A manifesto against the tyranny of luxury kitchens.
Before the internet, you only had to keep up with the Joneses… They were real people who lived next-door and probably drove a Corvette.
And even if you might have liked their car for yourself, you knew for a fact that they wore too much cologne, misused the word Machiavellian, and were just generally unlikable people who let their dog poop in everyone’s yard.
You used to have to subscribe to Town & Country or Architectural Digest if you wanted to feel bad about your house… But then the internet came along—eradicating every shred of reality and replacing it with Christopher Peacock.
Now you can discover for FREE, any time of day or night, that your kitchen, your bathroom, your entire house… actually, your whole life is so subpar that it’s amazing you haven’t flat out died.
The internet has given the entire home-luxury-design-industry access to the inside of our minds at all times. This is extra convenient for them because they can constantly remind us that anything less than a kitchen filled with glamour and elegance and a wine refrigerator is just sad… so, so, so sad.
And the sadder your life looks, the fancier the faucet you will buy – advertising 101.
(Incase you are wondering where on the sadness-scale my life falls, apparently it is here. I am pretty sure that faucet would make me a better person.)
But eventually I will have to replace that faucet… Because it will go out of style. Because all of this is a trend.
A TREND.
The most expensive trend ever—white, white, white, white, splash of soapstone for contrast, white, white, white.
But someday Christopher Peacock will be the equivalent of the ubiquitous oak cabinetry from the 80’s. Remember country kitchens?
DON’T YOU REMEMBER?
Soon there will be a whole new trend. (Once they figure out how to make something more expensive.)
I personally think it should be THE-KITCHEN-I-HAVE-IS-FINE trend. We should all STOP redoing our kitchens. It is MADNESS people. Do you have a stove? A refrigerator? A place to rinse stuff and chop it? Then you HAVE A KITCHEN.
This is my message for the day—acceptance. Accept the kitchen you have. A new one will not bring you health or happiness. (Except, maybe the one below.)
Let us band together and KEEP the kitchen we have. Let us embrace oak cabinetry from 1980.
Let us rise up against the tyranny of stainless steel.
There is nothing wrong with your taupe electric range.
And Formica!
Let us bring Formica back!
I mean, I personally am not planning to do that. I write a blog about restoring our house… therefore I am legally obligated to bring new meaning to whimsy and creativity and a mindbogglingly giant range hood.
Infact, I will probably be required to travel to a small town in Italy to mine the marble slabs myself.
When I get home, I will do a peppy post about DIY-mining your own marble. And I will include tips about where to find delicious artisanal (gluten free!) pastries made by villagers who have been growing specialty grains for over 900 years.
I will be sure to annotate the pictures for Pinterest with captions that are overlaid with squiggles and dots and three different fonts. (So that it will appeal to both four year olds, and women who are shopping for kitchen counters.)
May 28, 2014 @ 7:44 pm
Dahhhling . .. this post brings to mind the very confusion I felt upon reading a critique of interior design and home television shows as “house porn.” I was terribly perplexed . . . turning this idea over and over in my mind, “house porn?!?” what could be pornographic about a beautiful space . . . and then, slowly, it dawned on me. The photos are not of people living in the spaces, they are unreal, staged, perfect looking as if photos of those airbrushed and dimensioned by Barbie. And, they can have the curious effect of making you love what you have a. little. bit. less. compare, contrast and long for things that EVEN IF YOU HAD THEM you might not actually ENJOY! So, as someone who has spent decades trying to be authentic and want what I want, and use my time for things I find important, it is totally disconcerting to think that the marketers got me at house. And after all that, learning what I’ve learned, here is what I know . . no matter how big, how small, how humble or grand, it can be YOURS. Your mark, your stamp, your choice.
The people above are right . . we are fans and will believe that ANYTHING you select and put together is wonderful . . .we know your DIY capabiities and your eye and your penchant for laughing at the little part inside all of us interiors obsessed hobbyists that is just a little bit mad will help keep this project just outside sanity, and yet, it will be fabulous. Because, it will be yours. Even as you question your own choices, and people write and say they would have done / might have done / can’t believe you did . . . it will indeed be YOURS. YOU & PAUL will live in it, YOU & PAUL will have quiet mornings, and rauccous parties and everyday bickering and all the things that come with LIFE. You (like me) will spend at least 6 months smiling everytime you walk in, or cook something on a stove you love, or make coffee when the house is super quiet. So, its okay. It’s okay to find your perfect blue-gray for cabinets. It’s okay to search for some vintage storage that makes it personal. We can laugh/cry about our compulsions for beauty together . . . and here is a saying that will help you. My very wise uncle told me a long time ago that the difference between ambition and greed is
“the expectation of what it will provide”
So, have ambition for your kitchen to provide a lovely, functional space where you can entertain and cook and be a family together. That said, It is not okay to buy the 2400 faucet.
We love you because your budget isn’t crazy, though having Paul’s talent gives you an edge on practically anyone here in the finish carpentry department. We love the process and how funny you are as you skewer yourself and all of us (sshh – house porn creatives). Just don’t tell my husband I have a problem . ..
May 28, 2014 @ 8:41 pm
I laughed out loud! Thank you for putting all the internet “greedy gimmies” into perspective. I would love to see the “bloopers” of all the “perfect” blogger pics where the crap is piled a mile high just to get it out of camera frame. I try to remember that when I get all sad over my lacking life. Keep the post coming!
May 28, 2014 @ 9:48 pm
Wonderfully written. I loved it.
May 29, 2014 @ 3:49 am
This made my day. I also dream about a white kitchen ( way before it was a trend by itself), with a polka dot accent wall and red and white cushioned seats. but the most important part of the above is DREAMING. We live in a rental in Czech Republic- and for now all my wishes would come true if we’d have a dishwasher- but it’s not even an options since the utilities part messed that up for me.
Keep the posts coming- I am always looking forward to read your amazing insights on renovation, Mad Men and needing stuff 🙂
May 29, 2014 @ 6:18 am
I live in a very small town where Christopher Peacock would be assumed was the name of a board game character, dark wood cabinets are considered cutting edge, and mullets are still common enough not look like the person has recently awoken from a coma of, say, 25 years. I still get my Jones / Houzz competitive workout on the internet 🙂 Thank you for a very funny post that sounds all too familiar!
May 29, 2014 @ 8:03 am
I’m dying laughing over the last 4 paragraphs. I also saw that PBS show about the luxury skyscraper in NYC where the designer went to Carrera to inspect each marble block that would eventually be hollowed out to create a tub. insanity. when one gets back from camping, one’s kitchen should be a small step up, but only because of the running water. isn’t that all we need????
May 29, 2014 @ 8:16 am
Thank God my better half made the choices and not me. Yes, we have white cabinets but they’ve been offset with a beautiful chocolate brown, granite counter top. And some day I might actually update my blog with the pics. But it’s functional and what we (OK, she) wanted.
Your post made me laugh. Kitchens can be ridiculously expensive and as so many of your followers have commented, what good are they if you can’t live in them? And spill wine.
May 29, 2014 @ 12:35 pm
Thank you! I am sick of them trying to make me feel bad about my old kitchen. It may not be pretty by Magazine standards but it works just fine!
May 29, 2014 @ 3:11 pm
I agree with how ridiculous the kitchens can get, especially the really huge ones – who has that much space? Who wants it? You’d need a scooter to get around in it! But a couple of quibbles: white kitchens have been around forever, and will never go out of style. (Now, the elaborate faux-European, “French Country” ones, with dentil moulding, pilasters, and columns up the wazoo, those ones will look immensely silly in about 2 years.) I’ve been looking at kitchens for about 35 years, and white has always been there. I’m currently living in a rental with a white kitchen and find it easy to wipe clean, which wasn’t true of my old stained cabinets. As for the glories of Formica, no thanks. The ones I’m finally replacing with granite have lost all their end caps, have nicks and burns and stains. I hate them. Marble is not suitable for kitchens as it stains too easily, but granite is the ticket, and the one I chose actually looks like white marble with grey veining. I’m getting the white kitchen of my dreams, it just won’t be the size of a football field.
May 29, 2014 @ 3:48 pm
white and soapstone a trend?? really?? i hope not. thats my plan for 2016!!
May 29, 2014 @ 4:20 pm
I just redid my kicthen and I went against all blog-trends: I have laminate countertops that are easy to clean even if I left some tea stains on it when I left home for work in a hurry (which only happens five mornings in a week), I have white appliances – let me repeat that – white appliances, because they will be trendy again some day – and maybe I’ll be the one who sends the trend. I reused the old sink I had and I have no fancy gadgets… And you know what? I’m happy with it because it does what it’s supposed to: it’s the perfect place to cook.
Magali
PS: I’m French and don’t have a wine cellar. Should I call the doctor?
May 29, 2014 @ 4:26 pm
Here’s a website you may want to check out http://www.pomanettekitchens.com
I’d post some photos from their gallery, but probably not enough room!
May 29, 2014 @ 6:32 pm
That faucet has FREE SHIPPING!! Why haven’t you bought it yet?? 😉
May 29, 2014 @ 9:36 pm
My kitchen is everything you described–formica, oak cabinets, taupe (ok, ALMOND) appliances… and I shit you not, when we decided to buy this house a mere 5 years ago, I called my mother and proclaimed, “This is the nicest kitchen I have ever owned!!!” And the thing is–that’s the TRUTH. I’m proud of my oak, goddammit!!! Some of us will never, ever own a Pinterest kitchen, so it’s best we come to terms with that now and love what we freaking have! High fives for this post.
May 29, 2014 @ 10:59 pm
Amen and hallelujah, sister.
May 30, 2014 @ 8:06 am
AMEN!!! preach it sister! I have a kitchen from 1978………..complete with taupe range hood, stove and wall oven. The stove has 1 eye that works, the oven clock/timer doesn’t work and it’s NOT DIGITAL! I would LOVE to replace them but as you say, they work (most of the time). and I don’t cook………………HUBBY does that….so why do I care? because it’s just as you stated, Pinterest and the whole internet makes you feel LOUSY, lol!!! keep up the fight…….we are behind you 100% and can’t wait to see your kitchen all finished!
May 30, 2014 @ 4:16 pm
Oh my how I love this post! You are hilarious and so right! Here’s to working with whatcha got!
May 30, 2014 @ 6:25 pm
Priceless. Thank you for bringing us down to earth and satirizing the oneupmanship of always wanting something more, different, better. I’m so guilty of this! It’s refreshing to have someone call the entire design blogoverse on this trend.
May 30, 2014 @ 10:22 pm
My husband and I purchased our 1871 farmhouse from his parents 8 very long years ago. They had gutted the house and replaced everything with every bad 80’s trend in existence! Everything was mauve, country blue, wallpapered and knotty pine panelling. I too have the dreaded 1980’s oak cabinetry. Complete with bubbling polyurethane. My appliances are mismatched and the 80’s wall oven committed suicide last fall. I have painted the cabinets and thank my lucky stars that the appliances I do have still work. My kids are young and we’re busy making memories and I doubt any of us will look back and say, “Man, Friday night homemade pizza night would have been much better with Pottery Barn lantern pendent lights and soapstone countertops”.
May 30, 2014 @ 10:49 pm
great post! I would love to replace the dark granite in our kitchen with marble…but my husband doesn’t get the value of form over function, and I can’t bring myself to spend money to redo perfectly good counter tops. So the weird granite pattern from the house’s previous owners stays.