A manifesto against the tyranny of luxury kitchens.
Before the internet, you only had to keep up with the Joneses… They were real people who lived next-door and probably drove a Corvette.
And even if you might have liked their car for yourself, you knew for a fact that they wore too much cologne, misused the word Machiavellian, and were just generally unlikable people who let their dog poop in everyone’s yard.
You used to have to subscribe to Town & Country or Architectural Digest if you wanted to feel bad about your house… But then the internet came along—eradicating every shred of reality and replacing it with Christopher Peacock.
Now you can discover for FREE, any time of day or night, that your kitchen, your bathroom, your entire house… actually, your whole life is so subpar that it’s amazing you haven’t flat out died.
The internet has given the entire home-luxury-design-industry access to the inside of our minds at all times. This is extra convenient for them because they can constantly remind us that anything less than a kitchen filled with glamour and elegance and a wine refrigerator is just sad… so, so, so sad.
And the sadder your life looks, the fancier the faucet you will buy – advertising 101.
(Incase you are wondering where on the sadness-scale my life falls, apparently it is here. I am pretty sure that faucet would make me a better person.)
But eventually I will have to replace that faucet… Because it will go out of style. Because all of this is a trend.
A TREND.
The most expensive trend ever—white, white, white, white, splash of soapstone for contrast, white, white, white.
But someday Christopher Peacock will be the equivalent of the ubiquitous oak cabinetry from the 80’s. Remember country kitchens?
DON’T YOU REMEMBER?
Soon there will be a whole new trend. (Once they figure out how to make something more expensive.)
I personally think it should be THE-KITCHEN-I-HAVE-IS-FINE trend. We should all STOP redoing our kitchens. It is MADNESS people. Do you have a stove? A refrigerator? A place to rinse stuff and chop it? Then you HAVE A KITCHEN.
This is my message for the day—acceptance. Accept the kitchen you have. A new one will not bring you health or happiness. (Except, maybe the one below.)
Let us band together and KEEP the kitchen we have. Let us embrace oak cabinetry from 1980.
Let us rise up against the tyranny of stainless steel.
There is nothing wrong with your taupe electric range.
And Formica!
Let us bring Formica back!
I mean, I personally am not planning to do that. I write a blog about restoring our house… therefore I am legally obligated to bring new meaning to whimsy and creativity and a mindbogglingly giant range hood.
Infact, I will probably be required to travel to a small town in Italy to mine the marble slabs myself.
When I get home, I will do a peppy post about DIY-mining your own marble. And I will include tips about where to find delicious artisanal (gluten free!) pastries made by villagers who have been growing specialty grains for over 900 years.
I will be sure to annotate the pictures for Pinterest with captions that are overlaid with squiggles and dots and three different fonts. (So that it will appeal to both four year olds, and women who are shopping for kitchen counters.)
May 28, 2014 @ 10:08 am
I have the oak cabinetry from the 80’s. The only good thing about it..it has good lines and is crying out for white paint. That means it has been crying for awhile. Lately its been downright sobbing.
October 7, 2016 @ 10:40 am
Oh how you make me laugh.. I JUST NOW… just this very minute got turned on to your blog by a mutual admirer and reader.. thank you so much for sharing your talent and one that will absolutely make my day.. #foundanewmuse,
September 24, 2017 @ 11:10 am
I laughed throughout this entire blog. You are so funny! I’m totally subscribing, which I NEVER do. Love this!
May 28, 2014 @ 10:09 am
Sweetie, you’ve never seen my kitchen. 1985 British Racing Green cabinetry and benches, low voltage track lighting, permanently stained and lifting wooden flooring, and bench space narrower than a dinner plate. Every door opens opposite to the direction it should and we have only FOUR power points. It’s a dark, sad, little pit – and we’re in a rental, so we can’t change it.
That said, we live in Germany, so it’s lucky we had a kitchen at all in our rental – yes, German rentals come WITHOUT A KITCHEN because you bring your own kitchen with you. Of course you do.
I dream of a Pinterest kitchen, and I know it won’t make me a better person, but it certainly will make me smile a bit more when I’m in it. 🙂
Love watching your updates and I swooned considerably over the pictures in your post.
May 28, 2014 @ 12:54 pm
OMG Kristy…I would say we have the same kitchen…except mine is in California. so sad…so very sad.
Mine is a rental also so no changes…we just adapt and cook some awesome meals in it. I have made it clear to my sons that they are never to expect any woman in their future to accept such a kitchen.
Cook on Sister…cook on. 🙂
May 28, 2014 @ 10:10 am
They are beautiful kitchens, and I suppose I could paint all my fake oak woodwork white (I don’t even have 80’s oak, I have 80’s faux oak!) and then it would match my Formica. Which I could then paint wiggly grey lines on, to be faux marble. But I think instead I will take up your idea of Kitchen Acceptance. It goes better with my lackluster cooking.
May 28, 2014 @ 10:31 am
Ha! Love this. 🙂
May 29, 2014 @ 2:49 am
LMAO! Faux everything!! *confetti*
This is my life, too.
July 22, 2015 @ 6:20 pm
That’s nothing. My house was built on the intention of faux oak woodwork, but it wasn’t in the budget. The result was that it was built in faux faux oak, which for those who don’t know, is real oak made to look like faux oak to look like real oak. Nothing less than a tragedy.
Truth being: There’s no woodwork for some reason, just 2 long open shelves that I’m going to tear down before moving in. The only positive thing about them is that they’re white. I guess they had to though, since any other color would probably clash with the strong lime green vinyl “tiles” on the walls.
May 28, 2014 @ 10:12 am
I wholeheartedly agree about this. My parents’ 1951 cabinets live on in their basement laundry room and are holding up better down there than the fancy new cabinets are upstairs. I thought about putting all my money into things that I care about, like old beat up doors and hardware and really fancy windows that undo the cosmetic damage of past replacements, and then completely cheap out on a utilitarian kitchen.
I truly need a kitchen as the old one was both junk and glued to the walls, but we’ll see if I have the courage to use Formica. I would totally install an old kitchen if I thought it were remotely possible to find one that would fit.
August 18, 2015 @ 5:28 am
Chad, my home was built in 1951 & still has the original knotty pine cabinets & solid oak hardwood floors. Those are the things I fell in love with when I walked into this house more than 20 yrs. ago, & those are the things I’m keeping. They’re sturdy & beautiful, & nothing made today can even begin to compare to their quality. I might get around to refinishing them someday. Then again I might not. I’m happy either way & these are a few of the little things that elicit happy memories & lend a sense of “home” for my children when they visit, & these are things that money can’t buy.
May 28, 2014 @ 10:12 am
Um, but Victoria – I have no kitchen – a mud room yes, kitchen no. I do have a sink in said mudroom to wash stuff, so that might count. Oh, there is a steam dryer in there so I guess it is possible to have a plate of asparagus or broccoli if I put it on a really, really high setting. So please give me a pass until I have a kitchen –
May 28, 2014 @ 10:14 am
Nice faucet! How about you do all of us a favor and redo your kitchen on a budget, but yet make it look beyond fabulous??? We would be much more dazzled by that, than someone who spends $50,000 to $100,oo0 on a redo. There must be marble countertops on Craigslist that can be recut to fit your kitchen. I have every confidence in you. I expect something fantastic from you. Please don’t let me down!
May 28, 2014 @ 10:37 am
I completely agree with you….it’s too easy to just spend thousands whereas DIYing a jaw dropping kitchen is the real challenge. You can do it Victoria!! I personally am perfectly content with my functional Ikea kitchen…
May 28, 2014 @ 11:26 am
You know, my friend here in the UK did an Ikea kitchen and to be honest, it looks a lot like many of the first pictures VEB has posted here today – down to the marble splashback she found on an amazing offer. Her kitchen is bl__dy gorgeous and cost her (including appliances which are not from Ikea, and floors also not Ikea) under £12K. I think it meets the jaw-dropping challenge really-really well! I wish I could link to her snaps for you to see but she’s got it on private. But scroll up to 2nd and 3rd photos above, and you’ll be seeing the kitchen she achieved.
May 28, 2014 @ 6:18 pm
I love your thought, Sunnie … but in my world £12K isn’t a BUDGET kitchen….. 🙁 I need something that’s more like US$3K…. over the course of 5 or 6 years ….!
May 29, 2014 @ 2:51 am
AMEN
April 16, 2016 @ 8:06 pm
Door Sixteen takes this approach to kitchens, and she has great taste. She did an Ikea kitchen in her old house (because she’s opposed to blowing your budget on a kitchen), and it looked fabulous. (I also love Victoria, but just saying–there are “budget” bloggers out there.) Door Sixteen is much more “modern” in her tastes, though, so not sure she’ll appeal to everyone reading here.
May 28, 2014 @ 10:15 am
*sigh* Amen!
May 28, 2014 @ 10:15 am
Do I detect a hint of sarcasm in the recipe of this blogpost? hehe I couldn’t agree more with you! Kitchens are just the latest trends and once we blow our life savings on redoing it, we’ll be told that the new trend is ultra expesnive bedrooms somehow…… I’m with you – don’t buy in!
October 9, 2015 @ 10:42 pm
I’m convinced that all this is simply the Interior Designers’ Full Employment Strategy. Between the Internet and HGTV, we’re being conditioned to believe that anything more than five years old is “dated” (said with a curled lip), and that the proper response to “dated” is “demo.” Honestly, I can’t count how many times I’ve wished those people who insist on having the latest thing would give me the kitchen they’re tearing out!
May 13, 2016 @ 12:27 pm
That would be a true repurpose…..a trash to treasure. I’ll take on of those tear out kitchens too!
May 28, 2014 @ 10:15 am
Haha! Looking forward to that post; you will excel at DIY marble mining! And at locating gluten-free pastries in Italy!
I am with you on embracing the kitchen you have, even as I drool longingly over the pictures. Sooo pretty… WANT! I am pretty sure the kitchens you posted are bigger than my entire house. Imagine having to clean them. Every. Single. Day.
May 28, 2014 @ 10:46 am
I suspect that if you can afford one of those kitchens, you can afford to have someone else clean it for you.
June 5, 2014 @ 7:17 pm
I KNOW! Every time I look at those I think.. ooh nice lights – how often would that glass need cleaning/stainless steel need polishing etc etc. Back to reality for me I’m afraid!
September 3, 2014 @ 10:15 am
Leigh, I agree. I also doubt that anyone cooks in them either. I would suppose the owner dines out all the time or has a full-time chef/cook with a housekeeper to clean up later. These are “show” kitchens, not real life kitchens……:) No refrigerator magnets, potholders, ugly grease splatter above the stove or hard water stain on the faucets……. Where’s the stack of junk mail?
May 28, 2014 @ 10:18 am
“This is my message for the day—acceptance.” Sing it sister!!! My bank account loves this post!
May 28, 2014 @ 10:18 am
Wow – love your post today. I have spent the last many months planning for the granite countertop because one and all say that is what must be. However, I have come to the conclusion that given my small cottage, the outlay for granite is over the top. So, I am going with Formica – YAY. I would get black Formica because that is the color of all cooking show kitchens but I don’t have the staff to come behind me to clean every fingerprint that shows up on those lovely black counters. Thank you for the reality post today. Kate
May 28, 2014 @ 10:23 am
Too Funny, I too fell victim to the “White kitchen trend”‘. I wish they would show you how the white cabinets look after a day of husband making his famous 8 hour chili or all day famous sauce. Not to mention when he comes home after working all day building someone else’s dream kitchen and opens every cabinet or drawer with cruddy hands! Looking to doing black, It,s what I wanted in the first place! Ellen
May 28, 2014 @ 10:32 am
I have to laugh at your post. I too loveee the white brigade. I extended it to a “dreamy”-up-in-the-clouds bedroom only to quickly crash to earth. 2 hunting dogs that prefer to sleep close and a very outdoorsman husband keep me doing laundry, reaching for the brightening /lightening products. “Keep it
simple” needs to be everywhere I go.
June 2, 2014 @ 12:39 pm
Careful with black! It shows the smudges too!!! I did my island black and always have little kids feet prints in front of the stools on the panels where the breakfast bar is . Plus dust shows really easy on black as well. Just food for thought. Cream or white with an antique glaze hides the smudges best
August 14, 2015 @ 1:22 pm
I have a 90’s white kitchen composed of bottom of the line Merillatt cabinets with vinyl doors. I love it. You see the dirt quickly and can wipe up the smudges before they become part of the cabinetry. One of the ‘boxes’ of an upper cabinet collapsed from overloading and we did replace that with a genuine wood box (previous box was oriented strand board). Counters are Corian back when they had five colors. Floor is fake brick vinyl. No one has ever seen a shiny brick so I don’t feel guilty about not waxing it regularly.
As I said, I love my kitchen and furthermore I was able to send my kids to college and I am enjoying a nice retirement.
This post is long over-due and very welcome.
May 28, 2014 @ 10:24 am
Truth. AND funny. My kitchen is depressingly dated but this is not the home of our dreams anywhere else either. I am exceedingly cheap so a coat of paint, some new hardware and new Formica counters is just going to have to do. I am living proof that Kitchen Acceptance makes you happy! If it doesn’t make my guests happy they can go eat free food somewhere else! However, if you need a consultant to go to Italy to help you with the mining of the marble….I AM your girl!
May 28, 2014 @ 10:26 am
Oh, the whimsy of a daydream that subtly turns to potential violence of a remodel. Our kitchen thrives on harvest gold wall oven & stovetop. I can’t bear to toss them, for they still do what they are required to do. You just know as soon as they are taken away, their pictures will be in all the latest magazines. The cupboards are solid pine-a new finish would dress the girl up nicely, I think. Just not sure what to attempt. Once the sander starts, there’s no turning back.
P.S.- I wish you would write a book or a series! I am forever entertained by your blog.
May 28, 2014 @ 10:27 am
Thank you for articulating what I think every time I watch a HGTV show, where some young couple whines, “oh, but it doesn’t have a granite countertop”.
I have embraced my 1986 kitchen, oak, Formica and all. I shall enjoy family, good food and the occasional vacation, and maybe even retirement at 77!
Amen Victoria!
May 28, 2014 @ 10:27 am
Hi Victoria, I think you’re on to something. Just scanning all those super white kitchens where gray veined marble IS the pop-of-color left me craving 80s’ oak & Formica… Well, no. Although, I have taken to wearing sunshades when perusing Pinterest. When White will reach its Tipping Point is like timing the Stock Market: If only we had that super-human power. Perhaps when our continent literally tips under the weight of ALL that stone encasing every available surface. Btw, we both know that Paul will be required for mining the marble & lucky for you already has the equipment.
May 28, 2014 @ 10:27 am
One of problems with these kitchens is that there is no cat or dog hair billowing across the floor as there is in my house, so they don’t look like real kitchens.
May 28, 2014 @ 4:49 pm
amen!!!!! (Off to furminate my furry babies yet again)
May 28, 2014 @ 10:28 am
You just crack me UP! I cannot tell you what it means to me to start my day laughing out loud. LOVED the description of the Joneses. It was spot on, and they lived next to me while I was growing up, by the way! Screw trends. Create something that makes you HAPPY. If you want that damn faucet, buy it! Is there some kind of rule that you can’t buy another one later? Noooo! (Unless Paul has a list of rules somewhere.) So, knock yourself out, girlfriend! Can’t wait to see the mining pics!
May 28, 2014 @ 10:29 am
I threw my kitchen away three years ago. Who knew it would take me so long to get another one? Apparently, even small kitchens cost a lot. Good thing I like cereal.
May 28, 2014 @ 11:36 am
Yes! been throwing away, a few pieces at a time, for ten years. I am down to plywood subfloor, peeling drywall over peeling plaster and still no hope in sight for a reno.
May 28, 2014 @ 11:50 am
I feel your pain! I just threw mine all out in one shot though. So far, I put new walls in and laid a new subfloor. I have a laundry sink, hot plate, toaster oven and microwave. Honestly, I’m fine with this crappy kitchen because at least it’s clean. The old kitchen was so disgusting, it may have crawled out on its own if I didn’t hurry it up with my pry bar…
May 28, 2014 @ 10:33 am
Bring back Formica indeed! Especially when it looks like this: http://st.houzz.com/simgs/39e106320f341f69_4-4304/-kitchen.jpg
That Fx180 they put out is incredible! 🙂
Says the woman who bought a house with a white kitchen with PINK countertops and beige Linoleum on the floor. I have no idea what era THAT was from!
October 26, 2014 @ 1:49 pm
Looooovvvvveee that!