirer and subscriber of your blog for some time. This time I was compelled to tell you how excited I am when a new post comes in. It is better than a great estate sale. It is almost better than chocolate! Don’t stop writing! Your blog would make a wonderful book except I have no idea how you’d incorporate the delightful videos. Love you, Paul, and Elvis.
Heather
January 19, 2016 @ 2:02 pm
Gorgeous! Also, I believe we are soul mates with regard to getting rid of things.
Momcat
January 19, 2016 @ 2:11 pm
Just snorted hot chocolate out of my nose while reading your post, prompted by the comment that your husband found yet another unusable room!! I, too, have been hit by the “I’m totally getting organized this year” virus, starting with my 40+ storage boxes of Christmas decorations and supplies. I started last week when my husband was gone for a three-day business trip. Unfortunately, he came home early, and he could barely navigate once he opened the front door. At the present time, my entire downstairs and garage areas look like I’m preparing for the garage sale of the century, and it’s only 2016! In my defense, I do have a business called “The Enchanted Forest;” I do custom themed Christmas trees, wreaths and garlands, which decrees that I have to have lots of “stuff” in order to create (not self-promoting-no blog or etsy shop. I work by referrals locally). I’m trying to pare down, but it’s hard to part with things, telling myself that I “might need this someday,” or you “can’t get this quality now,” etc. Just this year I finally used something I purchased nine years ago, and it was the “PERFECT” item for the project….
Thanks for the entertaining post. I just found you recently, so am looking forward to seeing more from you!
Kristi
January 19, 2016 @ 2:16 pm
I think we might need to petition Craigslist … why isn’t there a category call Giant Fancy Things? Its unreasonable. Unacceptable even.
Side note. You might want to check this listing.
http://fortwayne.craigslist.org/atq/5400897899.html
If you come by to pick stuff up, let me know … I’d love to meet you! 🙂
helenel
January 19, 2016 @ 2:21 pm
This was a very difficult read for me, as I found it nearly impossible to grok the concept of “getting rid of” bookcases. That is what someone else does so that they (the bookcases) will become mine own.
However, I’m glad I soldiered on – that is a beauty! Congrats!